I have been told that I am going to go to hell more times than I care to count. How many times does a person need to be told this before they are condemned to this fate? It is becoming more and more obvious to me that there is some sort of underground Christian voting system that the world at large is unaware of.

Apparently Yahweh himself has been removed from the mundane task of hand selecting people to go to hell and left it up to elderly women and hyper-type-A Born Again Christians to take this task over for him. Now he may accomplish other more important and pressing tasks, such as slowly pushing the western seaboard into the ocean. The filth pit of sin (L.A.) shall be decimated and His faithful followers in the bible belt shall finally have some beach-front property -- all in one swift movement of his hand!

Through some simple logic I have deduced a few things about how the secret soul voting system works. I have decided it is a voting system for a few reasons. If it was still Yahweh's decision then I don't think these people would be so bold to judge.

If it was something more along the lines of a full power given to each of these earthly judges, than it would be more economical for them to take a militant police/judge/jury/executioner stance. I feel that rather than proclaiming the condemneds fate aloud, it would be more effective simply to pass sentenc and then shoot the person in the face, thus removing their filthy presence from the earth. This must not be how it works.

Though how it is tallied still eludes me, I have come to the conclusion that each time a fidgeting, twitching, Born Again or older woman screams your spiritual doom in your face at the top of their lungs, you have accrued a point against you. Once a certain number of these tallies have scared your soul, your fate is sealed. I still think it would be more apropos if they simply yelled, "STEEEEEEE-RIKKKKKKKE WAAAAAAAN!" in your face, but this would be too obvious and most likely reveal the plot against our eternal souls.

Man, now that I have figured all of this out I feel like Salman Rushdie. I may now be unofficially be marked for death by the Pope. heheh

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