WARNING! SPOILERS ARE COMING TO TOWN! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!Title:
"Merry Christmas, Justice League--NOW DIE!"Release Date:
January 2002Writer: Mark WaidPenciller: Cliff RathburnInker: Paul NearyJLA Members: Plastic Man
, Wonder Woman
, Green Lantern
, the Flash
, the Martian Manhunter
... and Santa Claus
.Guest Stars: Woozy Winks
, Wanda Winks
, and Weezer Winks
.Bad Guys: Neron
.Cameos: Mrs. Claus
and the Time Commander
.So what happens?
Hrm. Mark Waid's back for one more issue. I guess I'll let it slide this time, since it's a pretty decent story.
Plastic Man is visiting his old pal Woozy Winks
, who is helping his sister Wanda decorate for Christmas
and watch over her son Weezer. Weezer is a handful
, so Plas volunteers to tuck the kid in so his mom and uncle can put his new bicycle
together. Plas tells Weezer that he better get into bed, because Santa Claus doesn't come to visit until the kids are asleep
, but Weezer scoffs, claiming that Santa is made up and dumb and boring and only for little kid
s. Plas reveals the shocking
fact that Santa Claus is a JLA member! Weezer is disbelieving, but Plastic Man obligingly relates the story...
Spurred by good old-fashioned Christmas spirit
, the Justice League elects Santa as their newest member, but are horrified when a demonic
little gingerbread man
appears before them and announces tons of bad news--Santa's workshop
has laid off scads of elves, naughty
children are outnumbering nice
children, and Neron, the ruler of Hell
, has been giving kids cool toy
s in exchange for having them do evil things! So Santa headed for the Gate to Hell (conveniently located in New Jersey
) to lay some whup-ass
on Neron and his evil imp
s. But Neron has been trading toys for children's youthful
energy and using that enthusiasm to power Hell, making him strong enough to easily imprison Kris Kringle
Is the JLA going to stand for that? NO FREAKIN' WAY! They charge down to Hell and start kicking demonic tail until they discover Santa, imprisoned in the bubble-pack of a giant action figure
package! However, while they're working to free St. Nick
, Neron turns them all into...COAL
! And then he stuffs them into his Christmas stocking
! ('cause, see, Neron's been a bad boy, and bad boys get coal in their stocking. Hell, don't blame me, Plastic Man's telling this story.)
Luckily, the Justice League had weakened Santa's prison enough that he was able to escape using his Heat Vision
! (I'd like to know what Plastic Man smokes) Santa battles the minions of Hell, but he's just one old fat man
with Heat Vision--he gets overwhelmed by superior numbers. But Santa has a plan--he gives Neron a wrapped present
ing for what he wants, so getting a gift
, given freely and with no strings attached
, tends to knock him flat on his ass. But the kicker is what Santa has given the Lord of Hell: socks
! Utterly defeated, Neron explodes. Santa magics the Justice League back to normal, everyone celebrates Santa's membership in the League aboard the Watchtower, and all is right with the world, amen!
Weezer is not, however, particularly amused by the story
. He still doesn't believe
in Santa Claus, and he certainly doesn't believe that Plas is any good at telling stories. But then Plas and Weezer both see Santa Claus fly past the window and use his Heat Vision
to burn "Merry Christmas
" into a snowbank. Weezer immediately believes in the truth of Plastic Man's story and in the existence
of Santa; Plastic Man, knowing very well how full of bulldada
he is, feels very puzzled.
is revealed outside: Plastic Man accidentally left his JLA signal device on, and Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter heard all of Plas' story while they were capturing a supervillain
. The Manhunter shapeshifted himself into Santa as a prank
And as J'onn and GL fly off, a bearded figure in red, with a small herd of reindeer
at his side, watches bemusedly. "Heat Vision?" he scoffs. "The imagination
of some people..."Cool Moments!
The whole thing was plenty funny
and pleasantly Christmasy
, too--holiday comics
rarely work properly, but this one was dandy
. Oh, and the socks and underwear gag was gold
Weezer: "Was Batman there?"
Plastic Man: "Yes."
Weezer: "I like Batman."
Plastic Man: "Yes. We all love
Batman."Back | Index | Forward