He said 'tentacle porn', so I stuck my dick in a toaster and went from there. Helen Mirren came in and started reading from a Clive Cussler novel, and by now I was having serious doubts about my abilities to emulate the octupi's performance. Besides my dick was getting real hot.

I flipped the lever on the toaster up, but that did not have the desired effect. I winced in pain and then realized the camera crew was still shooting. "Ooh baby," I said to the toaster with no real passion.

"Cut!" I heard the director say, "Print that and get me the squid for the next scene."

I smile. I like squids. It's times like these that I realize that being a tentacle porn star is A-OK.

...is all I managed to read off the fluffy beach towel as it was flung towards my head. I dragged the terry cloth shroud from my noggin and peered from between its folds at the person standing before me in the darkening evening light.

I stared at her in amazement. It's not every day that a 22 year-old woman dressed in a Girl Scout uniform and holding a plastic bag of live goldfish shows up on my doorstep and hurls a non sequitur like that in my face.

Thinking quickly, I dug a Sharpie marker out of my back pocket, uncapped it with my teeth and began to write furiously on the blank side of the towel. Her beautiful face took on an expression of bemusement, and a tiny smile quirked one corner of her mouth.

I finished my scrawling, recapped the pen, and tossed the towel back at her smartly. As the pale blue fabric enveloped her head with a soft whump, I realized that I should have let the ink dry before returning it to her. My worst fears were realized when she removed the towel.

Astonishingly, several words had been inked onto her flawless skin...backwards of course, but readable with stunning clarity. They read:

.won esaelp ouy knahT .spaceenk detacirbul ym kciL . ybab eulg eht sekorts yeknoM

I bowed politely to her, took the bag of swimmy fish from her hand without a struggle and closed the door.

As I began to sing a little fish-calming lullaby, I reflected on the unusual confluence of words which had ended up on my surprised visitor's face. The bit about the kneecaps was an unusual element I didn't remember writing, but on the whole I felt good about the results of my hasty efforts.

Juggling the fish with some dexterity, I headed for bed, my evening's calm blown all to flinders.

“…and anyway, our sex life sucks, we barely spend time together anymore. I think she even might be cheating on me.”

That’s how I finished explaining the problems with my relationship with Kate. My best friend, Mike, sat on the other side of the basement games room, with his feet on the chair, and his butt on the games table. I neglected to point out he was sitting on my lucky dice. He shook his beer can, testing for how much was still left, nodded his head slowly and sagely.

I knew Mike better than that. Whatever he said next, he’d be speaking out of his ass.

Tentacle Hentai.”

“Tentacle Hentai?”

Now, Mike was the biggest pervert you’d ever meet. He was the biggest pervert I’d ever met, and I work part time in a Dildo store. When it came to Tentacle Hentai, Mike knew what he was talking about. Mike spent thirty bucks a month to airfreight in hentai manga from Japan the day they were released. When Mike went over to Japan, he spent two large just on illustrations of schoolgirls being raped by demons or aliens or whatever they were. With his girlfriend next to him.

She wasn’t impressed.

“Yeah, tentacle hentai. It’s what all the chicks want nowadays.”

“No, it’s what you want nowadays. In fact, it’s what you’ve wanted since you were thirteen years old. I’m not giving drawings of girls being raped to my girlfriend.”

“No, you don’t get it. You know how all the girls in Tentacle Hentai look like they hate it at first?”

“Yes, I know that very well. It’s some weird Japanese Bondage fetish, I gather, and it isn’t arousing. In any way.”

“No, hear me out. After a few pages, they start to like it, right?”

“Yeah, it’s some weird fantasy invented by a male porn producer who spends his days jerking off to hardcore on the train in front of everyone, gets arrested, then writes the fine off as a tax deduction since it was research for work.”

“Whatever dude, you’re the one who wanted help.”

“Fine, I’m listening.”

“See, it’s this deep fetish that’s left over from when humans evolved from Squid.”

“We evolved from apes, not squid.”

“No, way before that, like when we were single celled squid.”

“When we were single celled squid, we didn’t HAVE sex”

“Yeah, well, I say all women have a fetish for tentacles.”

“Fine. Whatever. Mike, you’ve outdone yourself. I’ve heard some ridiculous things out of your mouth, but that is the most fucking ridiculous theory you’ve ever said, and I sat through your two hour plan to take over the world by feeding cockroaches beer until they mutate and grow giant.”

