, this rage
, is building up inside of me. I was about to unleash an invective tirade
on the Chatterbox to mitigate
my anger, but... Now that I've been swallowed by the EDB
at the WORST FUCKING GOD DAMN TIME POSSIBLE YOU FUCKING WHORE FOR MAKING ME SO GOD DAMN MAD
, I'm making a node so that I don't go a little crazy.
See.. Here's the story. Boy grows up with two loving parents. Boy realizes and accepts that he's gay. Boy tells parents. Parents all but disown boy. Parents and boy live in same house for a year, but never speak more than one sentence to each other a night. And that one sentence is the parents' attempt to "convert" boy into being straight.
Yes, well, this has been growing, and accumulating. I'm 17. I know that I'm becoming an adult, and independent, and that's painfully apparent, but GOD DAMNIT, I still need my parents! There's a reason why I'm a child until I'm 18. I'm not ready to go off into the world all alone with no one to turn to.
Unfortunately, my parents do not understand this. They've been staying out all night until about when I go to bed. They say that it's for work, but no one works that much. I'm nearly certain that they're both having affairs. I don't care about that- I've accepted that love isn't eternal. But they're never here for me. If I have a problem, it's all up to me to solve it, and the MOST that I can expect from them is money for gas, and even that I don't ask for, I just take it because my mom said that I can get it whenever I need it.
The absence of their love has been taking its toll. With all of the stress of learning to have gay relationships in a horribly straight world, and all the struggle of taking the hardest classes offered at my school, I'm finding myself worn entirely too thin. I need relief somewhere. I KNOW I'm not getting it at school. I seriously doubt that I'm getting it on the relationship theater any time soon, since I seem to be the bubonic plague. So I need some relief in other areas of my life.
So what does my mom decide to do? Unload her work onto me! Apparently, some friends of the family who I've never met before got a new computer and are too ignorant to hook it all up, so I must help because I'm computer guy. Yeah, that's me... Lucky me. Aren't I lucky to have a mediocre talent with something that most people have no clue about? Wow.
She told me that I did not have an option in this, and that I must do it for free. I did not get hysterical. I wasn't even that angry. I've sadly grown used to her treating me this way. I'm just a tool that she uses. Isn't she lucky to have an intelligent son who's mind is falling to pieces?
The part that I had a problem with is what came next. She told me that she wanted me to be on my best behavior and as sweet and nice as possible. I asked why... Hmm... Let's do a dialogue scenario.
Mom: Be on your best behavior. Treat them as nice as you can.
Mom: Because they don't have any kids, and they should regret that.
Randy: Umm... Why would I want to rub it in their faces?
Mom: Because they SHOULD regret not having kids.
-between the lines-
Damnit son, don't you realize that you're going to regret not being able to have kids because you're gay?
She didn't come out and say it, and she has to know that I knew why she said what she said... I just couldn't believe it. I've had YEARS to think about what it meant to be gay. Of COURSE I know that I can't have babies through sex. Maybe I don't want one? Or maybe I'll adopt, or get a surrogate mom?
Why does she have to attack me like this? She doesn't know how much it hurts. She causes me pain that I don't need. It's additive. It's multiplicative... Hell, it's even exponential. Pain begets pain, and the more fucking pain you have the more fucking pain the next blow inflicts. If she doesn't want to be a part of my life, the least that she could do is let me be, and not try to fuck with it.
This is why gay teens commit suicide. I'm going through serious bouts of depression, and I can't do anything about it because that's just how society works. Until something changes, there will be prejudices against gays, and we will face a constant persecution that straight people will almost never understand. It's not always there, but it always feels like it's there, because everything you hear can be taken in some way to relate to that. Whenever I think marriage, I think "Did they bring that up because they know I can't really get married?" Whenever I see a child, I wonder, "Why is it so hard to get one of those...?" It's so painful to me that other teens have them as accidents... while I'm mourning the fact that no matter how hard I try I could never have one in the traditional way... So it seems that the stigmas even exist in me.
I don't know who or where to turn to. So just please, someone fix it. I don't care if this gets downvoted. I really don't want it getting nuked though. I needed to say it, and now I feel so much better for getting it out. And someone in the future will read this and say, "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean!", and they won't feel so alone. But what I'm really hoping is that sometime in the distant future, someone will read this and say "Wow, when the hell did someone write this? God, they must have been living in the 1900s or something." Go to hell, EDB.