Another blur of days, baby blue
As far as Meatspace Jairus
is concerned, I've been working
too little, sleeping
too little, eating
too little, and spending too little time with the people I care about
I'm not exactly sure what it is I've been doing with my time
Life continues to wrap itself around me, leading me to new and interesting places. Emotionally, I've been on a downswing. Not depression
, or angst
, just... extremes. Not manic, not angry, I'm simply been feeling a lot recently, and that's been taking its toll
. I'm not entirely used to feeling strongly about something, all the time. It wears me out.
Also, for what it's worth, my sex drive is in a coma
, and I fear that soon we will be saying our final good-byes to it. Not for any reason, either. My desire to be sexual
has just been slipping, I suppose... And that upsets me.
In fact, what upsets me even more than that, is the fact that I am
upset over it. To me, sex shouldn't be that big of a deal
, shouldn't be something worth getting upset about, getting all frustrated
over. It seems that a part of me differs, however. And so the conflict
I think a large part of this, is the fact that I'm currently staying with Jes
If living with your girlfriend's mom
isn't an ego-buster, I'm not sure what is. Not that I don't appreciate their kindness, mind you. They've been amazing to me, and I thank them daily for their hospitality
. It is a temporary measure, and I should be back in Toronto
soon enough, anyhow. With that said, it's hard to be intimate with someone, knowing her mother is behind a few doors, maybe twenty feet away.
The thought of being back in Toronto with Jes, and Venk is really the primary thing keeping me afloat, at this point. It's what I'm driving towards, and with the exception of Opteryx
, it's my all, my everything, my single outlet for emotions
, and effort
. I want to be there, more than I have words for... And while I could leave tomorrow, I'd rather show up there to attend an interview, so I don't stagnate
, trying to revel in the glory and lights of the city. I want a purpose when I go, something to accomplish. A reason, more than just being.