Yes, I always knew it would get complicated
. It always was, and I cannot plot all of its intricacies at once, and it seems to grow like a crystal under a microscope
. So complicated that I cannot really see it all from the inside.
I see my jealousy that I have no right to have. I see you reaching to make yourself happy. I need to push you from behind. Not grab at your ankles and pull.
I see all of the things that keep me from you, my attachments, My bad habits. My need to protect others. I see the things that you need that I cannot supply. Those same needs that made you see me.
I do not care if it is difficult and complicated. That is how I think I make it worse in the end. I will simutaneously try to continue along the the same course, while trying to divert you. Even though the same mind that admits it does not understand what is going on, tells me that I should leave you alone, for your own sake.