So for the past week, i have been absent from E2. Not that anyone has noticed, but i missed the community feeling i get sharing my internal thoughts with complete strangers. Unfortunatly for me, friends and people i know have been flocking to E2 like whitetails to car headlights. This is not to imply that they will be splattered all over the roadside but it certainly limits the depth of what i can write and share.

Tonight was the first night I got to see the girlfriend in just over a week. I was doing okay for the first few days, but after that i would have cried like a baby to have her with me. What can i say? There's nothing like knowing there is an unchanging person who will always be there when you need them.

On the down side, my room is a mess. i haven't slept at home for 3 days and i was away for 4 days just before that. i'll need to clean it up before going to Madison for college orientation. i hope somebody will host a nodecon for E2 members in WI.

Thought of the day: There is more evidence of the existence of UFO's than the existence of god, yet if you mention you believe in UFO's, your considered a raging mental case. Whereas if you believe in this man in the sky, you're going down the right path.

To come later: God in the Streetlight.

My first daylog for a while, as I've been feeling quite plain and blah lately. Being unemployed and terminally bored doesn't make for interesting noding, surprisingly enough.

But news has come of a job in Tamworth: not just any old job, but one for someone with a degree in JOURNALISM. At the local paper, starting "from the bottom up". Sounds tempting- no, not really. I'm torn, as I need a job, and it would give me xp in the real world, doing stuff I like. The paper is part of the Rural Press, a national company, and has room for advancement, which is good.

On the other hand, it's in Tamworth. The place I left in 1998, vowing to never go back. "Too small, too gossipy, too boring" I said as I motored off to my new life in Newcastle (now also too small, too gossipy and too boring). But I could live with my family during the week and visit my beautiful boy and my darling sister on the weekends.

I'll apply and see how it goes. My dramatic pros and cons list will probably be all for naught when a little high school kid (cheaper to employ) beats me for the position anyway...

I saw Josie and the Pussycats today. It was quite cute, and had a surprising anti-commercial message. And the pussycats- how gorgeous! Tara Reid, as Hollywood-fake (blonde, thin, under-dressed) as she is, is sex on a stick. I wish my hair would grow faster so I could be a little try-hard like all the teenyboppers.

Johnnie has left Big Brother. All the people left are boring- at the very least, Sara-Marie should be one of the last three; in fact, she should win. It was weird to see Johnnie go- everyone on the show was crying, and I have to admit it was sad to hear his good-bye video to Jemma. They've only been on for a few months, but they're getting under my skin. And what will we talk about when BB is over? It's the only topic everyone has an opinion on, and can occupy a lot of conversing time. Oh, the joy of social interaction.

I made a clock today. Well, put one together. Well, painted one, anyway. But I did put the hands on. That took talent. I painted the Japanese numbers on in glow in the dark paint, for that classy touch. Strangely, the clock comes without a stand and has to lean up against something, which is very sturdy and handy for a uni-student household with drunk people running around and playing. Oh no! Watch out for my $14 high quality clock!

I've started Infinite Jest and really like it so far (oh yes, all my 67 pages into it). Luckily I have a lot of time to fill...

SO.

get excited, kids, i'm BACK, a bit more world-weary than i was when i first popped onto this 'ere board many moons ago back in march 2000. last post, as far as I can tell, was back in April. which isn't too long, is it?. not really.

however, since this is a daylog I figure that I should actually share my DAY rather than reminisce about old times.

i spent the weekend alone.

all alone.

my roommate was gone, my girlfriend (who's living in another state) was busy (and being cross with me), my temporary friends were unreachable- i was alone.

alas.

so, i went to the pool, read two Nick Hornby books, got a bit of a sunburn, and thought a lot about my relationship.

and sorry, NO, i will not let you live vicariously through me discussing my relationship here.

so yes- it's weird writing into this little text entry box again. i don't know if it will take or not. i hope so- i actually miss you guys! or at least the dosage of humanity that e2 provides the net with. i'm like a person coming back to AA after a year spent drinking like mad: a bit sheepish, a bit scared, a bit creeped out. so... hi e2. nice to see you again.

now what's up with this racist Cool Man Eddie character? what's next.... giving him some watermelon??

time for a little ramble rant...

I used to have a friend, who when times weren't all that great, and asked how things were going, would simpy reply, "kinda rough right thru here." Well, that's where I'm at..the times they are a changin'..all the time..

Last week I had an annual review at work, and it was then that I decided I need a new job..all good things must come to an end, and this hasn't been good in awhile. So I fervently started looking...found some good leads, made some calls..

And then today at work, I get a random drug test..Well, that just screws everything up...I mean it's been 35 days since I had a toke..so I should be ok..but with the way the stars are lining up...and pluto and mars and everthing's not all right..I mean are they gonna fire me before I have a chance to quit...that's just wrong.

So another friend always greets me with," Crazy ain't it?," and well I guess it is...So thanks for the time and space and for letting me rant on a Monday afternoon..

