I rode in a police car for the first time ever today. Hopefully the only time. And it wasn't because I was under arrest, I'm very proud of myself for that one. Kimonade ran out of gas right on the middle of a street on campus (on the way to get gas, go figure) and it's bitter cold. I got some girls from my floor to give me a ride to the gas station where I got a gallon of gas to put in the damn thing. We had to go to three different gas stations before we found one that sold gas cans. I was astonished, I thought that all gas stations sold those things. It should be a law.

So I come back and Kim is sitting in a police car. He stopped and let her sit in the car so she could be warm. He was nice, as far as cops go, I guess. The car wouldn't start. I guess there wasn't enough gas or whatever, so we walked to the nearest dorm and got some random guys to help push the car up the hill, thinking that if it were on a level surface rather than an incline that it would be more likely to start. That didn't work, so the cop drove me to the gas station to get more gas.

So I was left with the pleasant task of trying to make small talk with a cop. I figured that, "Last weekend, when I was rolling really hard at this rave..." was out, as was, "Man, it must suck to be a cop." He did have lots of cool stuff, I asked a lot of, "What's that?" I asked him if he just drove around all night for his shift and he's like "Yeah, pretty much. But I'm a supervisor so (blah blah blah)" Great, we got one of the special cops. Must be a tough job, driving hot girls to gas stations because their roommate ran out of gas. I wish I could get paid to do that.

That's the highlight of this Saturday night, how pathetic is that? Actually, not really, by the time I was done with the whole gas debacle I was freezing my ass off and decided that I didn't want to venture back out of the comfort of my room. I think I'll watch Saturday Night Live, I'm never home to watch that anymore. :)

You would not believe the sheer enormity of my testicles.

Upon first inspection, they really wouldn't seem like much. They are, however, two planets in a blissful stationary orbit around each other.

These are some seriously large cahones. Balls of brass? No thanks. Brass tarnishes. I've got some serious, heavy duty tungsten encasing my scrotum.

Yesterday I was wind on wheels. In 11 hours I made it from New York City to Elkhart, Indiana. But that's not why I'm amazing.

The blowout today occured a few miles before Gary, Indiana. I swore a little (GOD MOTHERFSCKING DAMMIT WHY THE FSCK NOW?) and went about the simple process of changing the tire: find tools, find jack, find spare tire, use jack to lift car, misplace lug wrench, find lug wrench, loosen bolts, get to special "anti-theft bolt", swear, lose bolt key, find bolt key, change tire, face Mecca, put everything back in its rightful place, watch with a renewed sense of irony as the state highway assistance truck pulls up.

So that was Indiana today. Around Illinois it really became apparent that the only proper term for the midwest in winter is "the Ghostlands of America". Mists were dancing on the road. A truck jackknifed in front of me, skidding at some impossible angle into the median. I sighed... sighed... until... adrenaline... into veins... I'M ALIVE! I'M A MAN!

This feeling continues into the subzero weather of Iowa as I watch the wind knock two cars together and then send them skidding off to opposite sides of the road. Ghosts are holding cocktail parties on the interstate. As I pass 31 (thirty-one!) skidded, abandoned, or overturned cars, one ditched Greyhound bus, a horizontal tractor trailer and an upside-down motorhome, I can't help but feel as though I'm a champion of the road, screaming through the expressway of the afterlife at 75 miles an hour, ready for anything. The winds pick up and I laugh. I can barely see the cars as I pass them. This is nothing. I am merely invincible.

I start to come down as I enter Omaha, Nebraska, my rest stop for tonight. Only 8 hours on the road, but I've got this taste in my mouth and a sudden pit in my heart and...

I just need to rest.

I'm tempted to find the number of Conor Oberst (of Bright Eyes fame) just to kill the time, but that would be a little weird (and he's not listed anyway). There's a badass comic shop here, but I get there just as they're closing. So it goes.

Still I feel as though I'm invincible. I spend most of tomorrow on deep Nebraska state roads, probably at a more sane rate of speed. Don't wish me luck, for I don't need it. Don't wish me the grace of God, for I already have it.

Wish me, however, some modesty, because I'm about a quart low, motherfucker.

Halfway to Reno, kids. It's not the destination: it's always the journey. Proof of this is the sunset that appears at just the right moment, turning a ground blizzard a brilliant orange, turning the road into foggy fire. I've felt more alive today than I have in years. This is tension and danger, and I can see why people get addicted to it so easily.

