I was recently trapped in a meeting wherein a representative from our company's Safety department briefed us on the many hazards in our workplace. This would have been entertaining, only the presenter insisted on tormenting us by asking questions we would have no way of knowing the answer to, and then pausing for outrageous lengths of time waiting for an answer that would never come. ("Who knows what biohazard level three means? Anyone...? Biohazard three...?")

After a while, I began filling in these lulls by mentally compiling a list of questions to ask him in return:

  1. How many volts would it take to electrocute me?
  2. If you drained all the blood from every employee here, how large of a lake would it make? I realize this question is not strictly safety-oriented, I'm just curious.
  3. If I were to put my tongue on one thing in this building, what would you recommend as being the safest?
  4. Re: the aforementioned lake of blood, would I be more or less likely to drown while swimming in it than I would in the ocean, given the relative buoyancy afforded by blood versus seawater?
  5. What in your opinion is the most horrible way an employee of this company could die?
  6. The funniest?
  7. Wasn't it weird when you realized that God's voice in the animated feature "Prince of Egypt" wasn't being provided by either James Earl Jones or Patrick Stewart? That was so weird.
  8. Shouldn’t bacteria, which you so glibly label as “harmful” yet which are living creatures just the same as us, be considered our brothers in the struggle against the Man?
  9. When are you going to lift your eyes from that safety manual for just one second and see that I love you?
  10. Is there some sort of policy against having open flames in our cubicles? Because my supervisor totally harshed me for my many candles.

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