Mission to Mars: The Condensed Version
A party is being held. A bunch of people we don't really
care about are talking about things which we don't really
Wow, these Pringles are great!
Once you pop, you can't stop.
Aren't you upset that you can't
lead the mission to Mars because
your wife is sick?
Oh. Yeah. But these Pringles really
make me forget my problems.
Hey guys, I'm not even the most
famous person in the movie and
I'm leading the Mission while
GARY SINISE stays home!
GARY SINISE and TIM ROBBINS just look at each other.
Rather than work up boring character development and a
cohesive story line, we skip 13 months and go directly
to the Mars Mission already in progress.
Hey guys, I found something weird
using the rover, and even though
it is clearly a sharply pointed
structure coming out of a mountain,
it must be ice therefore we should
Yes! But first, we must sing
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to GARY SINISE
Great, let's get in our Rover, which is
made by Kawasaki and protected with
Pennzoil motor oil. That's right, Pennzoil,
because on Mars we only trust our Rovers
to Pennzoil motor oil.
They sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to GARY SINISE. Predictably,
the crew is sucked up into a giant special effect EXACTLY
like the one seen in the previews. The rest of the cast,
including GARY SINISE, must go rescue them even though it
will takes months to get there and they don't even know
what happened or who is alive.
Ouch, some sort of rock has sliced
through my hand.
Oh no, meteorites have pierced the hull.
Luckily your blood will pinpoint the location
of the leak.
There must be another leak. How can we
How about if we spit and see where it goes?
I know, let's use Dr Pepper. That's right,
Dr Pepper is the official soft drink used by
NASA to locate small leaks in the hull of
spacecraft. Dr Pepper, it makes the world
In an overly contrived plot twist, JERRY O'CONNELL, TIM ROBBINS,
GARY SINISE, and CONNIE NEILSEN end up floating through space
The only way you can survive is if I
But I love you, because the script
says you are my husband!
In order to make you realize that I
must die, I will now remove my helmet.
For some reason, TIM ROBBINS removes his helmet, at which
point his head instantly freezes. Half of the audience
leaves due to lack of exploding heads.
I must kill you all!
INT. Alien Spacecraft
The crew, including GARY SINESE, find an alien spacecraft
and an actual alien who looks like every other alien does
except that he is wearing Levi jeans, Nike shoes, and is
smoking Marlboros while pitching 10-10-321.
These martians started all life
Yes, that's what the poster said.
I have found my purpose, I must
go with this ship to where the
aliens have gone. Because my WIFE
Whatever dude, we're gonna go
home now. Later.
Due to an extreme lack of excitement over having met
aliens and learned that all life on Earth was created
by them, DON CHEADLE and CONNIE NEILSEN go home.