“Don’t forget spraypainting them to make them bullet proof. In bright colours to put people off guard.”

***

It was three days later. Kate was coming around to my place that night, hopefully for some 'special time'. I was drunk. Really drunk. I may have been stoned, but since I always use the same bong, I can’t tell, the way I can by the empty stubbies.

Anyway, I was sure by this time Kate was cheating on me, but I wanted to win her back. I was starting to take in what Mike had said. He did get laid more often than me, after all. The real question was how to turn my member into a tentacle.

Ok, genetic engineering was out. I don’t have the mathematical skill for ordinary engineering. I could try some kind of graft, but I didn’t have anaesthetic, or the skill to stich up nerves, meaning the new member would have neither feeling nor erectile capability. No good at all. Nope, I needed to work with what I had. I needed to adapt my current equipment. In the background, repeats of The Six Million Dollar Man blared. “We Can Rebuild Him.”

I heard a car pull up in my driveway. Shit, no time left. If I didn’t impress her tonight, it would never work. Ok, Improvise. I was always good at improvising.

You know how when you’re drunk, you have really bad ideas, but they sound really good?

I took a swig of straight scotch, to numb the pain, and went for it. The Toaster! Actually, it was the first thing in sight. The switch went on, the heat started to go up. I like my toast light, but this job needed power, so I turned the knob all the way up.

Nothing really hurts like having your Peter burnt, I can say that much from experience. After about a minute, the alcohol delaying the time until I actually felt the pain, I withdrew, as I heard a knock on the door.

“OH FUCK! Fucking fucker! It’s open! Ah, Fuck that hurts!”

Kate helped herself in, only to be confronted by the image of a tall and hairy man, wearing no pants, dancing around swearing, with a horribly, horribly deformed member. My improvisation worked pretty well, actually. A tentacle in hentai is basically a penis with less tapering and no details or hole. The flesh, at least, had burnt to the point it all looked the same.

Kate grabbed some ice and speedily drove me to the hospital. In the emergency room, where I fronted up with no pants, clutching a frozen side of beef to my nether regions, the doctor asked me what my complaint was. There was only one thing to tell him.

“He said “Tentacle Porn” so I stuck my dick in a toaster, and went from there.”

"Cherry Sakura, I presume?"

"Oh my god! Rod?!? It is so neat to finally meet you!"

"Thanks. This looks like a fun group."

"Greg does a great shoot. Have you met him?"

"Not yet. I was hired on by ... Kerry? Kelly?"

"Yeah! Our own little mobster!" (laughs) "Well, you'll love Greg, he's a sweetheart."

"What's he like?"

"Did you ever see Waiting for Guffman?"

"Ye-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s ... says he with fear in his voice." (grins)

"Imagine if Corky really had as much talent as everyone seemed to think he did."

(laughing) "Okay. Hard to imagine! I should probably get to know his work."

"Oh! See Caribbean Cherry. Starring me! It was the greatest shoot. We spent two weeks on a little island called Grand Turk. It was totally a little slice of paradise."

"Waitaminute! He does location shoots?"

"Totally. It was great. I mean, it wasn't, like, movie star treatment, but it was so cool. And my husband got to go. We went snorkeling. The water was like glass."

"You guys had a two week shoot? I’ve never even heard of a two week shoot in the adult film business. For me, they would have just put up a poster of the beach and said 'pretend!'"

"I swear, he’s gonna be the Kurosawa of the porno industry. He’s really that good."

"So what is this that wardrobe has you in? I thought you were, like, a school girl ... or a ... sailor?"

"It's a school uniform. Like girls in Japan wear."

"Oh! Right right right! Like in The Grudge."

"And how about your monster suit? Pretty cool!"

"I feel a bit of a dork! I have to look like the world's most obscene Teletubby!"

(laughs) "But it is so cool! Like Beauty and the Beast ... only, like, the H. P. Lovecraft version."

(laughing) "Good God, that's sick! I read the Call of hock-PTUI-loo-loo years ago!"

(laughs) "Oh my God! They have a role-playing game from it now. My husband and I have a group over on Wednesday nights if you ever wanna ... oh, it's Greg. Hi Greg!" (waves)

"Well helLO you two! Andrew, I see you've met Kim."

"We did, but I guess we never got around to names."

(takes each actor by a shoulder) "Silly girl! Andrew Anderson, meet Kim McDowell nee Leong."

(shakes hands) "Great to meet you Kim."

