this is the end of day three. tomorrow is the last day of hiring. friday is the last chance to get everything done for hiring, after a night supposedly spent awake and drunk at my boss' house figuring out whom we'll hire. we spend the weekend training our new employees, mostly in the operation of a brand new exchange server no one in the computer center even has any idea how to support. also, after three days of intensively using no computer besides the ipalm, i'm afraid my writing and typing skills may be a little.. funky.

i just want someone to listen to me. at the end of monday, i found myself looking at my colleague and ex-boyfriend, thinking how nice it would be to just rest my head against his chest and be held (not him specifically, it's just a vaguely familiar scenario). and i need to get laid, but that's a whole 'nother story.. i may have scared the shit out of my roommates. they bought a couch today, one we all decided was a good deal - brown cordouroy. i came home and the livng room was completely different from the clutter of messy piles it was when last i truly saw it, at 8 this morning. for reference, i got home at midnight.

bellise and i smoked a cigarette and i was able to give her advice, and then realized i've been desperately wanting that. i've watched people fuck up their interviews for a few days (hours upon hours) and would love to tell them how to correct their mistakes but am stifled by hiring ethics. i can't pay attention for much longer.

i remember going to debate tournaments in high school and exhausting my mental resources. i would come home babbling and desiring nothing but sleep, unable to be coherent or express my needs. that's tonight. monday night i though we needed a toilet plunger, and we bought one at target, where i was annoyingly goofy (picture me pole-vaulting with a toilet plunger.. yeah). it's just getting worse. everyone thinks they're good under pressure, and so did i. but in truth i'm better with sustained physical pressure, manual labor where my body works hard and fast but my mind is free to meander around at its own pace. i'm good at burst of mental endurance lasting no more than a day and a half straight, excluding time for sleep. but not this. i can't take much more. i find myself staring at applicants while they answer five minute questions, nodding appropriately but left with no idea what was said. they must find it creepy.

i didn't mean to stay at the bar for five hours, but i did. i didn't get any release from it, though, because i was there with the same people i've seen ever minute of the past three days. maybe my boss said it well: 'i think that's about it for reality.' we'll get back to that.. later.

last night i dreamt about this weekend. i'm still afraid.