I am all excited at the moment because four years of hard work have now been documented in the local newspaper. You can read all about it here:

http://www.it.fairfax.com.au/networking/20010220/A23308-2001Feb19.html

It's titled, 'The students who kicked out the consultants' and documents how students took over the administration and operation of IT facilities at a university residential college. Staring me of course!! ;-)

And better yet, Australian Personal Computer, an Australian national consumer PC magazine has picked up the article as well and will be publishing a slightly different version in their April or May issue. Whoo hoo - I'm famous!!

Actually, besides seeing my name in print (which I will admit is a buzz), I am more pleased with the fact that it gives recognition in a very public way to the volunteer students who assisted with running the whole thing. Without their efforts and ideas, the College would not have been able to accomplish the things that they did. For us young IT people, we are indeed lucky that we live in an age where young people can make a very real difference and get valuable experience at the same time.

Added later today:
We got mentioned on Slashdot and boy did we see our website hits skyrocket through the roof!!

I'm worried leetle one. I'm worried about making this house a home for you. I want you to think of coming home and have that thought be about here. You live with me now. You have every right to ask for changes. This house is not mine any more. This house is ours. You do not have to just accept my habits and work around them.

My house is your house.

You are family.

This is yours to share.

A home is comfort. It is not walls and mortar. It is where you fall down safe. It is where you wake up warm and comforted. It is where you are loved. It is yours. Home is where you let your shields down, where the stress slides away.

My home is your home.

This is yours to share leetle one.

I am developing the worst f*#@ing crush on my acting professor. It's silly, I know. I tell myself why this is a bad idea:

Much as I tell myself these things over and over, I can't help but let my mind wander over this, my newest obsession. Oh fun. Like a fool, I try to find reasons to talk to him after class--questions about acting techniques; "how do people get their plays put on these days?" (I'm an amateur playwrite--no joke); "Oh, I saw an interesting production of Sam Shepard's Buried Child this week." It's really pathetic. The odd thing is, I'm actually earnest in what I say--I do have a very sincere interest in theatre, but at the same time, it forms a convenient way to get his attention. I'm even going to secretly go to a play he's in two weeks from now.

Ah, those school-girl crushes... They suck.

Introduction.

I have marsupial instincts.
My half-filled purse contains an umbrealla, two novels, a Camille Paglia book, bottled water, five parking tickets from Cincinnati, a large tub of petroleum jelly, eleven inkpens, seven teabags, hair wax (for blondes... it was cheaper), a package of cashews, mace, and my journal... always my journal.

Four hours ago there was an empty bottle of white wine hiding at the bottom, but it has been properly disposed of.

Afternoon.

Today I woke up, took a proper bubble bath (this involved a 1927 Kohler claw-foot tub, multiple candles, Gershwin, and two hours of perfect bliss), and sat down to chat with Shawn before drying my hair. When I came back to the computer, I found that my father had taken it over. I opened my mouth, drew a breath... and thought better of it. He turned around, burning me with his eyes.
I feel a little sorry for the man, living with four women.
I knew that disturbing him would cause much more trouble than it was worth. And I needed to dispose of the bottle.

Evening.

I flipped through the tapes in my car. Tilt... oh, yes. Very fitting. Windows rolled down... February chill and long hair be damned!
"Here I am, still intact. And I should give myself credit for that... But I have cast a stone deep into my throat."

To Kroger... One pound of pesticide-y strawberries. To Mapco... One pound of freshly-washed strawberries. To the cemetery.
I don't consider myself to be a morbid person, and cemeteries don't get me off like that. Still, they are wooded and full of delicious silence. And this cemetery is special. It's 200 years old, very well-hidden, and it overlooks a lovely pond. Besides, the living frighten me more than the dead do.

Resolution.

I lean against a crypt, sucking strawberries and studying the pond. A perfect birch is wavily reflected on its murky surface. It makes me think of fractals. I imagine myself as a fragment of something living and breathing and infinite. The water, the quiet, my familiar cardigan, the strawberry juice on my tongue... these things pacify me. I lay back, head on my purse. The sky is so huge. I feel it sucking the cynicism from my gaping mouth. My eyes are full of everything and nothing and a palpable sliver of now. I laugh...

