Hello there. Didn't go to sleep just yet. Just can't stop noding I guess... ;)

break told in yesterday's logs about backing up his E2 work. I think that's a great idea and so I'm doing it too...

Also rediscovered my old Universal Dictionary of Penguins today! I've created a new node for it. There's an old node by me on the same subject but it's old, lame and I've asked to nuke the node.

That's about it for now. It's sleep time, catch you later!
Well, spend most of the day sleeping. Almost forgot I had an appointment with my sister: had to make a backup of her documents on my brother's computer... Sheesh, windows 95 ... !!! (fill in your favourite expletive)

When I got back in Leuven, I forgot it was Marktrock so no parking space. Not even on the private parking lot of my appartment. Grmbl.

Time for my August 14, 2000 writeup now. Bye!
Just the way I felt today
Tell me why, I don't like Sunday,
Tell me why, I don't like Sunday,
Tell me why, I don't like Sunday,
I want to shoot,
The whole day down.

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And nobody's gonna go to work today
She's going to make them stay at home
And Daddy doesn't understand it
He always said she was as good as gold
And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reason
What reason do you need to be shown ...

Tell me why, I don't like Sunday,
Tell me why, I don't like Sunday,
Tell me why, I don't like Sunday,
I want to shoot,
The whole day down.

I just hope it's Monday again, no more reason to be bored. (especially because today is the 13th !!)

I am.. so, so sorry. That is all I can think to say to you is that I am just sorry for being so selfish and stupid, sometimes I cave and what spills from inside of me is nothing that I'd normally let anyone see. This can be viewed as both good, and bad. I drank.. so much tonight. So much. More than I've ever had. I didn't like it, I didn't want to do it, and I am not happy that I did for the the most part.. but it had to happen, if only because I am so terrible at letting anyone else help me that it just can't happen until something sets it off. I can not bring myself to "whine", to tell people how truly awful I'm feeling about myself or anything in my life sometimes. I didn't want to burden anyone.. the alcohol encourages tears that needed to come so badly. And she listened.. to everything I said, she listened and I felt so amazing after letting all of that out of my head. It was driving me crazy. But.. I am sorry. I am sorry that I didn't think of you. I didn't know.. I had no idea how it might make you feel I didn't even think about that, and you've no idea how much I beat myself up over that tonight. It hurt crazy amounts that you didn't want to talk to me while I was like that, and moreso because I wouldn't have wanted to talk to me either.

Good things came of tonight, despite the strange way in which it all commenced. My mom knows about Marc now, and I'm very happy about that because it had been immeasurably hard for me to let that out to her for fear of judgement mostly. Also, basically everyone knows now, I suppose. And then there was that whole issue of bottled up emotion that needed out so badly.. in the future, I'll find other ways to let it out. Alcohol is destructive, if not to me, to others, and I care too much to let it happen again.

The most amazing night I've ever had despite it all. I talked to my best friend about everything, she was great, it was exactly what I've needed for some time.. and then.. we wandered outside and layed with a blanket and pillows on the front deck. After talking there for a while, I had the urge to sprawl out on the driveway.. so I did. Just like that. And we saw the big dipper, though I couldn't find the small.. we just stared up at the sky. She brought the blanket and pillows out to the driveway and we layed there staring up at the stars. We just had the neatest conversation. I wouldn't change this night for the world, even if it was off part of time.

I am so sorry masu.. don't discount me as a semi-neat little human. I really do not do this often. It just happened. Please accept my apology along with the knowledge that I actually care enough never to do that to you again.

I love you Kristen.. crazy amounts. Thank you.

You.. well, you, you know that I think the world of you and I know how lucky I am.. oh I surely do. I am so.. well, I'm amazed that you could love me, so glad that you do.. I adore you beyond all else, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but it's true. I just want to lay on the ground in the night with you like I did this evening, and stare at the dreamy sky.. cuddle up with you, watch the world around us. Sometimes I wish I could just hide you, because I'm so sure someone else will notice how incredible you are and steal you away from me before we even get the chance to just be.. I love you, so much..