"Oh me too! I thought you were so good in that pioneer thing."

"My god Andrew, I almost cried. Wagons Ho's should win every award, I'm serious. It was that good. How you took such a ... well, let's just say it could have been a terrible role. SHOULD have been a terrible role."

"Oh the director did not care a bit whatever we did."

"Dash Rasor? Oh PLEASE! He is such a hack!"

"Oh, I know, he was all like 'You don't need character, people are here to see...'" (thrusts hips and makes parody music) "Chukka-buccka-wow-waaahow!"

(all laugh)

"Oh GOD girlfriend, that is what I've heard about him. It's why his movies are so dreadful. So, I've never met him in person, give me a sketch."

"Okay, do you two watch the Simpsons?"

(both nod)

"Okay, imagine if Ned Flanders was trying to be all macho."

"Ewww ... too horrible. Depressing!"

"And his real name..."

(unison) "Yes?"

"Elmer Van Winkle. I kid you not at all!"

(all laugh)

"Alls I know is that blog you wrote while on the set." (kisses fingertips) "Mwah! Wonderful! Hilarious! You put in such a sensitive performance."

"Well, thanks. Say, I had a few questions about this script."

"Anything, that's what I'm here for! Also, I thought we could go over the fight while we're all together."

"Seriously professional, Greg."

"Well, I’m not Elmer Twinklebottom!" (laughs) "I want this to be as close to art as I can get!"

"I’m pretty impressed. And the producer lets you..."

"Oh, Kerry? He's the easiest producer I've ever worked with. Couldn't care what we are making, as long as we make money for his mob guys. He's been our producer on so many projects little Kimmie and I've worked on: Hot Hot Nights, Totally Cherry, Texas Hold Em, Caribbean Cherry...

"So, any scary stories? He ever make you an offer you couldn’t refuse??"

"Be serious Andrew! It is strictly business to these guys. We won't even see him. We make money, he applauds and takes us out to a fancy restaurant with our spouses. We lose money they write it off and they are like 'Better luck next time.' But we never lose money, so I don't even worry about that. We'll deal with Eleanor, the accountant. You’ll love her. Little old Hispanic grandma. About this tall—little tiny thing...so sweet. Very dyke-y, very kindly. You’ll love her."

"You know, I’m starting to think I am seriously outclassed here." (smiles)

"Andrew Anderson! We will have none of that sort of talk. Put those blue meanies in this bag!" (Pantomimes zipping up a bag and throwing it over his shoulder) "Why, when I met little Cherry Sakura here, she couldn’t even act!"

"For real?"

"Oh, it’s true! I was a dancer. I'm Greg’s biggest success story."

"Well, you and Emma. What name is she going by these days?"

"Hootie McBoob, last I heard."

"Oh, Emma is such a sweetie. Shy as a little kitten. Just like 'Hello ... I’m here to work. Let’s go...'" (laughs) "So where does that leave us? Blue meanies tucked safely away, and the script! That's right! It is kind of a weird script."

"I think it's brilliant. Weird, but brilliant. His husband wrote it."

"He has been on this utter and complete Thomas Pyncheon thing lately. Don't know what his deal is!" (a pause) "It's not too weird is it?"

"I don't think so. I enjoyed the Crying of Lot 49 but, you know what, it is a LOT like that."

"Oh, I'll tell him, he'll be so proud."

"But, I don't quite get it. I'm this big, tentacled alien, who falls in love with a Japanese schoolgirl."

"It's a total send-up of Japanese ah-NEE-MAY, you know, tentacle porn."

"Tentacle porn?"

"You know, some ugly monster comes down and grabs a cute little girl with his slimy tentacles and ... well, some if it gets pretty strange."

"Seriously?"

"Totally! Andrew, you didn't know about this?"

"Oh the geeks TOTALLY love it! Only, instead of big monster rogers cute girl and she likes it—we turn it upside down. Big monster tries, she fights him, she beats him, he falls in love with her. Actually..." (sighs) "...I wanted to do a Shakespeare parody, some kind of a Midsummer Night's Dream or Tempest parody, but NO! Clyde had to have his Pyncheon thing. And our producers wanted Beauty and the Beast."

"Oh I totally called that, Greg! You know. I totally love the Bard. We should do a Shakespeare sometime.

"Of course!"

"All I can say for certain is that I must have not seen much Japanese cartoons. I mean, like Speed Racer, and my wife watches this ... InuYaksha show or something."