The real pisser about today, however, is I have this bed that's roughly the size of Alaska and no one to share it with. Seriously: the first three or four Everything chyx who can make it to Omaha tonight can crawl in. Hell, who am I to discriminate? Anyone in Omaha, I'm at a Clarion off of I-80, room 526. Limited time offer. Not valid with any other coupon. Void where prohibited. etc. etc. etc. forever and ever amen.

i'm so confused again. i was so happy about being single. i was single by choice for the first time ... ever. i even had a fellow who wanted me that i didn't want to prove it. but what the hell does that say? i can hold him up for show and pretend that i'm happy? what kind of bullshit is that?

ok so i am happy to be single. it's a good thing. but i stopped very suddenly today. literally, i stopped. i stopped everything. the semester was over. my application was in. i'm done. ... so now what? now i sleep and sleep and sleep. because i can't think of anything better to do. and i wonder if i might have a slightly better time in someone's arms. i miss it a little. i miss him. i miss the other him too. i wonder what could have happened. i wonder if there's another him out there somewhere too. and i am so hideously tired of one night stands. i love them. one night stands are fantastic. but doesn't it get old? what do you do with sex?

i watched a really nice little romantic comedy with ed norton (I LOVE ED NORTON) who reminds me a little of someone i know and now i wonder what could have happened with him if he lived anywhere near here.

i hate being so fucking useless!!! and i don't know what to do with being so fucking happy and so fucking sad.

i spent the evening with a good friend of mine, and i haven't been lacking for company. but i haven't honestly connected with somebody in a real way since i met him a few weeks ago, or since i said goodbye to him a long time ago before a long drive home.

so i'm left here again daydreaming and writing like shit and wishing i could do something about all the ways i want to feel something and wanting somebody to talk to that i could love and thinking about goddam ed norton of all people because he's my new celebrity crush and damn i need something to feel about to make this all feel a little less sad.

so how sad is that?

i miss. i don't know what. but i miss it very very much. sigh.


Well, here it comes: No, I didn't sleep this night. Many reasons. Mostly because I was just not sleepy at 5 o'clock, so I thought that this life "at the border of the darkness" would not be solved with sleep. Mostly because I would wake up at 15:00 or so and would not catch the train. Or something.

The night offers weird stuff. Coffee (and when drinking it I felt more drowsy, weird), porn movie reviews (strange, I didn't knew anyone would bother to review them =), 100% packet loss, home-made music videos, philosophical thoughts...


Well, I did sleep this night. From 7 to 11 in the morning. =) And I'm really, really hungry and there's nothing to eat here...

Time to do some stuff and then head to the train.


Well well, the Stuff is done; Now I just wish I will be able to do even more stuff before I will get to the train...

I had a nap in the noon and that helped a lot.

This daylog will be continued if there will be Substance to do so. Otherwise, consider it done. I may node more today, but thou shalt not count on it... Time to go to Kuhmo and node stuff with real the computers.

Other day logs o' mine...

I've been in a weird mood this week...

I guess it's all about the self-contemplation; finding the real from the fake in an odd sort of way. I really do feel like I'm about to truly go into a better period in my life though... new car, new school (hopefully), new major... even a new someone that I'm actually a little interested in, and finally not scared off from after the first date or so.

For probably the first time in my life, I am enjoying being single. But suddenly, it hit me today... yeah, this guy really does make me giddy, and it's pretty pathetic the way I'm acting like a little schoolgirl again. Only a minor problem... he lives about an hour and a half away from me. How does it seem to happen that I always really like the ones who live far away? Oh bother. The ball is in his court now... I refuse to act desperate this time!

In other fun news, my best friend in the world is home from school, and we've had a blast the past few nights getting together and laughing about absolutely nothing. Okay, I admit, I'm highly attracted to females every now and then, but she's the only female I've ever really been in love with... this girl is something amazing.

All in all, having fun and learning some interesting things about myself... again, don't be alarmed if I disappear to some remote location for a long period of time.
Today is my birthday. I'm one of those people that always look forward to their birthdays, and I like it to be something of a special, "big deal" type of thing. It's presently about 1:30 a.m., but on the real night of my birthday (in about 15 hours) I get to have a party. For now, I've been looking forward to doing this day log, so here goes.

