I have lost all hope in the United States economy. I knew it was turning into a auto-capitalist society, but hope that it wouldn't get worse was something I always clung to. but I have bad news; it is getting worse;

Today, I saw the first Christmas oriented Advertisement of the year.

I was shocked, appaled, depressed, and offended all at the same time. I am sure that I will not buy the "Soulful Christmas" CD collection. I have noticed that in the last few years, Advertisements have been coming out earlier and earlier. A week before Thanksgiving is understandable. A few days before Halloween is definitely not.

Now you all will have to excuse me while I firebomb The Gap

it must be the prozac.

or maybe its all that food
she's been eating. shouldn't
give a girl too much food;
she might start taking life
as her own.

i'm finally happy. and in all reality, perhaps i have less of a reason to be than i was depression. few, if any, in my class are more than mere 'peers'; lower grades show more promise, if just for the mere fact of a greater pool of students.

you know, you were a heck of a lot nicer before you started all this

(but. its okay.) and, i don't let that bother me. (too much.) because:

i'm worth just as much at 100% of my target weight than i am at any other percentage.

it's not okay to believe anyone, or anything, that says that its my fault if it isn't.

my body looks much better when my bones aren't hurting people.

it's becoming a nice feeling to have guys whistle and notice me. breasts and curves and smiles are much more fun than death.

this is my body, and its mine for the long run.

are you sure you're not going overboard with this?
i think you're making it out to be a bigger deal than it really is.

and kate was right all along, as if we had any doubt.
"senior year should not be spent with one's head over a toilet."

man, i'd be full if i ate all those calories, too -
i only eat about 1/3 of that a day. but some of us
actually want to look good in jeans, so that's okay.

i'm getting better.

you're doing so well, lisa.
i'm so proud of you.
i love you.

and i know what to believe.

I am posting this as a follow up to my node October 27, 2001 where I complained about a node being nuked. Since I posted that, the editor who nuked the node gave me further explanation for why, and I agree with the reasons that were given. He also looked at my daylog and said that the contents of the node that was nuked would be an ok node, were it posted under a different title than Albert Einstein Quotes. Now I think I can change my stance.

If I understand the stance he took correctly, the objection wasn't to the fact that the node was written by someone else, but more to the fact that the title leant itself to the "many writeups with little content" syndrome. The same problem that GTKY nodes often have. By limiting the amount of "quote nodes," you're limiting the amount of nodes with two lines of text. If someone says something particularly nodeworthy, it should be indexed by the subject and not Soandso quote.

I often dislike absolute bannings, but I can understand the point and perhaps the need for this one. I will be reposting the Albert Einstein quote, but I have to think of a suitable title.

Thank you for your comments and support, please look at The difficulty of explaining abstract concepts for an updated version of the node that once rested in Albert Einstein Quotes.

8:43. She's on her way over on a neutral pretext, I have an out. I can pretend there's nothing beyond the errand, let this moment pass from my lips. Things are in that state of supersaturation, before the relationship begins to crystallize. If you are who I think you are, you're thinking: "paradichlorobenzene". Remember the crystal dropping into the test tube, the sudden freeze? If you're thinking that, then I wish you were here to advise, since we are of a like mind.

Try to imagine.
I'll be breaking off here suddenly in a moment to answer the door, and I may return totally changed. Imagine that. There was a time when I looked at a bottle of beer and marveled that in a few moments, at the bottom of the bottle, I would be a different person, in a totally different mood: undeniably true, and yet I could barely imagine it.
This feels like losing virginity. Portentious-- the smell of the real making you realize that you have been living with only four senses.

I"m just coming out of THE FOG. First my dad died after a long illness, then one of my best friends and colleagues died suddenly and unexpectedly from Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I've discovered it is true; confusion and aimlessness (the fog) are a part of the grief process.

I'm feeling good again, despite missing them both. Exercise helps relieve stress for me; consequently I'm in better shape than ever. Today I built a compost pile after much raking of leaves, cutting of grass, walked miles and did my Yoga for Abs tape. Getting the house organized a bit helps too but it is just a chore that must be done, not a joy. I prefer to be outside. I'm almost, maybe actually, in a sort of manic phase - making up for lost time, etc.

