Sung to the tune of I am the Very Model Of a Modern Major General - an original work for your enjoyment

GENERAL:
We can fight infowar proclaimed the US Major general,
We've taken our powerpoint presentations to the trivial
We know the hackers' locations both virtual and physical
And thus we can employ our fav'rite Tomahawk airdroppable;
And if we miss then that's OK we'll send B2s invisible
With GPS and laser-guided bombs and missiles plentiful!
Those dirty Russian crackers won't shut down our Pentagon pr0n sites
We'll hire black hat crews to make sure we win all the online fights!

ALL:
We'll hire black hat crews to make sure we win all the online fights.
We'll hire black hat crews to make sure we win all the online fights.
We'll hire black hat crews to make sure we win all the online fights.

GENERAL:
We're very good at bombing things from high up in the dark of night,
We know where all your forces are and what they had for chow tonight;
In short, for targets dug in well and hidden from view aerial
we'll just trot out our B-5-2's and make your life a living hell!

ALL:
In short, in targets dug in well and hidden from view aerial
we'll just trot out our B-5-2's and make your life a living hell!

GENERAL:
We know quite well that NMD won't work no matter what we do
We've cheated all the tests and when the bill comes in we'll cheat you too!
Our subs were built to fight Cold Wars but now we want them bellied up
in shallow waters close to shore, the playground of the diesel sub;
We don't need troops to win a war why that's what Douhet said to us
We just need planes to level towns and all our foes will then give up!
Who cares if that idea was proven not to be true in the norm
In all the wars that we have fought from Vietnam to Desert Storm?

ALL:
In all the wars that we have fought from Vietnam to Desert Storm.
In all the wars that we have fought from Vietnam to Desert Storm.
In all the wars that we have fought from Vietnam to Desert Storm!

GENERAL:
Then you'll agree that what we need has got to be an RMA
To leverage our infotech and to emphasize the PLA.
Because China's got so many folks they must be the big threat today,
despite the fact that in real life their troops cannot afford to train.

ALL:
Because China's got so many folks they must be the threat today
despite the fact that in real life their troops cannot afford to train.

GENERAL:
In fact, they'd be hard pressed to take Taiwan by force land air and sea
and that's across but eighty miles of the Taiwan Straits you see.
Their planes are mostly Soviet designs from thirty years ago
but that's okay we need a threat to help our defense budget grow!
Who cares if this means that we all end up in another Cold War
It's business as usual and that means that we must have more!
In short, despite the fall of certain Eastern Bloc adversaries
Our military spending's more than the richest ten states can squeeze!

ALL:
Our military spending's more than the richest ten states can squeeze!
Our military spending's more than the richest ten states can squeeze!
Our military spending's more than the richest ten states can squeeze!

GENERAL:
For though our stated purpose is to defend and to protect these
United States from harm we seem to defend yuppies' SUVs
But still, in matters mili'try no matter where on Earth you are
The US can come out to play with guns and tanks in your backyard!

ALL:
But still, in matters mili'try no matter where on Earth you are
The US can come out to play with guns and tanks in your backyard!


Whew. Original. I swear. The Custodian, 8/30/2000!

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