Birthdays are a neat opportunity. Sure, there's the instant gratitude of having a party and getting presents, which is cool enough in itself. In the past few years, I've become more thoughtful and deep, and thus look further into rituals like holidays. I've kinda been prompted by non-celebrating Jehovah's Witness friends to think about why I celebrate my birthday. It's a milestone. I like to sit back and reflect on the past year, and what I expect in the year to come. I do this moreso on my birthday than New Year's Eve. I thank my mom for giving birth to me, and I thank God for "giving" me another year.

It's my golden birthday this year, meaning that I'm turning 17 on the 17th. When I was younger, I read some obscure fiction book that mentioned the idea of a golden birthday, and I clung to it. 17 has always been my lucky and favorite number. I can recall thinking about how far off being 17 seemed, trying to imagine what I'd be like, and how cool it was that my golden birthday was in the year 2000 (that year just sounded so cool). My childish innocence, and reaching this point that had seemed so far off, and being able to see R-rated movies legally now (lol) all make me feel old. Sure, I know that I'm still quite young and have many years ahead of me, but that feeling is still there.

I can't wait to see what happens in the next year. This is a hectic, stressful, changing, yet very wonderful time in my life. The whole idea of "potential" is exciting. Good relationships with family, friends, and a SO help the hours, days, months, and years pass.

back | days | forth

Morning, Pain

Bidding farewell to fondue after the latest London noder meeting and catching the Northern Line tube to Waterloo station didn't really prepare me for the rest of the evening. In much the same way I normally don't like to claim victory until the last move, I shouldn't have thought I was home and dry until I was lying in bed. Firstly, getting into waterloo , there were a lot of people milling around; it seemed that everyone was rather angry, their previously happy drunken states heightening their anger and frustration. Almost as though to taunt us, the new modern plasma television screens just showed test information. Thankfully the old flip boards were still working, but I would rather have had better news than that which they showed me; many, many trains were cancelled or delayed. My slightly drunken state lending an edge to the fear beginning to grip me, I frantically scanned the boards, looking for my home town. I live on a main line from London to the South Coast of England, so I am always assured of a train. And so, yes, I found a train, leaving over an hour later than I had hoped, but a train nonetheless. Unfortunately, this train was also going to serve a whole bunch of people whose more local journeys had been cancelled, so the train was going to be packed full of drunk, tired and angry people.

So, yes, I was stuck on a train with a whole bunch of angry smoking drunks, I was feeling the beginnings of a stress headache and I was in a crap seat that didn't allow me to stretch my poor, recently operated on leg out. So, by the time that we slowly pulled into Basingstoke station, I was not a happy bunny. In fact, I was looking forward to getting a taxi home and falling asleep to the comforting, beautiful voice of my fiancee. But no, there were no taxis or buses running from the town centre. I tried four different taxi firms, 3 said no cabs until 6am, 1 said yes we can get a cab to you in 3 hours time. So I had to walk home, about 5 miles, on a bad leg, in the misty, cold, early morning fog. The last mile, I think, must have hurt me more than the rest. It began to get harder and harder to walk; by the time I got home, after goodness knows how much walking, I could hardly pull my boots off and get upstairs. I left an message on my beloved's answering machine, then fell asleep.

Waking up, all the chores and cleaning I had planned has been thrown out of the window; I can hardly walk because of the stabbing pains up and down my left leg, the left knee seems to have seized up completely and the ankle feels as though I have sprained it at the very least. And the doctor's advice? "Put some ice on it and rest for a couple of days" Wonderful! Who is going to finish off the decorating? Who will do the christmas shopping? Who will tidy my house up?

Apologies for those who expect a deep, introspective daylog where I hold my soul up to the light for all to see. Today, I am in rant mode :-(

I like the rainy days. Somehow, they seem more real. Hard drops tinking off the glass. I raise the window and let the sounds of life come in.

I like the rainy days. Days like today. An unexpected bolt of warmth and lightness in my step. How could you possibly be sad on a day like today.

I like the rainy days. Like using [fiver optic|fiber over copper, thoughts seem to travel unimpeded. These days, they make me stop and think.