I am dehydrated to a point, I am tired, so achingly tired.. I'll wander off to bed shortly, my mind filled with thoughts of you..
Sometime after midnight, EST

Another excursion to the coffee house. On the way there, a car hit me from behind, the same way the only other accident I’ve been in happened. I was crawling forward waiting for an opening to make a right on a red light, and the guy behind me thinks I’m taking off and hits the gas without looking to see if I’m still fucking there. Last time, it was a giant truck that mangled the shit out of my trunk and scared the hell out of me. This time, it’s just a nudge really, a little paint scrape, that’s all. Barely phased me. The guy was a nice (hell, the fact that he actually pulled over made him nice in my book) Pakistani gent with his family, and we traded phone numbers so I can hit him up for a check later. Probably won’t cost that much, especially since my father is tight with people at the car dealer. Still, I’m pissed. It’s the principle of the thing. For years, I’ve gone (with the exception of the fender bender with the truck) accident free, and now a brand new car, one month off the lot, and I get hit. Why couldn’t it have been the shitty hatchback I drove in high school? One of the used Corollas with the rubber bumpers? Nooooo…. Instant karma’s gonna get ya!

The coffee house is dead tonight. I guess the Partridge Family has a big following, but not many have turned out to see the Indigo Girls. (Well, the Indigo Girls if they were in their 20s and called Starfish.) Lots of middle aged couples and their kids for some reason; I guess it’s spillover from the dollar theater next door. I finished Dave Eggers’ book, so now I’ve shamelessly brought along the new Harry Potter tome, on loan from Sylvar. Besides, with all the kids there, I may be the only person in the joint who hasn’t read it yet.

If you haven’t guessed already, the coffee house girl was not there again. I think she no longer works there, and I suspect the place may be under new management, though I have no way of knowing for sure. A lot of the same employees, the same musical acts, just a hunch, really. I hate to inquire about her – that’s asking to be labeled as a stalker. I have her number around here somewhere. I should grow a spine and just call. But I hate using the phone for just about anything, much less something like this.

The couples and kids leave after an hour or so, and the place is nearly deserted, just the employees, a small bunch of older people who know each other, and me curled up with Harry Potter. Not the usual crowd here, but then I’ve been away for a while. Closing time comes too soon, right at the exciting part, when the Goblet of Fire…. Hey, I’m not gonna spoil it – read it yourself!

When I get home, my front door is covered in frogs. I wonder if there is any magical significance to this.
Good greif... I haven't noded anything since July 30th!!! Heck, this is the first time I've been online since August 3rd, thanks to a sprained shoulder- ARGH!!! Well, the wing is out of the sling and it's great to be on the mend.

Quick pregnancy update: Had a level 2 ultrasound last Tuesday. Baby is doing super and our speculation was confirmed- IT'S A BOY!!!
hello everyone out there in this tear-shroaded world

today was more angsty than usual. i'm listening to the cure at the moment, and absorbing myself in this wave of reflection-induced teenage/existential angst. i feel quite stupid really. there is no need for me to feel so pathetic, i could certainly stop myself. is it just neurotic little me, or do others of you out there just need to feel melancholic sometimes? i can exactly describe it... it almost feels as if after i've written a bit of angst-filled prose, drank a bit of red wine and listened to the cure in the excess, i've somehow come a bit closer to answering 'the big questions'. a little bit more amateur philosophy and more black in my wardrobe and i may be on my way to true self-absorbtion. oh dear me.

Good afternoon...

14:15

Well, this morning I got rid of yet another thing I never bothered to update on my home page: My link page. Instead, I downloaded bk2site and messed my bookmark file to a neater form (also doing some cleanup of it just to stay neat). It's way cool, and spared my coding fingers from another huge salvo of Perl. Plus, at least it's now pretty damn easy to maintain it! =)

The new linksite is called "Aroo!", in honor of the first web directory I used and what I no longer use because Open Directory is so much cooler.

About the recent stuff about backing up nodes: Since Everything core can export its database in XML format, or so I've heard, would it be possible for the E2 core to make monthly/every-other-monthly/quarteryearly XML dump of the user's nodes available for FTP, just for that user? For example, if it'd be quarteryearly, I guess the dumping process could be balanced so that different users would get the dumps at different parts of the year and the E2 machines wouldn't be seriously bogged down during dumps =)

Oh yeah: I almost forgot to see the new pix in VCL yesterday... 16 pages of new images, dammit, the artists keep their pace even during the summer. =)

19:51

I made a simple tank picture with Blender. I'll then save it in VideoScape format and see if I'll some day manage to code a loader... Just got to learn some OpenGL someday, dammit...

