For those os us that are fans of Star Wars ...

  • Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
  • Grooming the Wookie
  • Making the Kessel Run
  • Polishing Vader's Helmet
  • Evacuating Tatooine
  • Unsheathing the Meatsaber
  • Releasing the Special Edition
  • Jumping to Delight Speed
  • Communicating with Red Leader One
  • Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
  • Tinkering With the R2 Unit
  • Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
  • Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
  • Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
  • Test Firing the Death Star
I apologize. I have to post this. The worst, most terribly disgusting euphemism for this act I've ever heard of:
Drumroll, please...

Coaxing the snot out of Goofy.

I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen.

Euphemisms for Masturbation

I could hard link all of these but please, have mercy. If you know any more, message me.
For women:
  • Applying lip gloss
  • Basting the tuna
  • Brushing the beaver
  • Burying the knuckle
  • Butterin' the muffin
  • Checking my oil
  • Checking the foxhole
  • Checking the status of the I/O port
  • Circling the knoll
  • Cleaning my fur coat
  • Cleaning your fingers
  • Creamin' the pie
  • Digging for my keys
  • Digitating
  • Doing my nails
  • Doing something for my chapped lips
  • Doing the Two Finger Slot Rumba
  • Drinking from the fountain of youth (for us contortionists)
  • Drooling
  • Dusting the endtable
  • Entering the ring of fire
  • Fare un ditolino (Italian: to do a little finger)
  • Finger blasting
  • Finger fuck
  • Finger pie
  • Flicking the bean
  • Flossing the cat
  • Frigging
  • Getting a stain out of my carpet
  • Going Mining
  • Gusset typing
  • Hula-hooping
  • Itching the ditch
  • JocelynEldering
  • Jilling off - Thanks Brass Rocket!
  • Licking my lips (for us contortionists)
  • Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)
  • Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
  • Making soup
  • Nulling the void
  • Paddling the pink canoe
  • Parting the red sea
  • Petting Snoopy
  • Playing solitare
  • Playing The Silent Trombone
  • Playing the beaver
  • Pokin' the pucker
  • Polishing the wedding ring
  • Preheating the oven
  • Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
  • Pussy poking
  • Riding the waterslide
  • Rolling the dough
  • Rubbin' the nubbin
  • Scratching the patch
  • Secret vice
  • Shooting hoops
  • Shooting the rapids
  • Slapping the Mackerel
  • Snatching
  • Soaking in Palmolive
  • Spelunking
  • Stiffening my upper lip
  • Stirring it up
  • Stoking the furnace
  • Strumming the banjo
  • Surfin' the channel
  • Taking a dip
  • The two fingered tango
  • Tickling the taco
  • Toggling the bit
  • Unclogging the drain
  • Visiting Niagra Falls
  • Visiting your safety deposit box
  • Whipping your nest
  • Working in the garden


For men:

  • A big date with Rosy Palms
  • Adjusting your set
  • Applying the hand brake
  • Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
  • Auditioning the finger puppets
  • Auditioning your hand puppet
  • Backstroke roulette
  • Bashing the Bishop
  • Bashing the candle
  • Beating off
  • Beating the balogna
  • Beating the bed flute
  • Beating the Bishop
  • Beating the dummy
  • Beating the old man
  • Beating the pud
  • Beating the stick
  • Beating your meat
  • Beef-stroke-it-off
  • Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
  • Being your own best friend
  • Biffing off
  • Bleed the weed
  • Blowing the load
  • Blowing your own horn
  • Bludgeoning the beefsteak
  • Bobbing your boloney
  • Bopping Richard
  • Bopping the bishop
  • Bopping the bolgney
  • Bopping the Bonzo
  • Boxing the bald champ
  • Boxing the clown
  • Boxing the jesuit and getting cockroaches
  • Boxing with Richard
  • Buffin' the bishop
  • Buffing the banana
  • Buffing the rifle
  • Buggering your hand
  • Burping the baby
  • Burping the worm
  • Buttering the corn
  • Caning the vandal
  • Capturing the bishop
  • Charming the snake
  • Checking for testicular cancer
  • Cheesing off
  • Choking Kojak
  • Choking the bald guy until he pukes
  • Choking the chicken
  • Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
  • Churning your butter
  • Clamping the pipe
  • Cleaning your rifle
  • Clearing the snorkel
  • Climbin the tree
  • Climbing Mount Baldy
  • Clobbering the Kleenex
  • Closet Frisbee
  • Clubbing the clam
  • Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
  • Coming into your own
  • Coming to grips with yourself
  • Cooking the cream of cock
  • Corralling the tadpoles
  • Couch hockey for one
  • Cranking the love pump
  • Cranking the monkey
  • Cranking the shank
  • Crimping the wire
  • Crowning the king
  • Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
  • Cuffing the carrot
  • Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
  • Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
  • Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
  • Decongesting the weasel
  • Defrosting the fridge
  • Diddling
  • Digging for change
  • Digitally oscillating one's penis
  • Doin' The Solitary Rhumba
  • Doing a hand job
  • Doing battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love
  • Doing handiwork
  • Doing It Your Way
  • Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
  • Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
  • Doing the janitor thing
  • Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
  • Doing the pork sword jiggle
  • Doing the White Knuckler
  • Doing your own thing
  • Downing at the club (for members only)
  • Draining the monster
  • Draining the poisons from the building
  • Driving the skin bus
  • Dry humping the ottoman
  • Dundering the devil-dolphin
  • Electing the president
  • Engaging in safe sex
  • Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of its denim cell
  • Faxing Jimmy Dean
  • Faxing the Pope
  • Feeding the ducks
  • Firing the flesh musket
  • Firing the Surgeon General
  • Fishing for zipper trout
  • Fist fucking
  • Fisting your mister
  • Five-finger solo
  • Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
  • Five on one
  • Flick on over the thumb
  • Flapping Takkie (South African)
  • Flaying the Emperor
  • Flicking the bic
  • Flipping the Bishop
  • Flogging the bishop
  • Flogging the dog
  • Flogging the dolphin
  • Flogging the dong
  • Flogging the frog
  • Flogging the hog
  • Flogging the log
  • Flogging the mule
  • Flogging the salami
  • Flogging your dumber brother
  • Flute solo
  • Fly fishing
  • Fondling the fig
  • Freeing Willy
  • Friggit
  • Frosting the pastries
  • Galloping the antelope
  • Galloping the old lizard
  • Genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion
  • Getting a date with Slick Mittens
  • Getting a grip on things
  • Getting a stiffy
  • Getting chafed
  • Getting off
  • Getting the German soldier marching
  • Getting the glue stick
  • Getting to know yourself
  • Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
  • Getting your palm red
  • Getting your pole varnished
  • Giving it a tug
  • Giving yourself a low five
  • Glazing the donut
  • Gluing the lady's eye's shut
  • Going a couple of rounds with ol' josh
  • Going blind
  • Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
  • Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
  • Going on Peewee's little adventure
  • Going the blow
  • Grappling the gorilla
  • Greasing the pipe
  • Gripping the pencil
  • Hacking the hog
  • Han Solo
  • Hand job
  • Hand Shandy
  • Handy work
  • Hanging the old man
  • Hard labor
  • Having a ball
  • Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
  • Having a date with Fisty Palmer
  • Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
  • Having a ham shank
  • Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
  • Having a one-night-stand with yourself
  • Having a Sherman (British)
  • Having a tug
  • Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
  • Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
  • Having dinner
  • Having it off
  • Having sex with someone you love
  • Hitchhiking to heaven
  • Hitchhiking underneath the big top
  • Holding my own
  • Holding the sausage hostage
  • Honing the cone
  • Hugging the hog
  • Humping the hose
  • Ironing some wrinkles
  • Jack hammering
