the city skin is something i am not used to, the chemical feeling of it all. the late night, lights scattered - it was a way to find it all again, to find the feelings that are wrapped inside-around all of this. it is a trap, clear - unavoidable, failing any sort of reason you will find yourself here again. the signs around this place are screaming at me, sometimes you need to leave. the futuresque sci-fi movie is becoming our truth, and everyone is trying to decide who is right and who is wrong and there is no more sometimes. there is no more sometimes, no one is right. we are trapping ourselves inside of these rules and these reasons.. there will always be a reason, if you want there to be. and i do believe one day we will be tied to oxygen tanks, those of us who survive. this is one of the few things i find myself truly believing.

lately, i forget most of you, or i try to. i sit here waiting for rain and i am not sad. this pessimism that rules me feels more a realization, an acceptance and it leaves me content and as things tend to go, i'd consider this calm. perhaps because there is a feeling that swells in your throat when you say calm really say it, a feeling that means it is as real as you'd like anything to be. the way my head surrounds itself when i know i am wishing again. when i am waiting again, for the sadness and the torrents of everything that i couldn't feel before.. the way that i stare at myself in a mirror and know it is coming.

few things are like hot tears, like exhausted breaking ruined tears that only come at the end of a day filled with city skin and thick gaussian this day like living in a waterless ocean air.

in a film there are people, and their lives seem so extraordinary, so enthralling and so unreal and well, they are only lives. they are only everything you will do, everything everyone you know will do, with all of the sitting and thinking, all of the tired summer days, removed or shortened into a collage of floating images fading in and out but oh.. those are the most important. these are the days that shape you, the days that find you.

for me it is hard to sit here and watch my fingers and know them as my own.. know them as anything other than the creature that exists inside of me. i'll pause and wonder why it chooses these times..

lately, i remember some of you so strongly, a few words and my head is swirling with how much i love you. how much your existence is to me. i do not believe that i do not believe in god, only these times when i whisper inaudibly and wish myself so tiny. when there is sense, and i am so tiny in this world, because you'll forget, standing tall and living above your heart. i love this shrinking, this feeling. i love you.

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