With a sudden burst of childlike enthusiasm, I tear a page from my journal and draw... Soon the page is an unconvincing treasure map.
Happiness lies HERE.
To my great surprise, when I threw the bottle, it made a perfect arc and KER-SPLASHED exactly where I wanted it. The birch's image shattered and danced and came back together, proving that it was as resiliant as I am.

So I disposed of the wine bottle. And I think I disposed of my reasons for drinking alone at home on a Saturday night...

All of these people. So very strange, all walking around and none of them minding a bit what it is that I am doing. Sitting anonymous in the crowd it is easy for me to blend in here. I look like everyone else, I sound like everyone else. I am one of you again.
This still doesn't feel like home.
So many people.
All walking.
No ideas.

Spent most of Saturday afternoon wandering around and watching large amounts of anime which was released while I was gone. New additions to the collection include the recently released DVD copies of Neon Genesis Evangelion, Gasaraki and unfortunately the last disc of Cowboy Bebop. At one in the morning I pull the last Lain disc from the shelf in order to sympathize with someone else who seems to feel as displaced as I do right now.
Now in Los Angeles, I am leeching bandwidth from Skorch and just glad to be here finally. Apprehension waning into a sort of numb state and then finally into sort of odd depressed bliss.

"YOU'RE GOONA HAVE TO CARRY THAT WEIGHT."

Last night I stood forlornly outside the Zodiac venue. Ticketless.

Frank Black was playing inside. With the Catholics. A group of us excommunicated stood outside.

Inside the transguitaration was taking place. There was a girl in the hopeful queue with hips like Cinderella.

Many gig-goers were in their thirties. They are part of the Pixies generation. They don't dig Limp Bizkit, Swervedriver or And you will know us by the Trail of Dead.

They remember Black Francis, Joey and Kim screaming against time.

11:58

The first lecture of the day was done - root@rieska talked about MacOS and Macs in general.

Strangely enough, today I wasn't tired as hell in the morning. Must be because I got to sleep before 3 this time. =)

The bad thing was that I hadn't noticed my bag was open when I walked to the university - and it was snowing outside... Well, my stuff didn't get wet, fortunately.

Well, time to waste the time for today. And such. UI lecture at 14:15.

18:14

I'm home. And I'm sort of tired. It's been a loooong day. =(

22:39

Wheee! I sent a request to SourceForge to import my shiny new CVS tree of Schedulist. The "project" is finally starting to get back into move... "CVS is hard"! =)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Virtual machine salmiakki Revolver Ocelot MoonTV

"Five nodes is all they let me get away with anymore," I overheard my mind muble at 11:11.

Why do I care, why do I come back for more? It's not the money. It's not the desire for popularity or friendships (which I've found can be fleeting here on the net), but more or less to waste time while I'm at the office.

Still E2 can get me riled up. Like the other day when the first person to vote on my day log rewarded it with a driveby down vote. You bastich, If I know who you were we would have words.
Still other times E2 fills me with joy, such as when it recognizes a node of mine with a C!. I feel complimented by the acceptance.

Still I'm thinking about quittin these parts and heading for other pastures. It's a might big web out there and there's lots to see other than everything. Time will tell. I will finish the nodes I have planned for this place... and then who nodes?

my, my, my... the night time slipped into my dreams so smoothly last night. In bed by 11, up at 7. Kristi and I had a very nice conversation last night. The pressures of not being able to see each other is intensifying for both of us. Would it be different if we lived in the same country, town, apartment. I think we would just trade one tension for another. Life is filled with tension. It builds suspense and allows the sweeping range of emotions to become fully manifest.
We'll see each other either in March in Germany or in April here in Italy. I can't wait. I really can't. Tension is good. I'm a journalist, I thrive on deadlines and get-it-done now pressures. It's the long delays inherent in this relationship and Italian life that breaks my balls.

Oh well, I can look 4ward to eating fresh slamon with freshly stir-fried vegetables and basmati rice tonight. A nice glass of red and a beedie, some Morphine, John Scofield, or maybe Dead Can Dance, a hot shower and some hash is all I need from this evening.