"Oh YES! Strictly family stuff, but you know, in Japan, that tentacle porn stuff is big business."

"Okay, so in this scene, I come into her kitchen, grab her and we fight. She beats the crap out of me." (a brief pause) "Okay, then she falls in love with me and in the next scene, she's kissing it better all over my body. I think I don't get it."

"Oh sure. I told Clyde how obscure this was. See, he has this idea of ... like Genghis Khan from space. You know: 'Hello Marcus Aurelius, I am here to conquer you. Only if you can defeat me in combat will I respect you.' Like that. She beats you and you are like 'I love you.'"

"Okay, maybe that's not so obscure. So, what are we doing with this fight?"

"Think Buster Keaton, I want to make it very slapstick. See, you spy her tiny little hiney in her white cotton panties and you go 'Ooh boy! I'd like to get me some of that!'"

"And she whacks me with a rock?"

"You know, Greg, I don't quite get that either. Why does my character have a rock in the kitchen."

"Oh, I don't know, it's a souvenir of a trip, or maybe a paperweight."

"Maybe I'm really into crystals."

"Okay ... but...what if we had --- like, a skillet hanging over the range there. She could line up and --- PANG!!!! Right in the head."

"Okay, okay, how's about I grab TWO pans!" (pantomimes swinging at Andrew) "THOK! DOCK! POCK!"

"Oh yes ... Love it ... very Stooges!"

"So then Kim goes for the coop de grassy with ..." (looking around) "Kim, grab that toaster..." (a pause) "Oooh ... oh. I have a thought."

"Yes?"

"Oh GOD! What is in your deviant little mind?"

"Okay, she grabs the toaster—here hold it with the slot vertical ... what might a horny space monster think about THAT?"

"Oh you wicked boy!" (laughs uncontrollably) "You really ARE sick!"

"I totally love that, Andrew!"

"God. It's wonderful Andrew. O-o-o-o-h Derek!!!"

(running up) "Yeah boss?"

"Okay. We'll need two toasters. Doesn't matter if they work or not, but they have to be identical. Or enough so that they will look the same on camera."

"Easy."

"We'll need to hollow one out and put ... oh, some kind of appliance in it so that Mr. Hardman here can hump it convincingly."

"Sure thing boss!" (looks at the actors) "Ain't the strangest thing he ever axed me to do."

"I'm sure! Now scoot! Go!"

"Okay, so he's humping my toaster..." (giggles) "...maybe I could put it down here, like I'm thinking maybe he's not so bad afterall.

"Do that. Get in position. I want to see ... Oh! That's good! He's so tall, we can get all artsy with the composition on that shot." (long pause) "Oh! What if it's still plugged IN?!"

(much laughter)

"And it..." (laughs) "...shocks..." (gasps for breath) "...your tool!"

(much laughing)

"Okay ... okay...so ZAP! Our monster flies across the room, we get our computer nerds to put in a lightning effect and we cut to you, laying there, crank smoking..."

"And that's when I look up at Kim and say 'I love you.'"

"Oh! Or we could sneak something in from Shakespeare! Greg, do you think that would be okay!"

"Of course...Like what?"

(pauses)"Okay, I'm sitting in a corner, smoke pouring from my lap, and I look meaningfully up at 'Cherry' and go like 'You are the stuff DREAMS are made of.'"

"Yes! Love it! But made on, dear."

"Better still!"

"Greg, Clyde isn't going to mind how we've changed his script will he?"

"Frankly dear Kimmy, I don't give a damn! Okay, if you two want to get a soda. Or there are some sandwiches in the kitchen. It'll probably take an hour or so to fix up the toaster, set up the lights and then ... rehearse and roll em!

"I'm totally psyched about this project."

"Yeah, this is going to be good. I don't even feel like an obscene Teletubby anymore. Much."

"Obscene Teletubby! LOVE it! So, Andrew, what are you going to say in your blog about this?"

"I'll need a title worthy of this evil stuff."

"Ha! Or you could call it 'Miss Sakura's Tentacle Porn Lesson.'"

"Oh! Or you could totally put like 'If This is What he Meant by Tentacle Porn, Why is my Dick in This Toaster?!'"

(all laugh)

"It'll come to you—but you must write about it. The world needs to be warned about the day that Tentacle Man stuck his dick in the toaster!"


Posted for PornQuest 2006 by way of LateQuest 2007

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