Roy Orbison in Clingfilm
Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Disturb the Fuck Out of Everyone

It always starts the same way. I am in the garden airing my terrapin Jetta when he walks past my gate, that mysterious man in black.

'Hello Roy,' I say. 'What are you doing in Dusseldorf?'

'Attending to certain matters,' he replies. - "Story 1"

History and Summary

When I think of unusual sexual fetishes, I think of things like BDSM or heterosexual men who enjoy it when women sodomize them with strap-on dildoes. I guess it's worth pointing out that I don't spend that much time thinking about sexual fetishes, so perhaps it's my fault that I didn't make the effort to conceive of this one: namely, the arousal derived from the idea of wrapping the late Roy Orbison in cling film (or Saran Wrap (TM) for us Americans).

As far as I have been able to determine, the Roy-Orbison-in-clingfilm genre was conceived of by a young German man named Ulrich Haarbürste. It is most certainly not a joke created by one Michael Kelly, the owner of an outrageously hilarious website that can be found at http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/ . That the Roy Orbison in Clingfilm stories happen to be hosted on Mr. Kelly's server is, I assume, a coincidence. If the Internet Way Back Machine is to be believed, the original ROIC stories first appeared in late 2003. Herr Haarbürste introduces his modest website thusly:

Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site. If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we can exchange links.

What follows are seven masterpieces of extreme niche slash fiction. The first five stories are called (appropriately) Roy in Clingfilm Story 1-5. The final two are "special" entries into the series, the first being Roy in Clingfilm in Space and the second being Roy in Clingfilm at Christmas. Each story contains sparse dialogue and is written in an extremely minimalistic style, with the average story length being between one and a half and two pages. The three lines quoted above are the beginning of the first story; the slash fic that started a revolution.

There are three recurring characters in all seven stories. First, there is Herr Haarbürste as the narrator, a social misfit who seeks (and finds) validation in the act of wrapping Roy Orbison in cling film. Next is Ulli's pet terrapin (a type of sea turtle) named Jetta, loyal to a fault, but generally unwilling to put up with Ulli's excesses. Finally (and most importantly) is the man himself: Roy Orbison. Orbison seems very against type in the Clingfilm canon; whereas the real Orbison is remembered as a kind and gentle soul plagued by personal tragedy, the Roy Orbison that spends much of his time in Dusseldorf is laconic, aloof, and actually somewhat arrogant. Presumably, the fact that he is constantly hounded by fans looking to wrap him in cling film is the cause of this arrogance.

Each of the stories has a few familiar elements. Often, Jetta is the motivating factor that leads to the meeting between Haarbürste and Orbison. For example, it is Orbison's admiration for Jetta that attracts him to Haarbürste's house in the first story while in the third installment, they meet at a pet shop while Haarbürste is buying food for Jetta. The circumstances differ, but (obviously) at some point, Haarbürste is either required or offers to wrap Orbison in cling film. Uniformly, he begins at the feet and works his way up. When he has finished, he always announces a basic variation of the statement:

You are now completely wrapped in clingfilm.

At some point after this announcement, Ulli is forced to unwrap Orbison for some reason or another, always to his dissatisfaction.

Story Synopses

WARNING: Spoilers.

Story 1: Roy Orbison admires Jetta from a distance and agrees to enter Ulli's home to look at his clingfilm collection (of which Ulli claims to have "nearly a kilometre in the kitchen alone"). The two men make a wager: if Ulli can wrap Orbison's entire body in clingfilm using only one roll, he will receive free tickets for Orbison's show that night. If not, Orbison will take Jetta "as a lesson...not to speak boastfully." Ulli wins, but refuses to unwrap Orbison. The latter escapes and notifies the police, causing Ulli to briefly lose custody of Jetta.

Story 2: Ulli and Jetta are driving along the Autobahn when they are frantically flagged down by a man outside of a Winnebago. It turns out that the Winnebago belongs to Roy Orbison and the man is his tour manager. Orbison is inside, clinically dead, and must be transported to a hospital for recusitation. Ulli wraps Orbison in cling film and they take him to a hospital where he is brought back. Ulli receives a pair of concert tickets for his troubles, the first happy ending of the series.