We just went to the wedding of a young lady I first knew as a 34-week preemie. Wow!

(Look out! This is a rant/daylog.)

My brain is learning...

...to be single again and to deal with the situation a lot more rationally. I cannot seem to remember the issues I had discussed with myself at home. They seem to disappear the moment I step into the office. I will have to try to recall as much as I can:

I don't believe she even realizes the enormity of the situation and the consequences it holds. She is probably too involved in her work to realize what she had done - her voice-mail greeting is a good indicator of that. She is quite possibly too stressed to deal with anything right now. "Avoid it long enough and it will go away."

I don't think so.

She's dealt with work stress before, but I think this time around, it's been too overbearing. Working until the middle of the evening can do things to your mind. Tense all the time, she had no time for a relationship. Her work was her escape from me, and now, she had totally escaped. Great fucking job!

She left me with all the praciticalities again, and I cleaned up this domestic mess.

- I called my insurance broker that I don't need renter's insurance anymore, and that she needed to be taken off the coverage as well. We won't know if she'll answer the call to have the policy cancelled. How fucking irresponsible of her.

- I'll have to end up paying the Hydro and our telephone account out of my own pocket until I get the money back from her. How fucking irresponsible of her.

- I just called the Rogers TV and Internet service to have our account disconnected and cancelled. I gave them her telephone numbers so that they can chase after her for money she owed and still have not payed. She was responsible for paying this bill but have not even done so, not once. (This was a hint that she needed to save her money for her escape. How fucking irresponsible and inconsiderate!

Now that I am able to step back from it, I cannot believe the number of indicators that were there for me to read that this was not going to work. Most of them have to do with her being a certain way into not dealing with certain things in a strong manner. I have a feeling that she has an inferiority complex and knows that she is inadequate in certain personal behaviours/skills, and then overcompensates by merely stating the opposite.

"Nope," she would say.

Oh, is THAT ever weak.

I was the older one, and I was more responsible. They don't necessarily go hand-in-hand, but in this case, it did, and I'm proud that I stood my ground. What she had taught me was to be more firm, less easy-going about certain things. Well, she taught me well. And once I used my powers, she had realized she couldn't take advantage anymore. Another reason why she left.

As every day passes, my life is becoming a lot simpler. Gone are the worries of what she might think if I surfed for pr0n (which she masturbates to anyways). Gone are the worries of managing a complex financial system we had. Gone are the worries of being on time driving her to work nearly every day when we lived together. Gone are the worries of keeping a place in a high state of cleanliness which she always breaks. I couldn't believe how much of her I've tolerated, and no part of her ever changed.

I wasn't out to change her, but she was out to change me. She considered it change. I considered it evolving as I was still the same person. She blamed everything I said to her as "being mean". Well, when someone doesn't have the common sense (supposedly imprinted by the parents, but obviously didn't occur) to execute even the most miniscule of things, it must be verbalized. Holding back such seemingly small comments can only lead to one big explosion of worldly-insignificant issues. And indeed, it can cause discord. It isn't being mean - it's harmless nitpicking. Sometimes she just takes things too personally.

Now that I've exhausted, once again, my thoughts, it's back to work for me. I've barely made progress considering having to be on the emotional rollercoaster 24/7.

I know that it's a rant, but I also think what I've said above also includes hard, realistic observations.

---

I realize I am being harsh, but what else am I to do when someone like that hurts me so profoundly? Compassion for the other is difficult to find when something of this magnitude happens. Love exists in only a small part - in the same place where there may be hope of getting back together. But even that is fading away.

And so the emotional rollercoaster continues...

---

No more dressing up for Halloween together.
No more Christmas presents to each other.
No more going to Florida in the spring together.
No more lasagnas made by her for Thanksgiving.
No more spending New Year's Eve at home.
No more keeping warm with her lying the best way. Only cold winter nights exist.

They will all have to be done with someone else, now.

---

The agonizing has taken over my life!!! :-(

So today I didn't recieve the call, well let me restate that, I did receive the call but it was for a job that I did not want to take, after all I am not a Special Education teacher. I just don't know how to handle the students. It would be just a frustrating day for me.