Overcast skies with moving clouds, I wake to thoughts of you. Bundled up, with beasts in tow, I open up the door. Warm, wet, windy air rushes in my lungs. My parka unexpectedly too much.

Hair blown back, revealing smile, as the rivers weeds bend and sway. Ducks, geese, and tiny raindrops, sometimes there, and sometimes not. The snow is gone and melted. Icy, hard, slippery concerns replaced with safe, but muddy, ground.

There is life here, in this little strip.

And there is life here, in this glowing heart.

Today is a day for reflecting. I wonder why I have been so blessed. I have friends I love. I have lovers who have somehow remained friends. I have shoulders to cry on and people who trust me enough to use mine. Mostly though, I think about the past few days: reminders of self worth, physical pleasures, and consequences.

I like the rainy days. They make the thoughts more clear.

I am still here. I will still be here if you want me. But, I can't say for how much longer.

I have spent the last three weeks taking exams and falling in love.

what's happened since i've been gone? i got three /msgs snidely correcting minor factual points.
apparently, our sensei has fallen ill. may god watch over him.
and not much else, it seems.

I've, as I said, been busy playing with the new girlfriend and working on exams and programs for the not-so-benevolent university. I've also accepted a job offer at the benevolent corporation, and am fairly content with all that's been going on. I've gotten my christmas shopping done, started going to church again, and have generally tried to improve mine own life.

in a week, i'll be in florida, visiting grandma!

Today, my son was born

At 08:52 PST, today, December 17, 2000, Simon Robert Grisinger entered this world. He was an amazing (and painful for mother) 10 lbs, 4 oz and was 22 inches long.

Of course, he is undoubtedly the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen. Ellen is doing well, although she hurts, and I'm just beside myself with excitement.

It's not that I feel particularly productive

I did 4 loads of laundry today, and got completely caught up on it for the first time in months.

I cleaned my room for the first time in months too.

My personal living space is looking rather well, but the rest of the house is still plagued by a rather perplexing problem:

We have more stuff than we have places to put stuff.

Hmm...reminds me of the George Carlin bit.

The house is perpetually in disarray. Piles of things move from one location to another, and never find a permanent home. Three men live here who have conflicting schedules, conflicting [taste|tastes} in food, different ideas on decorating and organizing their belongings, and other small inconsistencies. We all get along great, but there is a constant underlying tension caused by the fact that underneath this friendly relationship, we're all eating at each other. Or maybe we're trying to bury each other in our own refuse. Or maybe both. We consume and shit each other out on top of each other all at once.

I need to get out of here. I need to be in a place where I am not subjected to the constant invasion of other people's things.

I don't want to live with other men again.
9:47 PM

I woke up at 7am and went to work for a couple of hours. All I needed to do was start some servers. I could have probably done that from home... On my way back, I stopped by the gym for about one and a half hours, since I had not been there in two or three days. I had been busy on thursday and friday and saturday I was too tired from staying up all night.

I went back home and went to sleep until around 5 pm. I went back out and picked up some chinese food and then played Worms for a couple of hours until the Simpsons came on.

I guess after two and a half days of fun and excitement, I feel very bored and isolated today. I was just thinking about going to see a late movie, but the last show has already started for anything I'm interested in. I dunno.. I need to do something; I've only got 2 hours left in this weekend.

I'm going into work early tomorrow since I have to leave early to go to a Limp Bizkit/Godsmack/DMX concert in Fort Lauderdale. I've never been to a music concert before, so this should be interesting.

Sara is going to be gone for a week while she's up at her parents for christmas. I'm not sure what I should do next. She seems at least a little interested in me, and we have been on an arranged date together. The problem is that I still barely know her, so I feel uncomfortable with being too forward with her just yet. I was watching for any signals from her on Saturday when she came by my apartment while we were having our LAN party, but I didn't really see anything good or bad. I was very sleep deprived at the time though, so who knows. She has some nice pictures from our christmas party that I'd like to get a copy of. I especially liked one picture that was taken of the two of us, and I usually don't like pictures with me in them. Maybe I should invest in a scanner so I can get copies without having to take them somewhere.

I still need to decide what to get my family for christmas. I really hate this whole thing. I wish we could just mutually decide not to get anything for each other. I don't know what they're interested in anymore, and I really don't need any more weird decorative stuff to find a shelf for in my apartment. Maybe I'll go call them and find out what's going on.

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