I also tried mucking around with the Blender's Radiosity and environment mapping but I still just don't understand how to do them. Hmph. I even read the manual page but I still don't get it.

Sometimes I'm so stupid I wish to die...

01:40

Forrest Gump was on TV, but I didn't see it completely. I couldn't get xawtv to work, and my TV is located very conviniently behind my back. =( xawtv complained about lack of frame buffer, so I decided to get Linux 2.2.17. And the damn thing had framebuffer support for my ATI Rage 128, but infortunately it didn't compile. I hate it when this happens...

This part of writeup was written with Lynx using XEmacs, BTW. Nice to see that Everything works nicely with Lynx, thought it could be a bit better. But it works for me. =)

Oh yeah, Linux seems to support your plain old fashioned C64 joysticks. Yay!


Other day logs o' mine...

prev daylog next daylog

Am I supposed to be happy my girlfriend's sister is pregnant? Am I even supposed to care? I used to think she's just a useless bitch who thinks she's God's gift to humanity, but now I really hate her. She used to smoke a box a day. Now she's cut down.

Hooray! She's just so considerate. I admire her for caring enough about her baby to cut down her smoking. It's so difficult to stop, I'm sure. I don't know. I've never quit smoking. Then again, I never started smoking. Stupid habit. Not that I care as long as I don't have to smell it or taste it or see discarded butts all over the place. Go ahead and kill yourself slowly. I'm pro-suicide. I personally think it should be legal to kill yourself.

But when a woman smokes for two - that just pisses me off. So much I can't really find the words to express my disdain. How can a woman risk the health of her own child like that? Jesus! Whether abortion is legal or not, smoking during pregnancy should be outlawed. I don't think anyone should have the right to harm anybody who is so defenseless. I'm probably going to have to see her sometime in the future. I really can't think about looking her in the eye. Just like I would never talk to someone whom I saw kicking a puppy.

I'm all frothed up for the whole day about this, and when I was at a red light, I saw a father and son sitting in the car next to me. The air-conditioning was probably on, as the windows were down, and the father was smoking. So I rolled down the window, and asked them to do the same, and told the son: "You have to ask yourself exactly how much your father loves you if he smokes next to you in the car." Unfortunately the light turned green. I would have loved to stay there for a few more minutes.

16:13 EET

Card arrived and left. We watched a couple of movies (Human Traffic and Heavy Metal to be exact) plus beat eachother sensless on Power Stone 2 and Soul Calibur. That's pretty much it, since he didn't stay for long. My mother naturally made a big fuss about a guest, with elaborate breakfast and all. Heh, I should have ppl stay over more often.

Today I returned to the active ranks of the Arabuusimiehet SETI Team. Yep, I'm wasting my processor time for SETI@Home again. Too bad we're not nearly as strong as we were in the beginning, when we were in the Finnish top3 for a good while. But who cares about statistics (or finding ET), I'm just happy to be a part of the cool project.
I know, lots of the noders (especially the Linux fanatics) don't appreciate S@H. But stuff like RC5 just doesn't fascinate a normal intellectually challenged individual like myself.
Sorry.


To be continued...


Today's Writeups
Tidy Trax

I just woke up,

the first Sunday in my new house, and I realized yet again, that sleeping alone sucks alot. This time I actually rolled off of my bed looking for Stephanie. This is driving me insane, I want to call her, but I know that she does not want to talk to me, so I am stuck in a rut. Totally confused, wondering what to do, not sure how to handle the situation.

Great news however, Allison is coming into town Monday, this is very close friend of mine for the past several years, she lives in College Station, so our visits are sparse. She's always good to get drunk with, of course it's usually me that gets drunk trying to keep up with her. She's one of the only two people who I fell challenge me enough to keep me interested in their friendship, the other is anm and his wife, they only count as one due to their collective intelligence. I'm hoping she will have something good to say.

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow


This would seem to be a common thread today

I am feeling overwhelmed today.

There are so many things that I want to do: Learn to meditate, learn Tai Chi, Get fit, meet a wonderful loving girl, work well, become a good sysadmin, travel the world, get out of debt, write an revolutionary open source application, buy a country house, write amazing nodes and stop procrastinating.