So here I sit at home, jobless for today, but you ever have times when you just need to get a lot done but you have not had the time to do. Today will be one of those days for me. Time to complete my application for continuing my education at Western Michigan University. Hopefully I don't have to write an essay.

A woman from the Oberlin Hillel called me to tell me about some upcoming Jewish events. As she progressed through the items and I continued to say nothing that would indicate any interest on my part, her voice became more hesitant and apologetic. I could tell that she knew that I couldn't care less about my heritage, but she continued on because that was what was required of her. It was as though we were both acting in a scene from some play and were suprised and disappointed to find that this time we were the actors. As her list wound pitifully down, we thanked each other and I went back to whatever mundane crap I had been doing in the first place.

school is my friend school is my friend school is my friend school is my friend

school is not my friend

Arf. I am getting burnt out on school. It's not that i don't enjoy school or learning, not at all. I just don't have a very good relationship with homework, and after a while i get very very sick of it all, and rather behind. That's what's happening now.

I took a German course over the summer, and i'm wondering now if i really should have done that. It was 12 hours a week of classtime, plus homework, for nine weeks, rather intensive. I probably could have used the summer as a break from schoolwork. I did simply blow off some of the homework over the summer, mostly because i was tired of school.

Now i'm back in Minnesota, taking only three classes, and i'm probably going to withdraw from one of them. I go to class, listen but float, and generally appear that i'm in another world. I do some of my homework, ignore some of it. This is getting rather pointless.

So, i have an idea. Maybe i should take a break. Maybe i can take next semester off. And what would i do then?

i can ride my bike across the country!

It's probably not the best weather to be starting that in January, but i don't know that i could finish the trip over just the summer. So i'll go home for winter break and not come back to school in the spring. I'll try to seek out some form of temporary employment in this wintry economic climate (unemployment recently reached 6.4% in Oregon, the second highest rate in the country), save up money to buy things like panniers and a tent and some road tires and maybe a bicycle seat that won't make me impotent. Meanwhile, i'll go on long rides in the mild Portland climate to prepare me for my trip. Then in late March or early April, i'll head south.

I'll go south through California, maybe as far as Los Angeles. I will touch the Pacific Ocean. I will go east along a southerly route. I may go to New Orleans, i may go to Memphis. I will touch the Atlantic Ocean. I will go to the northeast; i will visit New York. I will ride back west, eventually reaching the Twin Cities, where i will visit Joyquality. Depending on time, i will ride or take the train home.

I'll camp in the middle of nowhere; i'll stay with family and friends; maybe i'll end up in a motel once or twice. Maybe i'll stay with strangers. I'll visit noders along the way (/msg me and i'll stick you on my map!). I'll eat fruit leather. It will be hard. It will be fun.

whee!

Light as a feather, locked as a bathroom door.

Is it okay that I really don't want anyone touching me right now? Hummmph. I mean, I'm fine, I feel great....it's not that. It's just.....
Tomorrow. That will be an interesting day. Kash and I driving up to Jacksonville to pick up Jake from the station. He's supposed to be here at least four months, and I'm really glad he'll be here. Kash and I are going to support him for a bit, (actually, she's outta a job, so that will fall on me a bit....thus why I am giving up my comfy job for something that 1- pays better, 2-is in my area of expertise and 3- gives me my weekends back.) Anxiety sucks, I really think it's the worse possible thing for somebody's health, so......I have no problem helping a friend out.

Thor leaves for Montana Thursday...he'll only be gone 2 months, but I'm really gonna miss him. I don't feel crazy when I talk to him, I can't say that much about many people.

We had a wild ass party Saturday...all I know is I locked some dude in a closet...still don't know his name....something really freaky happened....somebody got too excited and bit my lip....and I have bruises ALL OVER my body. For the first time in my life, I was so drunk I do not remember half the night. We have a really BIG party to hit tomorrow night after we pick Jacob up. Yeehaw!