13.25 afternoon

I feel sad. It's beautiful day outside, sun is shining... and i'm here at the office, currently doing nothing else than waiting for a meeting that will start at 14.00. These kind of slow days, when I don't have anything to do (between projects, or between project phases), are really boring. I mean, I could be out there, walking around, in sunshine, smiling (ok, it's still winter, it was like 0 degrees celsius temperature in the morning), and feeling happy, witnessing how spring makes the winter go away. Yeah, I realize, I'd have the same problem if I had something to do, but then again, I wouldn't have the time write about it. But on the other hand, if I had something to do, I probably would not notice the sunshine and nice weather.

I've noticed that I haven't noded anything for a while. I think I have noders block. Or perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I have become a bit lazy lately. Or perhaps I'm just a slow noder. Who knows. I should. But I don't.

I am leaving today for NYC! Manhattan to be precise. Just two days, but my first ever business trip - some one is paying for me to ride a train and sleep in a hotel bed. Woo -hoo! How cool. I feel like shit, have a bad cold that no medicine can touch. My nose is red. Yesterday I cleaned my room, rearranged the furniture so it was more (I hope) attuned to Feng Shui. I have my computer and desk and bookcase in one corner and my bed and candles and stones in the other half of the room. I could barely sleep; I think the medicine, the excitement, and the cold. Hope it isn't the rearranging. I was finally ready to go to bed and realized that I am leaving tomorrow and have to pack tonight! Yikes! But I had clean clothes.

My thoughts and feelings kept returning on the multiple instances of men abusing me sexually in my teen years. So awful, those years. I am amazed that I got through them and still manage to love specific men. I really don't like men in the generic sense because of these things that happened to me. It hurts so bad - and my loss is so great. Now I remember all of the details of each instance, and the pain is intrinsic to the memory, instead of standing off in a corner by itself.

I have to feel the sadness, and go through the woods again. I can't just dismiss the memories, even though they are years old. I have to feel the feelings, or they will haunt me forever. I want to live - I want to feel the joy in my life again. The happiness and euphoria of friends and silliness, and making love freely. I had that two weeks ago - now all is deadwood.

My life has spiraled out of my control, and I couldn't see through my own denial.

All hell broke loose a few weeks ago within my (quite) little circle of friends, and I was so desprate for stability that I created some in my head. I thought she was there for me because she cared, but I guess I was wrong. She's grown quite distant, and has openly expressed interest in others - but I was oblivious.

On other fronts, I got ShowEQ working on my i-Opener finally... Redhat 7.0 is a bitch when you're trying to compile programs for the first time. Fuck dev-CVS glibc's. I compiled about a dozen different kernels on my i-Opener just to get the USB ethernet working. I got my EQ character to level 31 - finally outta hell.

I evidentally contributed to the rapid disruption of The Way Things Were (tm) in my group of friends. How? Simply by not being around... What can I do now?

I need an infusion, but my insurance is dragging it's feet. Every day I feel weaker and more sickly. It's hard to keep going with my life, and I haven't been to work for over a week. This is complicated by the fact that my life as I know it is falling apart around me, and I'm resisting the urges to disapear into my own little world. I've even considered recreational drug use for the first time in my life - pretty much because I don't feel I'll be around much longer to enjoy life anyway. Oh well.. My health's not that bad yet.

I've been away from the e2 community for quite some time... Never really got into it too deep to begin with, but I enjoy using it as a public life log among other things. Contribution is one of my favorate things, and I hope I can contribute more to the nodegel in the future.

For now, as long as my life is shattered by my own inability to keep up Everything 2 may just have to remain a lifelog. When I get the time to add meaningful nodes, then I will...

Until then... Well... Later. ;)

Exams continued today, to my dismay. Was it so much to ask, for a freak temporal anomaly which would place me in next week?

At least they went by painlessly today. Oh, how my mind rots.
Time that should rightfully be spent noding is soaked in exams.

Ow.

Just call this daylog VT_hawkeye's Transportation and Life-Goals Rant.