Each of these things and many others just stacks up in front of me. Each one sprouts fangs or shrouds itself in darkness to scare me off. For each personal goal I have so many excuses as to why I haven't done it yet, or why I haven't attempted it. Every time it's someone else's fault, anyone other than me who is preventing me from getting a life. It can never be my fault; society never accepts anything less than perfection. Again, that last sentence; it's society's fault that I'm not a perfect productive loved genius, never mine. It's just too easy to never accept the personal responsibility.

It's easier to write an angsty daylog than to write a well researched, useful and informative node. It's easier to be lazy in my current job than to strike out and work hard to become a sysadmin. It's easier to indulge myself in retail therapy than to restrain myself and get out of debt. It's easier to sit in front of the PC or the TV than to meditate or go to Tai Chi classes.

Sigh

My Mother posted some chocolate and munchies through my letterbox while I was in the bath. For this I thank her, but sometimes I wish I could take the money she has spent on food for me and use it to pay my credit card off.

On a lighter note, Mika Hakkinen won the Hungarian Formula One Grand Prix, easily beating his rival Michael Schumacher.

At the moment, I feel anxious just thinking about work. One of our customers has just destroyed the software installation we put in some weeks ago. If they can't fix it, we'll have to go do it for them in an unpaid goodwill gesture. This means travelling, wearing smart clothes and being tired when I'm really too ill to cope.

Mental Note: All you have to do is start. Everything happens after the start.

What a surprise, the sun was present for precisely one day only and today I am resigned to bemoaning the British weather, packing away my sunscreen for another year and deflating the paddling pool in the back garden.

Still, I managed to spend the morning constructively, pouring through the house accounts (I share a house with 4 others in London and we pay rent into a combined account) and discovering that the weird American divorcee who was inexplicably allowed to move in to the house against the wishes of the majority of tenants owes £1632 back rent!! THE BITCH HAS GOT TO GO!!

Not only does she 'forget' to pay rent but she also brought with her (without prior consent) two fucking annoying cats (I hate cats anyway) whom she allows to eat from OUR FUCKING PLATES.

I had to get out of the house for a while in case I was tempted to strangle her with the washing line that she 'accidentally' snapped in the back garden.

What's more, I recently discovered through a mutual friend (In fact the idiot who moved out of the house who recommended HER to move in!) that she still owes rent on her last place and to him, as well as receiving a phone call last week from her orthodontist angered at her lack of concern over the £200 bill she has neglected to pay for 6 months!

I wouldn't really give a shit if we as a household weren't jointly responsible for the house account.

Oh god, I'm starting to steam at the ears, I gotta go get a glass of water.

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow

Everything Snapshot

Time: Sun, 13 Aug 2000 23:58:22 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 650219 (884 new since August 12, 2000)
Number of users: 17856 (36 new since August 12, 2000)
Number of links: 2951693 (16349 new since August 12, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.415 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.540 links per node
Link to user ratio: 165.305 links per user

New Nodes: [The Cheese Profiler] [Fake words and broken definitions in dictionaries] [Submissions for the "I'd Rather Be Noding" Bumper Sticker] [Amish Friendship Bread] [Edit These E2 Titles] [Glonk] [Cold War Movies] [words in books that you've been saying wrong in your head for years] [Winston Churchill] [i figured it all out] [Do Orthodox Jewish lesbian couples practice "family purity"?] [I'm slipping into pedophilia] [unsatisfied] [Bag Tag] [Indreamnia]

Users Online (34): [Pseudo_Intellectual] [sensei] [dannye] [tregoweth] [N-Wing] [moJoe] [General Wesc] [wharfinger] [prole] [ophie] [hatless] [themusic] [icicle] [Halcyon&on] [Starrynight] [kslawson] [mattbw] [tribbel] [Gorgonzola] [Muke] [Kubla Khan] [Zanth] [TheNastyCanasty] [Slay] [Torque] [fuct] [Luo45] [beek] [LukeyBoy] [core10k] [samhunt] [rwcummings] [Shadow Cat] [LadyChris]

JeffMagnus node count: 4026 (-1 new since August 12, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9434 (3 more since August 12, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.343 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.620%
JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

"Your scavenger hunt goal for today is to count as many people with either Pokemon or Powerpuff Girls merchandise as possible."

Those were the words I gave my brother and his girlfriend while in line for the Raptor at Cedar Point today. We had plenty to count.