Ummm. Taking a break from Scott. It really is too much too soon, and he and I have a lot going on right now. I meant everything I told him, and I actually believe him. But....I really am diggin' doing things my own way. I like being alone, so sue me. Always was a bit freedom hungry.....and all of this shit has happened way too quickly....and even though I believe about 50% of what he tells me....that's just because he is who he is...and he's never given me a reason not to believe him. But I really don't want to bite off all of this at this time. I need time, and I dare say he needs time too. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.....so I ain't stressin. Maybe a little faith, I guess. Worst case scenario, I have my friend back and that goddamn cycle of the last 6 years is finally broken. I can't complain.

Finally told the in-laws my schedule. They understand. I really wanna stick around for my dad, y'know? My classes let out in May, so I can be out there the first week of June....I can't wait for my classes! The only thing I have to do now is buy my helmet, my gloves.......eventually I'll get my own equipment....my own torch will be a pretty penny, yet another reason for the new job. But I'm finally getting what I wanted, and I'm doing it all by myself.

I am freaked by the condition my father is settling into. I've just lost so many damn people over the last few years, death, separation, too many differences......I am getting really angry. Like, why now? Why all of this now? Did it really have to all happen over the course of three years? What are the Fates doing to those goddamn strings? Cutting them all the same lengths? I just hope he gets to see me finish school, that's all he ever wanted y'know. Most daddies wanna see their baby girls in good hands, married and such. Mine knows my own hands are just fine, he just wants to see me finish this quest.

And I will, Daddy. Damn't, I will.

"Come on over everybody... Karma Debt is having a Pity Party and you're ALL invited!"

I still can't get through a single day without crying.

Driving in to work this morning I was listening to NPR.  I heard the reports of the newest security threats.  Now, it could just be PMS or it could be that I'm still very emotionally wrought, but hearing that just made me cry.   It made me cry to know that someone in the world wants the rest of the world to be scared. 

I got in to work and finally responded to family e-mails.  I keep putting it off.   They want things, specifically his things and I'm not ready to let go of anything yet.  Then again, I'm not ready to sort through it either.   They want to know how I'm doing.  They want to know how the kids are doing. They want, and want and want.  So, I give them the fairy tale version of my days and nights. Took the kids to the pumpkin patch, raked leaves, and we made a scarecrow. Its all true, its just not really how we're doing, just what we're doing.   Don't get me wrong.  I really do appreciate their concern.  I love them all, his mother, father, stepmom, brother, etc.  I'm just not at the point where I'm ready to regularly deal with pleasantries.

Today, I'm feeling pathetic. 

One highlight of the evening will be carving the pumpkins with the kiddies.  And, looking forward to fun with them tomorrow.

Despite my utter antagonism towards all forms of religion, I don't have hard time understanding them. Well, I think I don't, anyways. First, the fate thing; even a rabid atheist such as myself finds himself, from time to time, wondering about the strangest coincidences. Sure, I can tell myself it's all chemistry and statistics but, well, as rational as that might be, it's not really very compelling.

Then there's this love the neighbor / turn the other cheek / love thy enemy deal. I figured it was just a nice bit of pacifism designed to beat the prisoner's dilemma that, sometimes it seems, is the chief tragedy of all life. But, well, one night when I was in a slightly strange state of mind I gave it a shot. I don't remember if I've rambled to myself about it yet, but anyways, there was this guy whose stuff we tried to steal in my alternative life. He wasn't exactly happy about it, and I figured, let's play a fun joke on him, so I went to a locked room with my friend and summoned this guy in. The usual practise of killing people with minimum hassle is to summon them in locked rooms and kill, so understandably he was quite upset, but after he ran away a couple of times and we kept summoning him back until I had time to give him a present. It was really quite hilarious even if I couldn't see his face. Anyhow, the point is, he dropped his ignore (similar to IRC's equivalent) and now even resurrects me when I'm needing one. I found that even more amusing - I give him a present with almost no monetary value and a hug, and suddenly all is forgiven :)

Meanwhile on the other life, I think I'm going bald, much like that guy in node I can't remember. This is very distressing. I think I'll have to opt for finnish military service instead of civil service just so I'll have a legitimate reason to shave my head so my thinning hair isn't noticeable. Alternatively, I might dress as a bald monk for, well, "penkkarit". It would be very fitting, anyways - I could move around with bible in my pocket all day and occasionally stop, read it and mumble some prayers. Wouldn't be too different from what I'm doing now, anyways.

