This is a letter from Juliet's Hope Chest. The letter is in the original format, typos and all. The only things that have been changed, are to protect the identify of the other person.

Did you ever say something you regret? I did.


From juliet@escape.com Sat Nov 6 17:32:44 1999
Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 16:34:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Victoria L. Palmer
To: NeXT.boy@glitterglam.org
Subject: piece of mind

Hi.. I need to tell you some things.. and I don't know if it is apropos or not.. but I think that airing them might be benificial and might explain some stuff..

The first and foremost thing .. I think you are amazing.. as a friend.. I don't know if you realize how much just being there means to me.. I had a really rough year.. and for a while.. It seemed like the worst parts were never going to end.. then Jeff.. the one stability (his friendship, not our pseudo-relationship) in my life, the person who would ask "how's your day", and really would want to know.. was gone.. Leaving me other things to concentrate on... my failing health.. and the seemingly innocent looking, yet strangling quicksand that is florida.. But I refused to let it show.. I am really good at putting on the happy face for the people I care about..

When Jeff 180'ed on me.. it shook my faith in people a lot.. I try to be trusting without being naive.. Jeff was someone I bared my soul to... for the first time I wasn't conforming to the role that was being thrust upon me.. I was there.. with no armor or defense.. and he smashed me down.. I am so comfortable talking to you.. and I respect and value your opinion, but I will admit.. when I was telling you about some of the not-so-happy moments in my life.. that night we talked for like 12732131 hours.. I was frightened when I got off the phone.. I did what I said I wasn't going to do.. Which was let anyone see me that vulnerable, at least not for a very very long time.. I broke my own rule.. I trust you with all there is.. but it was me I didn't trust.. but That is when I realized that your friendship was something that I valuled so highly..

I kinda forget what the point was to this whole letter.. or if there was one.. I probably sound psychotic.. and maybe this letter will do more good un-sent.. but part of me feels I should send it.. I have what some consider a problem of speaking about some things which others assume are obvious.. but I hate to assume things.. so i figure others do too.. it's better to know for sure right? Maybe some things are better left unsaid.. but I felt it was importent for me to voice that I do think you are an amazing, remarkable person, who has my deepest respect.

I'm a smart girl, well I'm not stupid.. and I know I am capable in a lot of ways.. but in some ways I feel like a little child still.. I think it is because I am easily wounded when it comes to things that are importent to me.. it causes me to revert to child-like manners of dealing with things.. like writing letters like this.. heh.. I also feel obligated to justify all my actions and emotions to the people whose opinion I care about.. John says that is gonna kill me.. because I feel obligated constantly..

Please don't think im psycho.. heh.. neurotic is ok, but im Korean, adopted, and female.. so cut me some slack.. =)

- adieu

'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'`
Victoria Palmer * juliet@escape.com * http://www.escape.com/~juliet

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because
we are so dangerously near to wanting nothing.." - Sylvia Plath

friends and lovers, but sometimes just friends

We have always been friends

we have sometimes been lovers

We are mostly parents

We have rarely been friends and lovers at the same moment in time

I live in my surreal world and you in your universe unknown to me

I willingly gave you my devotion, loyalty, passion all in the form of my body, is there any blame to be laid that we didn't play it that way? Jealousy, questions, unbidden pain, shame, perpetual lies,

desperation, sickness, volcanic anger, mischievous intent

these have been a few of the things we have shared

these are a few of my least favorite things

I hear myself screaming inside my head and then I rant

This must stop!

All this must end!

All we can do is to pretend

that we are more then just friends.

I tried to find you in the realm of eternal love

I lost myself when I stumbled into all that keeps you from me

I look into a mirror, I'm no longer sure I know who I see

Who is that woman when there's no you and me?

I think I've met her once or twice.

She's the one that's so nice.

The one that's not so sad.

Not always angry.

This must end!

The beginning is the typical reflection of this end. We are a stereo type, a whole set of statistics, a foregone conclusion, in spite of all the good intentions we have managed to become all the things we were warned about. the wise ones, all those gut feelings and silent pleadings. Sometimes doing the right thing is not the best choice. Maybe it was, but it can't last like this much longer. You may not be able to see, I've tried to keep this sorrow all my own. I'm not sure if I've done this to shelter you from the rain, or to keep from having to confess my shame. Besides I thought I needed all this pain so I could lay down all the blame. Just one more grievance then I'd have my evidence you were the one who should have felt the same. The problem was the one more always came. I weigh the scales, I saw the score but I didn't want to see the end of the game .

We have always been friends

We have mostly been parents

Sometimes parents should just be friends

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