Story 3: Ulli is in a pet shop buying food for Jetta while Roy Orbison is buying medicine for his dog. The two men argue after Ulli makes an inappropriate comment about Jetta prospectively eating the dog's tape worms but they are interrupted by a pair of armed robbers. One of the robbers commands Ulli to wrap Orbison in cling film (which he does) and is then told to wrap himself to Orbison. The robbers take what they want and after the police arrive to unwrap them, Orbison seemingly forgives Ulli and the two share a laugh.

Story 4: Ulli takes Jetta to a beauty salon and discovers that Roy Orbison is there awaiting a massage. Ulli enters the massage room and lies to Orbison, saying that he will be unable to be covered in seaweed since a huge maritime disaster destroyed all the seaweed stock. He offers instead to wrap him in cling film, which Orbison agrees to. He makes Orbison stay wrapped up for several hours until an actual employee enters the room and demands to know what is going on. Ulli informs her that Orbison is wrapped in cling film for "medical reasons," but allows her to unwrap him since "it is not in {his} nature to do so."

Story 5: This is probably the best ROIC story. Ulli is watching television and sees an ad about Herr Christo, a performance artist who wraps things in white sheets. He is due to wrap a statue of the Prince in the town square the next day with Roy Orbison officiating. Ulli decides he must go, but when the ceremony begins, the mayor discovers that Christo has failed to arrive because he was delayed after a man entered his hotel room with a terrapin. Ulli volunteers his services, but as he unveils the statue to wrap it in cling film (as no white sheets can be found) he discovers that the statue is covered with obscenities. Ulli and the mayor agree that the ceremony can't go on as planned, but it is clear that a riot will develop if someone doesn't do something. Ulli volunteers to wrap Roy Orbison instead, which both men accept. The crowd breaks into a wild applause, but the police arrive and it is revealed that Ulli was the man who prevented Christo from arriving and that he defaced the statue in order to put himself in the position to wrap Orbison. As the crowd clamors for the police to "disarrange his clothing" and "banish him to a distant province," Ulli wakes up in a cold sweat and realizes it was all a dream. (Or was it...?)

...in Space: Roy Orbison is the captain of a spaceship and Ulli is his second in command while Jetta works like the ship's computer, providing detailed information about the ship's status. An engine comes out of alignment and Orbison must exit the ship to repair it. As they brought no suits with them, it becomes obvious that Ulli must wrap Orbison in cling film so that he can survive the trip outside. This done, he repairs the engine, but the ship is thrown into a time warp. As a result of this, Ulli must rewrap Orbison, much to his delight.

...at Christmas: Roy Orbison is Ulli's neighbor and asks to borrow some "kitchen necessities." While the two men are chatting, Orbison reveals that he has forgotten to buy his mother a Christmas present. Thinking quickly, Ulli says "the best gift a son can give his mother is himself," and Orbison agrees, asking Ulli to wrap him in wrapping paper. Ulli regretfully informs him that he has no wrapping paper, but offers to wrap him in cling film instead. Orbison agrees, but another shocking discovery is made: Ulli has no cling film either! Suddenly, Santa Claus appears and gives him a large amount of cling film, much to his delight. He then wraps Orbison entirely in cling film, which intrigues Santa. Santa then asks to be wrapped in cling film as well, and Ulli obliges. The final two lines need to be quoted in their entirety:

I place Santa next to Roy and stand in between them. With some difficulty I wrap all three of us up together as best I can. We enjoy a quiet but satisfying yuletide until people from the social services come to release us.

God Bless us one and all.

Spin-Offs

An idea this good couldn't stay hidden for long. Ulli's site features several fan-written ROIC stories that are lamentably not as good as his. Other ROIC pretenders include:

The sky seems to be the limit for this confusing but ultimately rewarding genre of erotic fiction.

Links

The Original Stories: http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm
Fan-Written Stories Archived on Ulli's site: http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/orbother.htm
Orbison in Oslo: http://members.tripod.com/~happyfriendbox/clingfilm/morninginoslo.html
Star Trek: http://www.artofeurope.com/misc/ks.htm
LiveJournal community: http://www.livejournal.com/community/roy_inclingfilm/
Haiku: http://web.mit.edu/fatsean/www/windex.html

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