(on a sign taped to the toaster)

DO NOT use the toaster. It will CATCH ON FIRE.

You see, I suck at cooking. I even suck at toasting. I'm getting better though ...

One morning long ago, I had put a pop tart in the toaster and turned it on. Someone had set it to "light" so when my pop tart popped up, it was not golden brown. I, of course, set it to "super-duper high" and re-toasted my pop tart. When it popped up the second time, it was on the verge of being black, and it was smoking.

Pieces of it were flaking off and dropping back into the toaster, where they were smoking even more. The pop tart was approximately 2000 degrees, and I could not grab it with my bare fingers. I decided I needed to act quickly, so I grabbed a paper towel (genius, I know) and attempted to rescue the pop tart with it. I got it a few inches up, then the heat came through the paper and I dropped everything back into the toaster, where the paper towel immediately caught on fire.

Shit! I grabbed a fork and tried to pull the flaming pop tart and paper towel from the toaster, but was only successful at getting small parts of them. After running around the kitchen waving my fork in the air and yelling at the dog, the fire seemed to burn out on its own (Thank God).

Which is why I was forced to leave the sign.

Do not toast paper towels. It doesn't work well.

Oh, and DO NOT put whole eggs in the microwave. Trust me on this one.

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