"Sword fighting is a little like making love. It's not always what you do, but what you say." In the game The Secret of Monkey Island sword fighting isn't a match of strength, but a match of wit. When insulted, you must come back with a witty retort, else you will surely be met with defeat. Here are some common insults and their coresponding replies used on Melee Island.

You fight like a dairy farmer.
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!
And I´ve got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?

Soon you´ll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!
First you better stop waiving it like a feather-duster.

My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!
So you got that job as janitor, after all.

People fall at my feet when they see me coming.
Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

I once owned a dog that was smarter then you.
He must have taught you everything you know.

You make me want to puke.
You make me think somebody already did.

Nobody´s ever drawn blood from me and no body ever will.
You run THAT fast?

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!
I hope now you´ve learned to stop picking your nose.

Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?
Why, did you want to borrow one?

I´ve heard you were a contemptible sneak.
Too bad no one´s ever heard of YOU at all.

You´re no match for my brains, you poor fool.
I´d be in real trouble if you ever used them.

You have the manners of a begger.
I wanted to make sure you´d feel comfortable with me.

I´m not going to take your insolence sitting down!
Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

There are no words for how disgusting you are.
Yes there are. You just never learned them.

I´ve spoken with apes more polite then you.
I´m glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

A non-Monkey Island personal favorite of mine is:

I may not win, but I will take your children.

This only applies to those of us with external genitalia, of course.

Random bit of trivia: The insults in The Secret of Monkey Island were written by none other than noted Science Fiction and Fantasy author Orson Scott Card.

After picking up and honing his insults on the run of the mill pirates populating Melee Island (as documented above by Lethal) Guybrush Threepwood must fight the Swordmaster. The Swordmaster, being the Swordmaster, is a master of the art of swordsmanship -- which is, of course, insults. As such, the insults the Swordmaster gives are unlike any others.

I will milk every drop of blood from your body!
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

I've got a long, sharp lesson for you you to learn today.
And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?

My tongue is sharper then any sword.
First you better stop waving it like a feather-duster.

My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!
So you got that job as a janitor, after all.

My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!
Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

I usually see people like you passed-out on tavern floors.
Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

Only once have I met such a coward!
He must have taught you everything you know.

If your brother's like you, better to marry a pig.
You make me think somebody already did.

No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.
You run THAT fast?

My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.
I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.
Why, did you want to borrow one?

My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!
Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman!
I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

Every word you say to me is stupid.
I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

You are a pain in the backside, sir!
Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

There are no clever moves that can help you now.
Yes there are. You just never learned them.

Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.
I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.


Note to the downvoters: read the node. These insults are different from the ones posted above.

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