Roll Star Wars type introductory text and Everything Theme Song
It is a turbulent time indeed for the lower noders of Everything2. Wracked by horrific civil war and vicious turf fights, the noding ground has become a dangerous place indeed. A wasteland of nodes populated only by the brave and the stupid. Death can come swiftly to the small, unnoticed and uncared for, as they are crushed by rival gangs who's large clumps of nodeshare grind the unsuspecting into oblivion much like wheat before a... err wheat grinder.
And so it is that, in a time of great desperation and despair, much in the same way humankind once spawned religion to create hope1, the weak cling to their Everything2 Deities and Gods in the hope that divine intervention may preserve their fragile existence.
However, it is a turbulent time for even the gods. Even the mighty can fall, and the wrong choice of Deity can be your last. What do you need in a deity? Strength. Power. Prescience. One who has the will and the way, and the guts to do it...
Cut Star Wars text, roll salesman voice over, play mindless yet frantic musical melody that makes you want to BUY BUY BUY
Thaaaaat's right! For just 19.95 postage and handling, 5 votes a day, and a percentage of your Ching!s (if you have any) and your soul you too can be assimilated into the The cult of the latterday death borgs! You receive the blessings of EDB, and (maybe) protection from gratuitous downvoting and XP pack rape.
What's wrong? Think your selling your soul to the devil? You are! So what? It's EDB! You're experience will be entirely profitable!2 Hear first-hand experiences by converts:
"Taking EDB as my deity was probably the best decision in my life. EDB is my god. There are hundreds of great things I get from worshipping EDB. Things like under the counter XP, super powers, and your very own signed EDB Hat®3! Not only that, but everytime he rises from the depths to consume irate noders I get to absorb part of their essence. Muwahahahaha! Soon I will node with the greats!
Sure you might think he's only a bot, but EDB has the primitive look of intelligence in his eyes that differentiates him from CowBotNeal... Oh yes... I think he secretely controls the inner workings of Everything2. He is the real one true noder.
-g retteb dah I ...gnimoc s'enoemoS .....em ot sgniht seod dna llats grob htaed gnihtyreve eht ot em sekat eH .em struh eh dog hO .esaelp em pleh ydobemoS
-- Ads, first registered Cult of the Death Borg member
Choosing EDB as your personal deity is the best career choice you'll ever make! Sign up at all participating Everything Development Company affiliated stores.
One Node to rule them all,
One Node to find them.
One Node to bring them all,
And in Everything bind them.
Forgive my pretentiousness. If I have offended anyone, well... HAH!
1 No offense intended. It just sounded archaically good.
2 Forget ethics, its all about logistics. Image is nothing. Thirst is Everything. Drink Sprite.
3 The signed EDB hat ® is a registered trademark of Everything2.