It was a nice, mild day today, though most Arizonans probably thought the weather was crap. (Only 81 degrees out!) There was actually some moisture in the air today, what's more.

Monsoon season is probably on the way. Good. I like rain. I'm homesick for Seattle, for christ's sake.

Today was my e-friend loffen's 21st birthday, and he was feeling crappy and depressed over there in Norway, but I sent him a card from TheSpark.com and it looks like it cheered him up. Good.

There's this reasonably attractive girl who lives in our apartment complex and just gives me this odd look whenever she walks past. I'm usually outside smoking a cigarette without a shirt on, so maybe she doesn't like smokers, or maybe it's the fact that I have a keg instead of a six-pack that disgusts her so.

On Thursday, a large sum of money will become available to me, (fucking bank!) and I am comparing different digital cameras and looking at VAIO notebooks. No offense, Cybergoat, but personally the FX-290 is The sexiest laptop in the world as far as I'm concerned. :)

I learned today that it's a bad idea to end a conversation with your parents about how far in debt you are by mentioning that human beings are worth more for parts than whole, and that there are more than a few rich American couples who pay tens of thousands of dollars for healthy white infants.

In poor taste? You betcha. But they knew I was kidding.

Therapy today sucked. Is there no end to all of this grief, sadness, bile - guilt? I feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel like I didn't protect my children when they were growing up from - well, their father, basically. I didn't keep them safe from all harm. I didn't have enough money. I know I need to write about this, this is just too much right now, and I will. I'm going to take an inventory and write a history of what actually, really happened and when it happened so I can take an objective look at our lives back then up to now.

I know feeling this guilty won't make things better for them, or change a damn thing about what happened. It only makes me feel bad, it doesn't do anything for them. I just cried and cried in therapy, felt this huge stone of grief in my chest just weighing me down, pressing me down. I love my daughter and son so much more than anyone else, there is just no comparison to other loves in my life. I know that I would literally die for either one if it would save their life. So I know having this enormous guilt just hurts me and no one else. My next big task in therapy to tackle, I think.

My realization that I'm that way is what made me realize how much guilt I'm carrying around. Because now I feel that because I am bi I am a bad mom. Period. And I know that my sexual preference has nothing to do with being a bad mom. How I choose to act or react about it might, but my actual sexual preference does not. So get over it Jamie!

Worst day of my life so far

I haven't written a daylog in a while. My life has been in limbo, so there hasn't been much to say. My work has been laying people off left and right and I had been spending the past few weeks wondering if the girl I love will ever start to love me back.

Well today that is over. She wrote me a letter telling me directly and frankly that she was in love with someone else. While I appreciated her honesty, and while it finally gives me closure, I relived all of the horror and hell over again of the day she said she just wanted to slow things down and just be friends.

What's bad is she sent me this letter by email, and I read it on my palm pilot just as I got to the parking lot at work. TC (co-worker and awesome friend) took me aside and talked to me and calmed me down. I never trembled so much before. In the beginning, it didn't seem as bad as the first time. Later on it got much worse. I took the day off from work and went home.

I got drunk for the first time in my life. It was great, but it didn't last long. I actually was happy for what seemed like the first time in weeks. I couldn't shut up... I just kept talking. Then I woke up and I was back in hell again. I couldn't breathe. I paced back and forth. I couldn't stand anything. I wanted to break stuff.

I'm so tired of this. Can anything be worth this? At least it's over and it can't happen again anytime soon. I passed out and left all of it for further thought tomorrow.

dawn, fez. it is best i think when approached from behind. or perhaps there is no way to approach it because it is always approaching you, and then gone before you are oriented.

i'm drinking the tea you sent and typing madly on work, bits and pieces work, sort of busywork, but for good people, and paid. i guess that makes it more legitimate so i keep mentioning it to hear how it sounds. i've had to get used to admitting that the job i have, the job i love, is unpaid (and so - what? unreal? play? no). but legitimacy is a milkweed currency. poof. i like what i like and i like what i do.

twas hot for the last couple of days but then all of a sudden (the eve my bed was empty again) the rain broke it up and now it's got a nice cool almost chill. sound carries wonderfully. i should go outside, but no, i should work. there are so many shoulds, it's hard to trace where they come from.

the photos came today, five envelopes of journey: east to Joseph; across flat & rocky states; sunday morning in Columbus; Pennsylvania and grandparents; New York and mental hospital. there really isn't anyone to show them to. i'll save them for the next noder i see, and hope they care to see my friends, my precious friends. i can page through and show miciah the three pictures with andy in them, the several with megan. nothing else is relevant to her. but here in my hand i can hold a talisman of "back over there" and "dear lovely those" and smile at them like through a one-way glass. you're full to overflowing when you're there. and back? scrambling to find toeholds. wanting to look behind but not lose grip.

someone tried to tell me the other day that green jones soda tastes like green apples. i disagree. let that be known.

apparently freegeeks missed me. now i have to pick up the pieces.

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