I do too many drugs. I've been this way since I was a kid, and discovered for the first time that you feel funny if you breathe the fumes from rubber cement. I joined Narcotics Anonymous when I was sixteen, and stuck with it for four years, until I realized that there's only so much therapeutic benefit to be gained from hugging a 300 pound biker who's obsessed with Jesus.

I was really into LSD for a while when I was fifteen and sixteen, and I probably took about 200 total hits of acid over the course of six months. The undeniable insanity brought about by this level of chemical meddling is the reason I ended up in the 12 step cult. I was spiraling down into a self-destructive insanity, and those people offered me help and salvation (in exchange for my free will, I would eventually come to understand).

Upon leaving the stifling comfort of church basements, I went off the deep end a bit. For years, people had been telling me what I could or could not put into my body, without any true reasons or justification that applied to me and my life (in fact, any sort of justification or motivation was generally frowned upon, in favor of blind faith), and I guess I needed to rebel. I vowed to never drop acid again, but I went on a bit of a bender with everything else I could get my hands on (only hippie drugs, though, none of the hard shit).

Now, about nine months later, I think I'm finally starting to stabilize. Smoking pot everyday makes me paranoid and apathetic. Drinking too much makes me irresponsible and sickly. Ecstasy just freaks me out (although it feels really fucking good while it's doing it). I wish I could have learned how to chemically alter myself in a controlled and responsible fashion, but, whenever something feels that good, I want to do it over and over again until I die.

Maybe, when I get my shit together, I'll be able to casually smoke a bowl with my friends. Maybe I'll even be able to drop acid, eat some shrooms, or go on a DMT trip, and rediscover myself in an intensely spiritual journey. I can't do these things now, though, as much as I want to. My brain's chemistry is just too fucked up, and there's too many painful stimuli in my life. Pretty much the only thing I feel like I can do anymore, without getting fucked up and depressed, is drink beer (I can hardly even handle vodka anymore).

So, for now, and for me, I'm laying off the drugs. I'm not quitting, and I'm not going to refuse to hang out with people because they do drugs. I still think marijuana, LSD, and many other psychedelics are wonderful things, and that most of the people on this earth can benefit from their mind-opening effects, I just happen to not be one of those people right now.

The first time I did drugs was when I was 16. I smoked pot after we had this drug education section of health class. The 2 week program was supposed to teach us about the danger of drug use. I never really thought about getting high until then, but they made it sound like such a wonderful thing to do.

The greatest thing about pot was that it gave me a social life. Before that, I could never talk to people, but since talking to people was the only way to get high, I started a long series of social interactions and friendships.

One day, while getting high with my pothead friends, the discussion shifted from Pink Floyd to LSD. At this point weed was getting somewhat boring, and beer wasn't very exciting, so we all decided to trip. The first time everyone else did it, I wasn't there, so this made me want to do it even more. Once I finally did, I couldn't stop. I thought acid was the most wonderful thing ever.

I still think acid is good, although it did drive me nuts every once in a while -- it only lead to one suicide attempt though, and that was in combination with alcohol. The positive aspect of tripping has been the acid logic on which my present world view is based.

Well, once I went to college, I again need something new. Cocaine was that new thing. Rap and cocaine formed my world for a good month as I failed Human Growth and Development and made a B in Topology and Genetics. When I finally was praying to God to let me sleep (I'm an atheist) while my nose bled all over my pillow, I decided to stop.

So then I went to a rave and discovered ecstasy. It was to later become my favorite drug when I moved from Mississippi to Pittsburgh, where raves were commonplace. Before moving to Pittsburgh, I went back to my hometown of Tampa for a few months and there discovered heroin. This is the worst drug that ever was. It feels so good that you become addicted the first time you ever use it. So then you do it again, and before long you're not only psychologically addicted, but physically addicted as well.

Fortunately, I continued my education at the University of Pittsburgh, where (for awhile, anyway) I couldn't find heroin. So this kid who ended up getting my girlfriend pregnant and marrying her asked my if I'd like to smoke some crack. "Sure, why not?" I thought, "what's one more added to the list." It really wasn't such a big deal. Crack is by far the dumbest drug imaginable. You do it once and after a few minutes you come down. Your first thought is that you need to smoke twice as much as you just did. Then you realize how stupid that is and vow never to do it again. The next time I smoked crack, that thought was confirmed and I haven't done it since, and the reason for that second time was just to chill with some crackhead that tried to rob me one time and was trying to be nice.

So I finally settled on ecstasy as my drug of choice after candyflipping every weekend for a few months. The result of rolling every weekend for a few years is not what the media makes it out to be (of course I never could really remember anything). My only complaint is that my serotonin levels are so depleted that I need to take valium to fall asleep before 3am (production of serotonin is what makes you fall asleep, and that production peaks around 3am -- this it the worst time to be driving a car).

So I can't stop doing drugs. The best I can come is to rotate my consumption so that nothing gets boring and the brain damage is spread out rather than concentrated. If life weren't so boring, I'd probably be able to quit, but boredom is the one thing I can't stand...

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