Thought last night during CS Career Night: when I finally get through this whole job-hunt process and get a full-time job for after I graduate, I'm going to write a book and call it How To Become A Corporate Whore In 3 Easy Steps. If anyone out there is like me, this book will sell to college job-seekers so fast that I won't even need to take a job offer -- I'll be able to live on the royalties.

Every Tuesday morning, I drive the Oak Lane bus. The "Oak Lane Community" is Tech's area of campus where fraternity and sorority houses owned by the university are located. It's not really any further from the academic side of campus than regular dormitories, just in a different direction, and there is a dedicated bus for these people (actually, two of them -- they run on a fifteen-minute cycle). On the flipside, though, there aren't actually that many riders on the route, because of the prevalence of cars at Oak Lane.

At some schools, I understand it's practically necessary to join a Greek organization to have a social life. Not so at VT -- the last numbers I heard were that frat guys are about 15% of the male population, and sorority girls are about 25% of the females (which roughly equals out -- Tech was 58% male, last I heard). So, those of you who joined Greek organizations because that's what you had to do at your school to be involved (my Mom was one of those people), don't take the following insults at face value, they're not meant for you.

Except for the one Honors dorm, Oak Lane community is the only site on campus where on-campus residents can park in front of their house/dorm (instead of in the Cage, a monstrous lot on the southwestern edge of campus). As if that wasn't privilege enough, Oak Lane residents get commuter parking passes as well, meaning they can park closer in on campus if they so desire, taking a 3-minute drive over a 6-minute walk. Nobody else on campus gets that privilege -- and nobody else has a dedicated bus route going to their residence either. (I'm not quite sure why we run that route, though -- there's low ridership because if you're rich enough to buy your friends, you're rich enough to buy a car, and the commuter passes let them drive down the street to class.) Do frats and sororities get preferential treatment? Noooooooo...

And to top off my lovely Oak Lane shift, I made one critical mistake: I ate a Sbarro biscuit. Bacon and cheese, to be specific -- Squires Student Center's food court was the only place I could get to in my 7 minutes of 10-7 at the library timecheck, so I figured I'd try what they had. It nearly made me sick, and the nasty taste was barely washed away by the 32 oz. of Pepsi I also purchased. I didn't eat lunch, that biscuit messed me up so bad.

Fast-forward to 1357: I have a test at 1400, and was stuck in senior pictures until 1350. I knew parking would be difficult, but this was ridiculous -- it wound up taking me 30 minutes of circling to get a space, after being cut off twice by prissy sorority girls with their Oak Lane passes. I had to restrain myself from jumping out the window of my truck and shouting,

Ride the fucking bus, you over-privileged bitch -- I even fucking DRIVE a dedicated route just for you, and you still have to take my damned parking space!

(Not that it made that much difference on the test anyway... I still failed miserably... why the hell did I take Computer Graphics anyway? I live in text mode.)

What a damned day. At least my riders on Hethwood/Windsor Hills for the late shift are real people, though, without the attitude that belongs somewhere northeast of here.

Today would have been Just Another Day At Work(tm), had it not been for the wonderful respect in the workplace training we had to endu--err, attend.

It's times like that at which I pine for Sexual Harassment Panda.

It appears that California law actually prohibits the use of the term "Pant Suit", because it is gender specific. While I don't live in California, the presenters said that most states are following suit.

They specifically stated that this was NOT "Sexual Harassment Training", as they were not teaching us how to sexually harass. Damn. You'd think so, because the tape they showed sure provided lots of examples. Anyway, the meeting went into harassment in general, as well as sexual harassment.

All in all, it wasn't a very educational experience. No. I take that back. It educated me on the unbelievable stupidity of people, and their extreme sensitivity. I'm not saying sexual harassment is a Good Thing, but the things that can be construed as harassment are a little excessive.

Which brings me to Sexual Harassment Panda. That South Park episode was very good, as it showed reality as it stands. Everyone is suing everyone, and accusing everyone else of sexual harassment. Whee!

That's where we're going, especially when you're not allowed to have a "bus boy" wearing a "pant suit" in California.

Lunch Log: Pizza. Pepperoni and Mushrooms.

