This spoof was widely posted on the Internet in the early 1990s and I am unable to give it an accurate attribution.
officals held an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce a
total recall of all Repotron 5000 Three-Dimensional Copy Machine
Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low since the release of the
innovative device. Xerox hailed the Repotron 5000 as a "new revolution
in copying" when it introduced the machine just two weeks ago, and
insiders were certain that the copier would send Xerox stock through the
At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staff made full
three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of fruit and a
perfect red rose. Reporters were invited to sample apples and oranges
copied from the original fruit, though Xerox technicians did warn that
the copied fruit might taste slightly of toner. John Thompson (inventor
of the Reprotron) stepped forward to make a copy of a Manhattan phone
book, but accidentally copied his hand and forearm. He quickly disposed
of the highly detailed, frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of
the delivery slot.
But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next. "We assumed that people
would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with this copier, and
obviously we were wrong," Thompson states. From all across the USA
reports have been filing in of the copier being used in what Thompson
calls "sick, greedy ways".
At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for making 15
copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then refusing to pay for
the copies, claiming that some of the new children were "smudged". Local
authorities were uncertain as to which charges should be laid.
In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are investigating
reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single bar of gold bullion
150 times. A task force investigator stated "granted, it takes money to
make money, but we're almost certain that this action is in violation of
Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors that
the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect. Harold Butz of
Peoria, Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common cement brick spray-painted
gold. Butz claims he was "shocked and dismayed" when he discovered that
the machine-made copy was 22-carat solid gold. "All I wanted was a really good
copy of a cement brick spray-painted gold." Butz stated, "What the
hell am I going to do with this thing?"
Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but
Thompson expressed concern over the so-called "black market Reprotrons".
"Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered that if they had two
machines, they could use one to make a working copy of the other,"
Thompson revealed. "To tell the truth, we only sold two machines in all - to
the Cappelli family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm. These copy pirates
should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a copy
and so on, there are bound to be defects in the copies produced. We have no
idea what kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a person copies something
on a fourth- or fifth-generation machine."
Thompson declined to comment on reports that hundreds of the pirated
machines have a human thumb attached to the coin slot which constantly
wiggles - the result of a person's thumb getting in the way during one
of the original copier-to-copier copies.
"Ultimately, we're not too worried,"Thompson stated. "People owning the
copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that makes the machine work, and
we've taken all the fluid off the market. A machine can only last two weeks or
so without a refill, and there won't be any fluid refills." When asked why
people with copiers couldn't simply make copies of the fluid
canisters they already have, Xerox officials hastily ended the press
conference, stating that they "need to reconsider a few things."