While this is our family's annual thrill-seeking trip to Ohio, a friend of mine I know over the internet had never been there before. This amazed me, as he's a coaster nut, and Cedar Point IS the place you go to find numerous roller coasters.

He was there this time. Actually, it was more or less prearranged to meet him there around the Silver Dollar Cafe (Not known for very much besides being a meeting point). Not too hard to spot each other -- we both wore good ol' ThinkGeek merchandise. For the record, I do believe that with his job, he DOES work for bandwidth.

Our suicide trip through the park was a blast, to say the least. Amongst other things, we found a DJ who knew how to fend off hecklers by threatening us with New Kids On The Block music, a DJ who got about a hundred or so people in line for the Raptor to do the Chicken Dance, five billion plushie electric rats of all sizes, and the fact that it's not REALLY worth waiting around for the Summer Spectacular.

Around 10:30, after nailing nearly every coaster there (The Millenium Force WAS worth the wait and the DJ threatening us), we tallied up the scores, revealed the bonus scavenger hunt object (Along the lines of Pokemon, any OTHER mass-marketed anime), realized that, despite MEETING at the Silver Dollar Cafe, we never actually ATE there, and bid farewell to the park for another year.

We got home around 2AM. I was sunburnt all over except on my arms. I now know that there are more vital places to stick sunscreen rather than the arms. My friend got back around 7AM, right in time for work. I have a picture of us on the Millenium Force which I'm not showing anyone.

This is actually quite late, I spent the last week rolling the events around in the old bean and didn't really want to write about it right away.

I spent parts of this day 80-90 feet under the surface of the water in the gulf of mexico, getting my PADI Advanced Open Water scuba certification. The first dive was down to the cabin of a ship that was sunk for the reef project. It was the deep dive portion of the AOW training, down to 97 feet.

We dropped from the boat, into the water about 19 miles off shore. Far enough that I couldn't see land. One quick step from the boat and I was in. Mask adjusted, fins tweaked, then I looked down.

Red light is stripped away underwater, and particulates both reflect and refract blue light back to you - so physics tells us. Physics cannot, however, tell you about a world gone blue, bubbles rushing up to a reflective ceiling. About the weightless feeling of neutral bouyancy with no reference points except for a rope leading down towards the bottom, with divers strung out below you for the three or four stories that you can see downwards.

Erik, our instructor Wayne and myself drifted down towards the rope, more like flying than anything, and swam down to the wreck. At about 80 feet we hit a solid wall of bait fish, stretched as far as the eye could see in all directions. The divers that were below this wall each had a little bubble of empty water around them, and were noticable more for the lack of fish that their own shapes inside these bubbles.

At the top of the wreck where we dropped to our knees to hear what wayne had to teach us, wayne had to turn erik around to look behind us - a 600 pound fish, about the size of a cow, was swimming up lazily through the bait fish, came to within a foot of my legs and stopped. It's mouth could have swallowed my head, prolly would have had troubles with my shoulders, but given the size of it's head, it probably could have cracked the bones in those easily enough. It waited about half a minute then swam off. We spent the rest of the first dive swimming alongside the wreck.

The second dive was down to a span of a bridge that was replaced in Panama city - also sunk as part of the reef project. The bridge was crusted with oysters, swarmed with angelfish and crawled upon by these tiny baseball sized stick limbed black crabs with florescent blue claws. Both Erik and myself, talking about it later, were impressed by the diversity and appearance of the life that we saw on the second dive, knowing that it represented a millionth of a millionth part of the life in that area...

The third dive was short, we hit the no decompression limit time, and we soon had to come back up - as certified divers.

Since sunday I haven't really been thinking about it, just sort of trying to hold on to that feeling of floating in a world of blue, surrounded by things I had never seen before with the wrong set of senses for the environment and devices strapped on to me to allow me to be mobile there. I've been trying to keep that vivid inside me, and justify working on a computer 40 hours a week in alabama. It has not been easy.

it was my 26th birthday.
hell, happy birthday to me.

i don't remember what i did on my birthday.
probably, nothing special.
but, i do remember i was in extreamely bad mood. i was blue.
not because of the fact i lived an another year, but because of my life.
i was in awful storm. mind storm.
now, i'm ok.

so, i should say happy birthday to me.

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