needs action hero
es. The human race
needs those brave few who have what it takes to save mankind
from natural disaster
s, catastrophic accidents, alien invasion
s, and the evil doings of megalomaniac
Sadly, such extraordinary people are few and far between. But here is how you – yes you – can follow in the footsteps of these amazing people. If you ever face a situation when drastic action is called for to save the day, perhaps the following advice will help.
Charisma. That’s the name of the game. Charisma is the action hero’s basic weapon in the fight for all that is good and just. An action hero needs to have that special something – the “X-factor” you might say. People will need to trust you in the most perilous of situations – maybe even trust you with their lives!
If you have no charisma then you’ll never be an action hero.
Often we find that the action hero is somewhat of a tortured soul. Rarely are they married. So, if you are married and want to be an action hero – get a divorce now. Best to do it as soon as possible as these things can take some time. Don’t worry – you’ll win your wife back after you save the Earth! Women can’t resist a hero after all. But if you are not married don’t panic. All you need to do be involved or at least interested in a girl and somehow make sure that she becomes interested in someone else just prior to your heroics so you can win her back.
You must live in a crummy apartment in a slightly bad area too. No plush suburban houses. Such apartments tend to be fairly cheap so don’t worry about finance. However, you should not be reliable in paying rent. The threat of eviction tends to hang over the head of the typical action hero. Your charisma should always manage to earn you an extension to the payment deadline – here is just one importance of having charisma! Decorate your apartment with empty beer bottles and take-out boxes.
As for your wardrobe, you will probably find that a plain white vest will be most useful to you. Make sure it’s cheap, as it will probably get ripped. Jeans are good too.
You should have superhuman fitness. An action hero must run all day, despite a diet of fast food and beer.
Personal problems, such as heavy drinking are very much encouraged.
Oh yes – you must never get on well with your boss.
Most action heroes have a nemesis. Your nemesis should be someone who is very wealthy and in a position of great power. Perhaps the head of a large multinational corporation who dabbles in more sinister dealings behind the frontage of his legitimate business. No, not Richard Branson.
Your nemesis will be the focal point of your deeds of daring do, so choose wisely. You wouldn’t want to be stuck with a crap nemesis for the rest of your life would you?
Normally, you will be thrown unexpectedly into your moment of glory. There will be no time to plan so you probably won’t have access to any useful equipment. If you happen to be cop (which is likely) then you will have a handgun. And a badge of course, which you must flash gratuitously when entering any building. Don’t worry about running out of ammunition – your gun has an inexhaustible supply. How? Waddya mean how!?! It just does, ok!?!
The only time you will have any trouble dealing with these sorts of people is when they sneak up on you. This is almost certain to happen at least once per adventure. Generally you will come across mindless drones hired by your nemesis who will sometimes very kindly run right into the path of your bullets. If faced by a group of them, the first thing to do is not to panic. Their greater numbers will give them no tactical advantage as they will not attack en masse. Instead they will wait patiently until it is their turn to fight you one-on-one, man-to-man. You will prevail since you are far more “man” than they are.
Dealing with the main big bad crony:
There is always one big bad mother who you will have to fight before you can save the day. They are usually your nemesis’ personal bodyguard. Do not be surprised if they are 7 feet tall and built like a colossus.
Initially, the fight will go badly. But this is normal. You will be thrown about like a rag doll by your colossal foe. All you have to do is wait until you are just about to be defeated whereupon you will spot a way to instantly knock out your opponent. Usually this will be in the form of some mechanical contraption. A lever or button releasing some heavy suspended object is a good thing to look for. Whatever the answer, the first place you should look is just beyond your desperately outstretched fingers.
Dealing with your nemesis:
He’s psychotic and unstable so expect anything. You will find that as you reach your nemesis some dialogue will ensue. “You will never succeed!” “Oh yes I will!” Etc etc. It is at this point that he will normally unveil the full extent of his master plan. One thing that you can expect (although you must always pretend to be surprised) is for the tables to turn on you. Your nemesis will never attempt to kill you straight away. He would much rather create some elaborate scenario in which you will die a slow painful death...and have ample time to escape!
