A collection of engineering / physics / chemistry / mathematics related jokes I've heard over my years as a student in Mechanical Engineering. Caution: if you understand any of these, you are likely a giant nerd. The first is my favorite, but also probably the nerdiest.
x and ex were walking down the street when they saw a derivative up ahead.
"Oh noes!" cried x, "I've got to get out of here, that derivative will be the end of me!" and runs off, fearing for his life.
"Ha," says ex, "that derivative can't do anything to me, I'm ex!"
So ex walks up to the derivative with a smug smile on his face and says, "Hi! I'm ex!"
The derivative smiles back and says, "Hi, I'm ∂ / ∂y!"
A man in a hot air balloon saw another man on the ground below him. He descended such that the man below could hear him.
"Hello there! Could you help me? I've promised to meet a friend but I've gotten lost. Could you tell me where I am?"
The man looks up and says, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet off the ground. You are currently between 46 and 47 degrees north latitude and 84 and 85 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the man in the balloon.
"I am," replies the man from the ground, "How did you know?"
"Well, while what you've told me is technically correct, I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I am still lost."
"You must be a manager," says the engineer.
The balloonist blinks. "Why yes, I am," he says, "How did you know?"
"Well," says the engineer, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are with a lot of hot air. You make promises you can't keep and expect people below you to solve your problems. In fact, you are in exactly the same situation as before we met, but now, somehow, it is my fault."
Q: How many Human Factors Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They simply redefine the industry standard to darkness.
A chemist, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are riding in a car together. All of a sudden and without any apparent explanation, the car comes to a stop.
The electrical engineer says, "There must be a problem with the electronics," and starts to open up the fuse panel.
The chemist says, "No, no, there must be a problem with the fuel line."
At this point, the software engineer starts to get out of the car. "Where are you going?" ask the other two.
The software engineer gives them a puzzled look and says, "Well, all we have to do is get out and get back in."
Three engineering students were sitting around discussing who could have designed the human body.
"It must have been a mechanical engineer," says the first, "The system of muscles and joints work so perfectly together."
"No, no," says the second, "It was an electrical engineer. The human brain has millions of neurons firing electrical connections throughout the body."
"You're both wrong," says the last student, "It was an architect. Who else would design a toxic waste line running through a recreational area?"
Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
An atom was walking along when he accidentally ran head long into another atom.
"Oh my goodness, are you alright?" asked the atom.
"Yes, I think so," said the other atom. "Oh wait, I think I'm missing an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Oh, I'm positive."
Props to wertperch for this one.
An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician were on vacation in Scotland. From a train window, they saw a black sheep in the middle of a field.
"How interesting", observed the astronomer, "all Scottish sheep are black."
To which the physicist replied, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"
The mathematician gazed heavenward, then intoned, "In Scotland, there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
Courtesy of Hazelnut:
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are locked in cells with a tin can and asked to get it open (the can) by any means necessary.
So the engineer does it after 10 minutes, and when asked how, he says, "Easy, I just beat the can until its failure point and there it is."
Then the physicist comes out and says, "I just had to apply the right force in the right direction and it popped open."
But after three hours, the mathematician is nowhere to be seen. So the other two peer into his cell and see the mathematician staring intently at the can, chanting, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."
Thanks to Major General Panic:
Q: What's the difference between C and C++?
A: C gives you the rope to hang yourself, C++ gives you the standardized tree structure to tie it to.
Transitional Man sez:
One engineer was walking out to the plant when another
pulled up in front of him riding a brand new mountain
bike. He was surprised at the new toy, and asked how
the first engineer got it.
"Well, it was the strangest thing," he said. "I was
just walking along the street and this beautiful
redhead rode it right in front of me, stripped off all
her clothes and told me I could have anything I
"Good choice!" said the first engineer. "The clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
These are great! Keep sending me jokes, and I'll keep adding them to the list!