Alert, SpongeBob SquarePants fans! Right now at Burger King, kid's meals contain a SpongeBob toy that's free ... and utterly, completely wrong.
On superficial examination, you'll see it's a soft, smooth stuffed fabric toy that is a decent representation of His Spongeness. It's about 4" by 2.5". Toy SpongeBob is a bright yellow, and his joyful, gap-toothed, oogle-eyed expression is equal parts kindergarten excitement and crack addict mania. In other words, the toy is already skipping merrily down that line between "fun" and "creepy".
But wait! There's more.
You'll notice his tie. Or at least you think it's supposed to be a tie -- it's a stiff, red doohickey with a pointed head that sticks up from his midsection at a 45° angle.
Now you're cursing yourself for having a dirty mind. It's a kid's toy, you pervert! This hard little phallic fabric thing must be a tie.
Then you decide to pull his tie. It's attached to a string. You pull it out all the way, about 6 or 7 inches, and let go.
SpongeBob is vibrating!
If you set vibrating SpongeBob down on a table, he will scoot around on his butt in a little circle.
If you set vibrating SpongeBob down in front of your cats, one will pounce on it and the others will run away in abject terror.
If you put vibrating SpongeBob in the hands of your friends, they will giggle hysterically for a moment before saying incredulously "You got this at Burger King? They're giving this to young, impressionable children?"
Indeed they are. And it's free!
I encourage all you noders out there to get your very own vibra-Bob while supplies last.
This toy is made in China of all-new materials. It is not supposed to be given to children younger than 3 years. The exterior and stuffing are polyester, plus a piece of cardboard to improve the scootability of SpongeBob's butt. It is rated for surface washing only -- don't throw SpongeBob in the washer and expect him to come out in one piece. If you wanted to remove the vibrating plastic mechanism, it would be pretty easy to do so by splitting the seams on the toy's midsection.