9:21pm

I am very tired today. I got 7 hours of sleep, that should be enough. It was a slacking day, though I did get some stuff done that has been meaning to be done for a while.

I am again anxious today about meeting Sara on friday. Even more than yesterday. At this rate, I should be a basket case soon.

I've been thinking about and re-reading Sara's last long letter to me. She specifically said that she doesn't want any relationships, committments or serious dating right now. This makes me think that maybe casual dating is ok? Or is that a relationship? It seems almost like she deliberately avoided including "casual" in there where she could have easily done so. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. I'm just happy being with her; I'm glad that she wants to get together for stuff.

Today was really bumpy. I had an early morning rehearsal for orchestra, which was just plain normal. The rest of the day went by as usual with not one odd thing happening. I did have a weird feeling during school. Something to do with social inadequacy. Probably something to do with not having a girlfriend or being ignored by people I thought liked me. At any rate I didn’t worry too much about it.

Then I went home. My friend came with me and we did some questionable smokeables. Afterwards we sat around attempting to do some work with SQL and VB. Then he left and I just lied in bed for a long time. Up to this point I was very happy. My parents were in Atlantic City showing my visiting British cousin what it's like there.

Then my brother came home. The thing about my brother is that he is retarded. He has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and also has serious trouble controlling his mood, especially his temper. One of his obsessions is cleaning. He likes to mop our kitchen floor every other day. My parents don’t like him to since he gets protective of the floors in our house. He sometimes gets angry if we even use out kitchen now. Often he’ll wake up in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep and he’ll mop the floor.

Today he came home angry. Most likely something unpleasant happened between him and a co-worker at the special place where he works. Recently this has been happening a lot more often. None of the doctors know why he’s getting worse but in the last year or two its all beendownhill. I put up with it for a good hour or two and calmly asked him to keep it down. I warned him that if he was in a bad mood when my parents came home, that he’d get in more trouble. I gave him about 5 warnings but he would only obey my requests for about 30 seconds and then go back to how he was before.

After about 2 hours of this I was starting to get annoyed but I was trying hard to put up with it. I went to tell him to stop (more sternly this time) but he ran into a room and locked the door. By now I was really angry and I started pounding on the door (three times to be exact). I guess I lost it because I put a hole right into the door. I have the cuts on my arm to prove it. I rarely get angry like this. I usually don't even slam my door when I argue with my dad. I don't get into fights at school. I hate violence. This was just not something I usually do.

That was it. My brother decided to blame me for his anger and started complaining about me. One of the things that always makes it tough for me to deal with him is that when ever I screw up in a minor way he has to emphasize it to my parents. Most of the time he doesn’t understand what I messed up, but he can tell by my parents intonation that I screwed up and he seizes the chance to repeat my flaw over and over again for the next few days.

Well, this is what he did when my parents came home. I explained to my parents why he was so angry and why there was a hole in their bedroom door. He said that he was angry because I put hole in the door. I personally believe him since he gets very upset whenever anything is broken or messy (obsessive compulsive). It ended up where he went to his room after taking a tranquilizer and I went to my room and cried. I haven’t cried in a long time. Not since I was about 9 or so. I’m 16 now. I feel bad now too since between my brother and I, we really made my parents look bad. I'm sure my cousin understands the situation but th fact that I flew off the handle makes it appear that even I have problems.

I’m sure my parents knew that something had happened at his work. They called from Atlantic City to ask how things were going and they asked him how work was. He tried to say that everything was fine and that he didn’t get into any fights or yell at his supervisor. These are all things he wouldn’t say if things had really gone right.

Now I’m doing my homework. Hopefully I’ll be able to return to my regular life without much fallout from this.

Kurt Cobain


Feb 20,1967-April 8,1994




Well to day I woke up and realized, that today was Kurt Cobaims 34th birthday. So I did what I usually do on hisbirth day. I got the collectio of music from nirvana that i have and carried it with me. I kept on listening to only one song. That song is Gallons of rubbibg alcohol flow throught the stripAnother of my rituals is to get fuckin stoned on this day just for him and thats what i did like about ten minutes ago.

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