Mission to Mars: The Condensed Version

EXT. Backyard

A party is being held. A bunch of people we don't really
care about are talking about things which we don't really
care about.

               GARY SINISE
      Wow, these Pringles are great!
      Once you pop, you can't stop.
      
               TIM ROBBINS
      Aren't you upset that you can't
      lead the mission to Mars because
      your wife is sick?
      
               GARY SINISE
      Oh. Yeah. But these Pringles really
      make me forget my problems.
      
               DON CHEADLE
      Hey guys, I'm not even the most
      famous person in the movie and
      I'm leading the Mission while
      GARY SINISE stays home!
      
GARY SINISE and TIM ROBBINS just look at each other.

EXT. Mars

Rather than work up boring character development and a
cohesive story line, we skip 13 months and go directly
to the Mars Mission already in progress.

               NOT-YET-DEAD-ACTOR
       Hey guys, I found something weird
       using the rover, and even though
       it is clearly a sharply pointed 
       structure coming out of a mountain,
       it must be ice therefore we should 
       go investigate.
         
               DON CHEADLE
       Yes! But first, we must sing
       HAPPY BIRTHDAY to GARY SINISE
         
               ANOTHER-NOT-YET-DEAD-ACTOR
       Great, let's get in our Rover, which is
       made by Kawasaki and protected with
       Pennzoil motor oil. That's right, Pennzoil,
       because on Mars we only trust our Rovers
       to Pennzoil motor oil.
         
They sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to GARY SINISE.  Predictably, 
the crew is sucked up into a giant special effect EXACTLY 
like the one seen in the previews. The rest of the cast, 
including GARY SINISE, must go rescue them even though it 
will takes months to get there and they don't even know 
what happened or who is alive.

INT. Spaceship

               JERRY O'CONNELL
        Ouch, some sort of rock has sliced 
        through my hand.
          
               TIM ROBBINS
        Oh no, meteorites have pierced the hull.
        Luckily your blood will pinpoint the location
        of the leak.
          
             GARY SINISE
        There must be another leak. How can we 
        find it?
          
             CONNIE NEILSEN
        How about if we spit and see where it goes?
          
             GARY SINISE
             (ignoring her)
        I know, let's use Dr Pepper. That's right, 
        Dr Pepper is the official soft drink used by
        NASA to locate small leaks in the hull of
        spacecraft. Dr Pepper, it makes the world
        taste better.
          
In an overly contrived plot twist, JERRY O'CONNELL, TIM ROBBINS, 
GARY SINISE, and CONNIE NEILSEN end up floating through space 
above Mars.

EXT. Space

               TIM ROBBINS
        The only way you can survive is if I
        die.
          
               CONNIE NEILSEN
        But I love you, because the script
        says you are my husband!
          
             TIM ROBBINS
        In order to make you realize that I 
        must die, I will now remove my helmet.
          
For some reason, TIM ROBBINS removes his helmet, at which 
point his head instantly freezes. Half of the audience 
leaves due to lack of exploding heads.

INT. Spaceship

               DON CHEADLE
        I must kill you all!
          
               GARY SINISE
        Please don't.
          
               DON CHEADLE
        OK.
          
INT. Alien Spacecraft

The crew, including GARY SINESE, find an alien spacecraft 
and an actual alien who looks like every other alien does 
except that he is wearing Levi jeans, Nike shoes, and is 
smoking Marlboros while pitching 10-10-321.

               ALIEN
        (points around)
          
               GARY SINISE
        These martians started all life
        on Earth!
          
               CONNIE NEILSEN
        Yes, that's what the poster said.
          
               GARY SINISE
        I have found my purpose, I must
        go with this ship to where the
        aliens have gone. Because my WIFE
        is dead.
          
               DON CHEADLE
         Whatever dude, we're gonna go
         home now. Later.
           
Due to an extreme lack of excitement over having met 
aliens and learned that all life on Earth was created 
by them, DON CHEADLE and CONNIE NEILSEN go home.

               THE END

Rating: 1/5
Before the title "Mission to Mars" was used to make a simply awful movie, "Mission to Mars" was one of the cooler attractions at Disneyland.

The Mission to Mars attraction was located in Tomorrowland and designed as a hybrid between the interior of a Mars bound rocket and a theater. Several rows of seats were arranged in a circle. Two circular screens, one on the floor and one on the ceiling showed the "view" out the back and front of the ship, respectively. The screens and an audio narration combined to take the audience on a simulated, well, Mission to Mars. The theater was equipped with vibrating seats that activated when the "ship" fired its rockets.

During the 80s, the Mission to Mars attraction was removed and the space it had formerly occupied was used to house the new Captain EO attraction.

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