As I write this, there are HazMat crews outside my window going over the first two floors of Old Main at my school -Mercyhurst College. The college has had an anthrax scare. A little over kill considering we are in Erie, PA. I understand though, that the authorities have to be careful. After freezing my ass off outside with the other Comm. majors/newspaper writers and the local TV crews, this is what I know (other than tv reporters and talking heads ask the stupidest questions):

The head of admissions (I think) got a suspicious foreign package with white power in it. His secretary opened it and got it on her. People on the first and second floors of Old Main aren't allowed to leave the building, since the secretary walked through the hall to the bathroom to clean up. Although I walked through the first floor and they let me leave, but I guess that was before anyone in authority got there. Classes are canceled for today, and maybe tomorrow.

Hamot (our local hospital/trauma center) brought a truck and it triaging students. Then they are taking people down for testing. Technically I am one of the people who could get tested, because I was on the first floor of old main within a certain time period, but I'm not going to get tested. As I mentioned before this is Erie -- not exactly high on anyone's target list.

Further Updates Later.

It gets so dark so fast these days.

I come home to dark. Carson will go off to drill this weekend and it will be my first time alone in my new place, really. After 32 people filed in and out, in and out for a weekend.

The cool thing about meeting noders in person is that, often, you hadn't paid a lot of attention to each other, but after you meet, and put a face and voice to names, you find yourself seeking out their words when they leave you. I am finding all these cool things they have said.

I will not go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. There must be something wrong because I don't seem to care. But, then, if I didn't care at all, I wouldn't mention it at all, would I?

There are homeless kids living in the abandoned building next to me, a building my landlord says "we own." She tells me to call the police if I see them, two scraggly white boys with brown clothes that have become brown, but were likely another color. She tells me she spoke to a shelter coordinator and he said they are likely guys he knows, that he sees them during the day but has no room for them at night. I can't bring myself to sick the cops on them. If I had food, I would fight the urge to leave little baskets out for them. Yes, I know, I want to take care of the world. My world just seems to small in comparison.

I got the pictures back from this weekend, and even now it seems so long ago, time pressed into time like colors mixing. And all the awkward thoughts: no I haven't read that book, never heard of that movie, have no idea what these terms are you're using, and pleasepleaseplease have something in common with me so we can have something to talk about.

Halloween is tomorrow, and it should be fun, but it's not, not around here. I can feel it, because I believe something different. I am no fool; I know there are powers out there and that they are strong and they may not like me (they also may not care either way). I am staying home. One year, I went out into the Quarter looking for a friend who should have been with us but wandered off. Walking down Decatur was like getting lost in a cave; I could feel the snaps of the open and closing mouths of monsters. They knew I was not one of them. Hard to explain, but that's as clear as I get.

I could rent my brain to Science...

...for just over $33 an hour!

Some researchers at UC Irvine, where I'm taking a class this quarter and the next, need healthy right-handed volunteers between the ages of 18 and 35 to participate in a brain imaging study. They're willing to pay $150 for two visits, a grand total of 4 and a half hours of PET scan and MRI scan goodness, which with the migraine I had this morning sounded like a total party.

The catch? Radioactive tracer (they promise it's safe for people) being intravenously injected into my body. With my lousy track record in the "trained professionals can't find my veins" department, that part sounds kind of scary.

So. Good idea? Bad idea? You tell me.

Update, 14 September 2002 I promised this node would exist only for as long as it took me to make a decision; I lied. I ended up not doing the study, because I am lazy and don't like needles very much. My part-time job at the time paid $17-$18/hr, and work was kind of slow, so a relatively easy $150 would have been good, but still. There's always hooking for crack, after all.

My whole body is numb. I stretch and move around, just to know that my body is there. I've been reading for over an hour because I have to talk about the book at 9 am tommorrow. Lying in bed, I can't feel a thing. I just want to sleep. It's 8pm.

After a summer of being with someone I love every night its hard to get used to this alone thing. Its hard to feel my body being there without the touching of someone else. I feel like a blob. Naked only in the shower and between dressing and undressing. I feel out of touch.

