I am so goddam old. I don't know how that happened, but it did. Sensei once /msg'ed me that stuff changes so much that the only stuff is change. Yesterday I was seven years old. Today I'm forty-eight. Whaaaaaat? Oh well. Shit happens. So now I am taking estrogen pills because my biochemistry is flopping like a hooked fish on a dock. Menopause. The pause that refreshes. The problem is that estrogen doesn't still the flopping and put the fish into calm. It just makes the flopping happen in a different rhythm. Hopefully one that will eventually be consistent. Like a mambo maybe. But right now, well.... Emotions burl up like nettles in the socks of my mind. Thoughts come and go of paranoia, depression, elation, hopelessness, and giddy nonsense. Wheeeee! Ack! My point? I'm not sure. I don't know why I'm noding this. Except it's true of what I am experiencing right now and I think it has to do with this:

What kind of biochemical soup are thoughts and feelings boiling up from? I don't take this stuff too seriously. I hope you don't either. The soup is sometimes like this, or like that, based on whatever chemical ingredients are arranged like this or that. As an old lady, getting older (tomorrow I'll probably be seventy-three or something), here's a lecture you don't want to hear.

You're eighteen and in love? Okay. But wait a minute before you do this or say that. You're all hopped up on Mountain Dew and coffee and you are going to tell your friend just how little you give a shit about their problems? Wait just a minute. You haven't eaten since you've gotten out of bed and you're driving home from work and some bastard cut you off in traffic and you've given up on going home and are trailing their car in a strange neighbourhood? Um. Pull over. (I did this once when I was pregnant and all hopped up on baby chemicals.)

So stir the soup, let it settle. Serve it with care.

Hang in there. I'm working on getting that bachelors and getting into that grad program so I can someday help understand why human beings age. Hang in there. The human genome is well on its way to being fully sequenced. Hang in there. Aging has to have a big genetic component because each species ages at its own rate. Hang in there. Recently, they've knocked out a gene in worm called Caenorhibdis Elegans, making it age at half the normal rate. Far cry from a person, but gotta start small. Hang in there. People my age romanticize and idealize aging, but I did my own informal anonymous little phone survey once, and guess what? Lots of people would like to be my age again and stay that way. Hang in there. My parents are aging, nevermind my parents, people I actually like are aging, so speed is of the essence. I'm working as fast as I can. Hopefully I'm not the only one. Hang in there. I hope saying hang in there doesn't sound patronizing. This is what I really think. It the one most cherished belief this agnostic has. Hang in there. If there's anything our times have taught us, it's that the first step to making something possible to to believe that it's possible. Hang in there. Joke about being an old lady all you want, but don't start believing it. Remain active, keep trying new things, maintain a positive outlook. The fact that you're here implies that you already are. Some very interesting things are on the verge of happening. Hang in there.

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