through E2, I am often reminded of a quote
by John Pilgrim
But it's hard to find good dirty jokes
So as a service to the public
, I will bring forth a
bundle of dirty jokes
. These are jokes that I consider to
in the dirty jokes department. (So you may
know some of them).
Essential? Essential to whom? You may ask. Well,
Fuck You, Clown.
5-year old Jennie and her mother are walking in the zoo
They walk past the monkey
cage, in which two monkeys are
.Oh, what the hell, this IS a dirty jokes
I mean in which two monkeys are fucking
Jennie asks her mother, "What are the
monkeys doing?" and her mother, thinking quickly, answers,
"Um, they're making cakes
They keep on strolling through the zoo, and they walk past
cage, in which the lion is
to bonking the hell out of
"What are they doing?" Jennie once again asks. The mother
replies, "They're making cakes
Soon they find themselves in front of the elephants, where
the elephants are
like there is no tomorrow
. "What are they doing?" Jennie
asks, and her mother replies, "They are making cakes
The next morning, Jennie's mother is cooking
in the kitchen, when Jennie comes in. "Mommy," she starts.
"Yes, sugar-plum?" her mother prompts her.
and daddy make cakes
on the couch last night?"
Well, naturally, the mother is rather nonplussed
she keeps her cool, and asks, "Why, did you see daddy and me making cakes
on the couch last night?"
"No, but I licked the icing
off the upholstry."
Don't give me crap about 5-year olds not knowing
words like upholstry. Which, incidentally reminds me of
3-year old old Joey and Lisa are playing in the
Joey: Lisa, do you want to give me a blowjob in the
Lisa: What's a patio?
But I digress...
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood
is walking through the forest to
Grandma's house. Suddenly a big bad wolf
"Hello, Litlle Red Riding Hood," says the wolf. He stands up
on his hind legs so that he towers above her menacingly.
"Take off your clothes," he commands, "I am going to fuck
Litle Red pulls out a 44 Magnum
. "Oh no you're not," she
says. "You're going to eat
me like the book says."
Joe wants to buy a motorcycle
. He doesn't have much
, until, one day, he comes
across a beautiful Harley Davidson
with a "for sale
sign on it. The bike seems even more beautiful
than a new
one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolutely mint condition
. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller,
"whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
on the chrome
. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend
, Sandra, invites him over to
meet her parents
. Naturally, they take the bike there. But
just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
"I have to tell you something about my
family before we go in. When we eat dinner
, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack
in the middle of the living
is a huge stack of dirty dishes
. In the kitchen
another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs
, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a
word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take
advantage of the situation
. So he leans over and kis
Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles
her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her
, rips her clothes off
her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her
parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered
, her dad is
, and her mom horrified
when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So
he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has
his way with her every which way
right there on the
dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious
and her dad is
, but still, total silence
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder
, and it
starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle, so pulls the
Vaseline jar from his pocket.
The father backs away from the table and shouts: "All
right, enough already, I'll do the fucking dishes!!
wakes up one fine morning and realizes that he
has done everything he could in Metropolis
. There are no
and no more action
, and he is bored
So he flies to see whether any of his buddies need help. He
flies over to Gotham City
and comes across Batman
around in his Batmobile
. Superman yells to him, "Hey
Batman, got anything I can help you with?"
Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything
Superman flies towards that city where Spider-Man
(Chris-O tells me it is in fact, NYC).
He sees Spider-Man lazily
climbing a building, and asks him
if he needs assistance.
"No, it's pretty quiet around here, right now." Spidy
By now, Superman is getting quite exasperated
. Not very
hopeful, he starts to fly back to Metropolis. All of a
sudden, he sees Wonder Woman
lying completely naked
"Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom
down and do her really
quickly, she'll never know what hit her!" So Superman
, does his thing in about 5 seconds, and flies
away, faster than a speeding bullet
Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says, "What
was that all about
The Invisible Man
rolls off of her and says, "I don't
know, but my ass
hurts like hell."
The Lady and The Bartender
A rather attractive woman
goes up to the bar in a quiet
. She gestures alluringly
to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
signals that he
should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she
begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy
"Are you the manager?
asks, softly stroking his face with both
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks,
running her hands up beyond his beard
and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the
barman, clearly aroused
. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him
a message" she continues huskily
, popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently
. "Tell him," she says "that there is
no toilet paper
or hand soap
Professor Murray and his wife went to bed
, but instead of falling asleep like his wife, the professor decided to read
for a while.
Every minute or so, Murray reached over and tickle
d his wife's pussy
. After fifteen minutes of this, his wife turned over and said, "Look, if you want to fuck me, fuck me
, but stop teasing me like that!"
"I'm not teasing you," he replied, "I'm wetting my finger so I can turn the page."
I'll end on this, one of the more classic classics. Chances are you've heard it, but I did call this node Essential Dirty Jokes, (watch it, clown!), so I'm including it.
Daddy, can I borrow the car?
The 18-year old girl comes up to her dad. "Daddy, the prom
's tonight, and I promised my date I'd pick him up. Is it okay if I borrow the car tonight?"
Her father thinks, and says, "Okay, but only if you suck my dick
Naturally, she is shocked, but her father's mind is made up. She really
wants the car. So, resigned to her fate, she get down on her knees
and starts doing the deed. But after about 2 seconds, she looks up in disgust, and says, "Daddy, your dick tastes like shit
"Oh yeah, that reminds
me," her father replies, "you can't have the car tonight; your brother's borrowing it."