The following open forum Q&A session is transcribed from the
seminary conference discussion on the steps for the proper forms of Evil (Dated
July 3, 2001). Although the questions are general in nature, these suggestions
should not be considered complete. Like Evil itself, this manual is a work in
progress and should be revised and updated as Evil moves into the 21st century.
Please feel free to check with your local EGA (Evil Government Agency) to answer
your specific questions or concerns. This guide can be considered a replacement
for pages 945 and 946 in: Evil Etiquette: The Complete Guide (A manual for the 21st
century and beyond) Rev. 5a. Copyright - Specialty Iniquity Publishers, January
Q: If Im driving in my car past a large puddle,
is it better form to swerve toward the puddle to splash someone on the sidewalk,
or should I act as if it was an accident?
A: Splashing someone on the sidewalk is not only evil but
great fun. Either way is generally accepted form. Here are a few tips: If
you are driving a car with one of those fish symbols on the back you should
most definitely swerve toward the puddle. Anything less would leave your intent
in doubt. If youre a Darwinist slowly nudge the car in the direction
and look the other way, Darwinists are very keen on accidents.
PS: If you are the victim of such evil you should shout and look appropriately
frumpish. Appreciating the Evil at the time will only discourage those wishing
to ruin your day. Play nice, use the appropriate finger gesture to your culture
and shout curses- carry towels.
Q: My cat just had a litter of unwanted kittens. What
should I do?
A: well, the first thing you should do is hope that the mothers
first instinct will be to eat them. If you are unlucky, she is too full
to finish, or she is nornally well fed (tsk, tsk), you should first assess how many are left. One or two kittens are
easily dispatched with a cement block or baking soda,vinegar and a turkey
baster. Three or more could be complicated. Now, we dont suggest the
old-fashioned method (see Page 545 paragraph 44 under Kitten
Dispatching for details) because you can never be sure that they wont
float -and that can just be messy - especially if the authorities get involved.
This old standard should be modified to include a metal mesh bag and power
source to ensure proper dispatch - be sure to purchase citronella candle
to hide the smell. However, it is currently the stance of the EGA to have your
pet spayed or neutered (waving the beloved pet's severed genitals before
its face and laughing maniacally before sacrificing it to The Dark Unholy
Q: Im just not sure, is Evil really for me?
A: Why, of course! Evil is basic to all humankind. Its
a lot of fun and can be a great moneymaker! From the tiniest child stealing
jolly ranchers from the 7-11 to Pinochet, evil surrounds us, penetrates
us, it binds the universe together. Once you start down the dark path, forever
will it dominate your destiny... So, yes! It is for you! Embrace it!
Q: I have Mormons at my door, what should I do?
A: Invite them in. We love Mormons! Serve them only fresh
spring water in clean glasses while subtly leading them over to the hidden
pit. Preparations: Make sure to have hinges cleaned and oiled regularly
or you could have an embarrassing situation on your hands. Always keep a LOT
of paper towels on hand, save the excess garments for Jehovah's Witnesses
recycling drives. (Also see page 293 under Why we love Mormons).
This revised standard has also opened the options on pits: pits of acid, sharks,
Kool-Aid and the French. Please use whatever killing medium you have handy
and dont be afraid to indulge yourself. A death pit is only as good
as your ingredients and you really do get what you pay for. Oh, and make sure
you have plenty of ear plugs ready, sometimes it can be difficult to sleep
through the weeping. Be firm, tell it to spread the lotion on its skin, and
walk away - dont keep dogs nearby.
Q: Im thinking of a career in politics, should
I do it?
A: Absolutely. Evil does best when on top of the food chain.
A governmental position in high office can be just the thing to sow discord
and confusion among the masses. Political evil can come in many forms and
its never out of style. Your personal political views make little difference,
as you must only choose the closest hot button issue to exploit the fears
of your constituents. Since the end of the cold war, finding the most convenient
scapegoat will take some time, but there are plenty of splinter groups and
radicals - conservative and liberal - for you to choose. Wear clean shorts;
keep close track of all genetic material.
Q: Im Jewish, does that mean I cant be evil?
A: No no, no! For Christs sake, no. Since Evil hates
everyone equally theres nothing wrong with a little input from Gods
Chosen People. There are several ways that the Jewish people can capitalize
on evil. (see page 455 par. 33 in Exploiting the Holocaust). On
that note, you gentiles can also chime in with input from the section How
to deny the holocaust without appearing anti-semitic (page 420 par 2).
Being both evil and Jewish does have its drawbacks, however, and one must take special
care not to piss off the Masons or The Pope.
Q: Am I too small and weak to be Evil?
A: No. In fact, many of our greatest Evil forebears were
shall we say, small stature? Your size will come in very handy
by lulling your enemies into a false sense of superiority while you slowly
infiltrate his/her security or home and invent ways of sleeping with his wife
and/or daughter and/or Son. Helpful tips : Bat your eyes a lot, learn how to
look confused convincingly. Say M-O-O-N a lot. Billy Barty, one of our most
trusted and successful agents, was loved by the world and still managed to
pull off an unopposed series of coups that toppled the governments of three
small African countries - to this day the US government is afraid to speak
that mans name - even after his death. Now THATs success! So
cheer up, short stuff, and get crackin!