  • Jacking off
  • Jazzing yourself
  • Jerkin' the gherkin
  • Jerking Jamby
  • Jerking off
  • Jerking the turkey
  • Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
  • Jizzlobbing
  • Juggling the coullions
  • Just jerkin' it
  • Kicking seamen
  • Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
  • Killing it
  • Kneading my knockwurst.
  • Knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
  • Knuckling the bone
  • La veuve poignet (French)
  • Launching the hand shuttle
  • Looking for ticks
  • Loping the mule
  • Loves labors lost
  • Loving the muppet
  • Lubing the Tube
  • Making a foreskin cone
  • Making friends with Big Ed
  • Making instant pudding
  • Making the bald man puke
  • Making the scene with the magazine
  • Making vanilla jism shakes
  • Making yourself at home
  • Mangling the midget
  • Manipulating the mango
  • Manning the cockpit
  • Manual labor
  • Manual override
  • Master bacon
  • Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
  • Meeting Rosie Hancock
  • Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
  • Milking one's self
  • Milking the bull
  • Milking the cow
  • Milking the lizard
  • Milking the moose
  • Milking the weasel
  • Minding my own business
  • Molesting the mole
  • Mounting a corporal and four
  • Much goo about nothing
  • My sex life!
  • Nerking your throbber
  • Oiling the glove
  • Onan's Olympics
  • Onanism
  • One gun salute
  • One man show
  • One off the wrist
  • Packing your palm
  • Paddling the pickle
  • Painting the ceiling
  • Painting the pickle
  • Painting the walls
  • Palming the calm
  • Peelin' some chiles
  • Peeling the banana
  • Peeling the carrot
  • Performing a self-test
  • Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
  • Perling the oyster
  • Petting the lizard
  • Phoning the czar
  • Pipping the pumpkin
  • Playing a little five-on-one
  • Playing a one-stringed guitar
  • Playing in a one-man show
  • Playing Peek-A-Boo With Mr. Johnson
  • Playing peekaboo
  • Playing pocket pinball
  • Playing pocket pool
  • Playing tag with the pink torpedo
  • Playing the flesh flute
  • Playing the one-stringed melody
  • Playing the skin flute
  • Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
  • Playing Uno
  • Playing with the spitting llama
  • Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
  • Pleasing your pisser
  • Plunking your twanger
  • Pocket pinball
  • Pocket pool
  • Pole vaulting
  • Polishing Percy in your palm
  • Polishing the beak
  • Polishing the family jewels
  • Polishing the helmet
  • Polishing the rocket
  • Polishing the sword
  • Popping a nut
  • Popping the cork
  • Pounding off
  • Pounding the bald-headed moose
  • Pounding the pud
  • Pounding your flounder
  • Preparing the carrot
  • Priming the pump
  • Pud wrestling
  • Pulling off
  • Pulling rank
  • Pulling the bologna pony
  • Pulling the carrot
  • Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
  • Pulling the cord
  • Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
  • Pulling the goalie
  • Pulling the handbrake
  • Pulling the pole
  • Pulling the Pope
  • Pulling the weed
  • Pulling the wire
  • Pulling your goalie
  • Pulling your own leg
  • Pulling your prick
  • Pulling your pud
  • Pulling your taffy
  • Pummeling the priest
  • Pumping cream
  • Pumping the electric goo gun
  • Pumping the gas at the self-service island
  • Pumping the python
  • Pumping the stump
  • Punchin' the munchkin
  • Punching the clown
  • Punching the munchin
  • Punishing Percy in the palm
  • Punishing the Pope
  • Qualifying in the testicular time trial
  • Raising the mainsail
  • Ramming the ham
  • Rapid one arm pull-ups
  • Reading poetry
  • Relieving tension
  • Riding the great white knuckler
  • Rolling your own
  • Romancing the bone
  • Romeo and Himself
  • Roping the pony
  • Roping the Pope
  • Roughing up the suspect
  • Rubbing off
  • Rubbing one out
  • Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
  • Rubbing the pink eraser
  • Rubbing the rod
  • Running off a batch by hand
  • Running the cheeta
  • Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
  • Safest sex
  • Sanding wood
  • Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
  • Schnauzer Shuffleboard
  • Scouring the tower of power
  • Scraping your horn
  • Scratchin the itch
  • Se branler (French)
  • Se crosser (French)
  • Se faire les cinq doigts de la main (French)
  • Se passer un poignet (French)
  • Secret handshake
  • Self abuse
  • Self-induced penile regurgitation
  • Self-inflicted intercourse
  • Sex with someone you really love
  • Shagging
  • Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln
  • Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
  • Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
  • Shaking Hands with Mr. President
  • Shaking hands with the general
  • Shaking hands with the midget
  • Shaking hands with the unemployed
  • Shaking hands with the wife's best friend
  • Shaking hands with your John Thomas
  • Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
  • Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
  • Shaking the bottle
  • Shaking the dice
  • Shaking the hand of the self-employed
  • Shaking the sauce
  • Shaking the sausage
  • Shaking the snake
  • Shanking
  • Shellacking the shellaleigh
  • Shemping the hog
  • Shifting gears
  • Shining the helmet
  • Shining the pork sword
  • Shining your pole