In your final confrontation with your nemesis, he will be just about to succeed in his dastardly plan when you defeat him. Try to defeat him in some ironic way – he should be killed by his own superweapon, for instance. If you want a sequel then let him go, or at least make sure his body is not discovered, but it really really looked like he died.
You only have a handgun, but this is of no consequence. You are so skilled that you will have no trouble in dealing with multiple opponents armed with submachine guns. You shouldn’t be concerned with being hit. Your opponents are, to a man, abysmally poor shots. If you do need to find cover then the best things to hide behind are wooden crates, metal railings or ladders, or the corpse of a fallen enemy. Bullets do pass through these objects however, but never when YOU hide behind them.
And if you do get shot – just carry on. You’re a tough guy.
Taking careful aim is never necessary. Just point your gun in the general direction of a foe and fire – you’ll always hit them.
Sometimes your gun won’t be of any use to you and you will have to get down to some proper ass-kicking. The important thing to remember is that by some freak of nature, you can never be knocked unconscious by any blow you enemy can land on you. You will also suffer no ill effects after being hit. Concussion? Got no time for concussion when there’s a wrong that needs righting!
You have nothing to fear in fistfights. Don’t forget that your unrefined haphazard fighting style can defeat even the most highly trained and disciplined martial artists.
When confronted with a bomb, pay attention to its time readout. You must wait until there are only a few seconds left before you begin to disarm it. The procedure is simple. Just cut wires. You’re an action hero – how can you fail?
If you have to disarm a nuclear warhead, just follow the same basic procedure as above. You will generally see signs on the device warning of extreme radioactivity. Ignore them.
Sometimes you will need to sneak into somewhere undercover. The best tactic is to covertly take out a hired thug and steal his uniform. You can walk around as brazenly as you like as no-one will realise that they have never seen you before.
You’ve never piloted an aircraft before? No worries! It’s a piece of cake. If you struggle then just get someone to talk you through it.
Without any training, anyone can drive like a stunt driver, making jumps like Evel Knievel. As you drive through crowded city streets at breakneck speed you should attempt to hit as many piles of empty boxes and apple carts as possible. Always remember that driving down some steps is a good way to lose a car following you. Pay no attention to pedestrians – they’ll get out of the way in time. As for traffic, you will find that everyone crashes but you. Most often in head-on collisions at crossroads after you run through red lights. Remember – the rules of the road don’t apply to action heroes. You don’t see any being stopped by the police do you?
Often you will come across a beautiful woman who happens to be a computer-wizz (don’t the glasses make her look intelligent!). She will do all computer work for you. If your gratuitous good-looking female companion happens to be a specialist in another field then you will find that using a computer is second nature to you. Even the most complex procedures will take merely a few key presses. Your fingers will fly across the keyboard as if independent from the rest of your body. It’s almost like you are one with the computer. It seems to know exactly what you want to type – you can press any keys you like!
You will also never come across a computer with a Windows operating system in any of your travels. Computers that you do use have excessive and showy animations on the screen for every task. E-mail always comes floating out of an animated envelope.
At the end of the day, when you have foiled whatever sinister plan was afoot, there is one important thing to remember. Never gloat. Never boast. Never blow your own trumpet about what an amazing person you are. When it’s all over, simply go home. As the firemen, police officers, paramedics, and journalists are dealing with the mess you leave behind, just walk through them all. No-one will stop you.
And you should by now have got the girl. If not your ex-wife, then the beautiful accomplice you have just met.
If you subsequently lose the girl and turn to drink, expect a sequel.
I hope this guide will help all you budding action heroes out there. If you follow these basic guidelines then you will soon be on the way to saving the day. Just remember – you cannot fail. You are the hero!