What did I do before I met him? I have no idea any more. Maybe nothing. Maybe the numbness was just what I did feel. I need someone to hold. Someone to run their fingers through my hair and down my sides, up my legs, over my stomach. I need to wake up and know that I am alive. Know that I am a full body and mind. Not just a pile of thoughts propelled through motion.

This long distance gets harder everyday. Its scary to feel that you need someone else to know that you're alive. Human nature I suppose.

I guess I'm just lonely.

I gotta write this quick before it's Hallw--n

I wasn't as depressed yesterday, or today. I hope it was the Spirit of Truth that told me in my head that I didn't have to worry about Anthrax here at the P.O. where I work.

My kid's back at our house after visiting his grandfather (Pap-Pap) on the Maryland Eastern Shore. They are concerned with my job. We get customers calling asking if we are all right. I think sometimes they just want to know if they will be safe...understandably so.

Brother Stair had on his Overcomer show: his interpretation of the Leopard, the Lion, the Bear and the Eagle relating to current events. (Germany, England, Russia, and American, respectively.) Art Bell's radio show had a lady who consults with a Father Martin, and they saw in the Bible Codes the predictions of our horrible past events...and the ones we are warned about in the near future. They were very worried about the missing suitcase bombs. Remember the internet warning about Halloween, the MMalls, etc. I ferverantly hope nothing comes to pass. She says we had better pick up the prayer pace we had after 9-11, that dropped after a couple of weeks passed. I have to agree, but I would like my bumper sticker to say:

Bless God, America

You see, it is written: "Submit to God, and His righteousness, and these things will be added unto you." I wish I had, and could live by these words. I try to start with a daily understanding of my purpose on this planet. My pathos is on a human scale tied up with writing high quality nodes for this forum, and to try to balance it with the rest of my life, job, family, and community. E2 is a Community.

I have some things started on Notepad, but, you know how it is. Thanks for reading. It was good for me, I hope it was for you.

I'm just gonna come right out and say this: I'm not in a writeup mood. I'm tired, I feel sick, and I have a brand new issue of Maxim that I haven't even touched. But today was just... too amazing to not remember. So here I go.

I got a call today from a woman. She couldn't tell me what she needed, only that she was feeling very anxious, and that life was going too fast. She said she needed to go to our local crisis center. I typecoded it as a suicidal person only because I didn't know what else to call it. Since there was no actual threat of suicide, I was going to let her go so I could answer other lines, but in this soft, tired voice she asked me to stay on the line with her until officers got there. So I did. Normally when I keep people on the line like that it's just periodically asking for updates so the officers know what's going on when they are driving there. But she just wanted me to stay there. To be there for her. So I did. I started talking to her about whatever I could think of... first I asked her why she felt the way she did. There were a lot of reasons, but one of the main reasons she hit on was that she was developmentally disabled. We talked about that for a while. How she hates the word "retarded" because it takes on such a demeaning tone. I had to agree, because it is so true. We talked about her sister, who lives in a board and care home. I wanted to ask what her parents had done to make them this way, but I couldn't. We talked about her day, and what she liked to do. Finally I heard a soft knocking in the background, and she asked me to hold on while she got the door. It was as though I was talking to an old friend. When I finally hung up with her, I felt sad for the first time after taking a call. I let down the barrier. I got to know her.

Driving home today I looked up to see that the sky showed the signs of dusk or twilight. I initially attributed it to Daylight Savings Time which just started, but then I glanced down at the clock to see that it was a mere 3:30am. I realized it was the light of the full moon that was doing this. So I drove out to the levee road to see it on the water. As it turned out, the entire place was blanketed in fog. It soon became so dense that I could only see about 15 feet in front of me. Finally I pulled off the road and stopped. As I stepped out, I looked up at the moon, to see it shining steadily through this blanket of fog, with 3 different multicolored coronas surrounding it. The water was quiet, and I walked down the bank to the shore. I literally had tunnel vision because all I could see was about 20 feet of water in front of me, the fog, and the moon. Mere words can't describe what it felt like to witness something like that. It was like my own world there. I was the only one around for miles, and nobody was awake that I could call. So I did the only thing I could think of. I knelt down and prayed to God and thanked Him for sharing this moment with me.