  • Shoot skeet (pull...shoot)
  • Shooting flies
  • Shooting for the moon
  • Shooting putty at the moon
  • Shooting tadpoles at the moon (from the movie "Totally Fucked up)
  • Shooting your wad
  • Shuck The Corn
  • Shucking your corn
  • Slaking the bacon
  • Slamming the ham
  • Slamming the hammer
  • Slamming the salami
  • Slamming the salmon
  • Slamming the spam
  • Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
  • Slappin the purple headed yogurt pistol
  • Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
  • Slapping it
  • Slapping pappy
  • Slapping the carrot
  • Slapping the clown
  • Slapping the donkey
  • Slapping the FleshGopher
  • Slapping the pud
  • Slapping the salami
  • Slinging the jelly
  • Smacking the oompa loompa
  • Smacking the salami
  • Smacking the weasel
  • Smacking-off
  • Snapping one off
  • Snapping the carrot
  • Snapping the monkey
  • Snapping the rubber
  • Snapping the whip
  • Solo flight
  • Solo marathon
  • Solo sex
  • Spanking Cheetah
  • Spanking Elvis
  • Spanking Frank
  • Spanking the bishop
  • Spanking the monkey
  • Spanking the salami
  • Spanking the wank
  • Spit-polishing the purple helmet
  • Spunking
  • Squeezing the cheese
  • Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
  • Squeezing the juice
  • Squeezing the lemon
  • Squeezing the weasel
  • Squeezing your cheese-dog
  • Stinky pinky
  • Stirring the batter
  • Stirring the yogurt
  • Strainin' the main vein
  • Strangling the Serpent
  • Striking the pink match
  • Stroking it
  • Stroking off
  • Stroking the dog
  • Stroking the lizard
  • Stroking the mole
  • Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
  • Stroking the satin-headed serpent
  • Stroking the squirmin' German
  • Stroking the wiener
  • Stroking your poker
  • Stroking your twinkie
  • Taking a nap
  • Taking a shake break
  • Taking Herman to the circus
  • Taking matters into your own hands
  • Taking ol' one eye through the fly
  • Taking part in population control
  • Taking some time off
  • Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
  • Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
  • Talking quietly to yourself
  • Taming the shrew
  • Taunting the one-eyed weasel
  • Teasing the weasel
  • Teasing the weenie
  • Tenderizing the meat
  • Tenderizing the tube steak
  • Testicular tensile strength test
  • Testing the testicles
  • Testing your batteries
  • That crazy hand jive
  • The art of Unisex
  • The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
  • The five knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
  • The serta solo
  • Thrapping
  • Throwing
  • Throwing one
  • Thumping the pump
  • Ticklewigglejigglepickle
  • Tickling my fancy
  • Tickling the ivory
  • Tickling the one-eyed weasel
  • Tickling the pickle
  • Tonking
  • Torkin' the fork
  • Torturing the tentacle
  • Tossing off
  • Tossing the salad
  • Tossing the snag
  • Tossing the turkey
  • Tossing yogurt
  • Treating yourself right
  • Trouser snake CPR
  • Tugging the slug
  • Tugging the tapioca tube
  • Tuning my horn
  • Turning Japanese
  • Twanging the wire
  • Tweaking your twinkie
  • Twisting your crank
  • Twisting your tool
  • Unloading the gun
  • Using the Force on Darth Vader
  • Varnishing the flagpole
  • Violating the hedge-hog
  • Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
  • Wacking off
  • Wacking the one-eyed worm
  • Wacking the weasel
  • Wacking the willie
  • Waking the dead
  • Waking Wee Willie Wonka
  • Walking the dog
  • Walking the plank
  • Walking the snake
  • Waltzing with Willy
  • Wanking
  • Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
  • Washing the meat
  • Waving the Magic Wand
  • Waxing the car
  • Waxing the carrot
  • Waxing the dolphin
  • Waxing your surfboard
  • Whackin the weasel
  • Whacking it
  • Whacking off
  • Whacking Willy
  • Whipping off
  • Whipping the bishop
  • Whipping the dummy
  • Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
  • Whipping the rat
  • Whipping the stiff
  • Whipping the wire
  • Whipping up some sour cream
  • Whipping willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
  • Whipping your dripper
  • White-water wristing
  • Whittling the stick
  • Whizzing jism
  • Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
  • Wonking your conker
  • Wonking your donk
  • Workin' out a stiff joint
  • Working off
  • Working off a batch
  • Wrestling the eel
  • Wrestling the one-eyed monster
  • Wrestling the purple headed warrior
  • Wrestling with the bald champ
  • Wringing out your rope
  • Wrist aerobics
  • Yanking off
  • Yanking the crank
  • Yanking the yoyo
  • Yanking your plank
The Scene: Three young teenagers are huddled around a computer in their high school. On the screen is Altavista's Babelfish. They have just heard of it's infamous translation capabilities.

"Let's try... Spank the Monkey!" One of the three calls out. The other two giggle, just barely young enough to find that amusing. The one at the keyboard types it in. "What language?" He asks, getting bored of the french they had been doing before. The other two look at each other for a moment, and then blurt out , at the same time no less, "German!" The typer concurs, and does his stuff. Moments later it is there,

Flog the Drophammer

And that my friends, was that.




dem bones says

That's enough jerking off for today.



No more writeups here.


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