Sung to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General from Pirates of Penzance:

VEGETARIAN:

I am the very model of a modern Vegetarian,
I digest only vegetable, so I'm humanitarian,
I know in western culture this technique is not historical,
Many of my peers consider this diet to be radical;
Or that the leather making up my shoes is hypocritical,
But I believe the notion is in essence diacritical,
I keep up with child labor stories appearing on the headline news,
And so I feel content on wearing cow skin as my running shoes.


ALL:

And so he feels content on wearing cow skin as his running shoes.
And so he feels content on wearing cow skin as his running shoes.
And so he feels content on wearing cow skin as his running shoes.


VEGETARIAN:

Eggs and cheese and butter are all things that I put on my plate;
This sustenance does not require the farmer to assassinate:
In short, I won't eat flesh because it is humanitarian,
I am the very model of a modern Vegetarian.


ALL:

In short, he won't eat flesh because it is humanitarian,
He is the very model of a modern Vegetarian.


VEGETARIAN:

Although our sharp incisors are an omnivorous solution,
I believe that conscious choices have persuaded evolution,
Animals migrating from peptic sources in corrosion,
Led to the boom we've come to call the Cambrian Explosion.
A billion years of neuro-ontogenesis foolhardihood,
We're still gnawing on the animals right there in our neighborhood,
But now the cortex that stood upright for Australopithecus,
Can now detect and warn ourselves about the lard in licorice.

ALL:

Can now detect and warn ourselves about the lard in licorice.
Can now detect and warn ourselves about the lard in licorice.
Can now detect and warn ourselves about the lard in licorice.


VEGETARIAN:

Although to reincarnation I'm not inclined to agglutinate,
I do agree with Hindus who refuse to eat the vertebrates,
In short, I won't eat flesh because it is humanitarian,
I am the very model of a modern Vegetarian.


ALL:

In short, he won't eat flesh because it is humanitarian,
He is the very model of a modern Vegetarian.


VEGETARIAN:

I live for nuts and fruits like the cashew and the tangerine,
I’m open to try anything from pasta to soy-based cuisine,
There’s food other than vegetables like fungus or a rare legume,
These choices are all healthier and less likely to imposthume.
I’ve tried the most exotic dish from New Orleans to Nairobi
The Indians are on the ball with curry spiced aloo gobi,
So if you come suggesting that I munch on some intestine,
Please remember I don’t eat meat so kindly don’t offer next time.


ALL:

Please remember he doesn’t eat meat so kindly don’t offer next time.
Please remember he doesn’t eat meat so kindly don’t offer next time.
Please remember he doesn’t eat meat so kindly don’t offer next time.


VEGETARIAN:

And when my friends decide to bake the cousin of an antelope,
I tell them that I’ll be just fine with tofu bits and cantaloupe.
In short, I won't eat flesh because it is humanitarian,
I am the very model of a modern Vegetarian.


ALL:

In short, he won't eat flesh because it is humanitarian,
He is the very model of a modern Vegetarian.

-me


requires fairly strict adherence to syllables during cantation

many thanks to dictionary.com and rhymezone.com

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