It hit me hard and I didn't expect it at all. It hit me in the heart, as soon as she turned to hug me. We just finished decorating our first Christmas tree as a couple, as an engaged couple who is set to be married in less than ten months, and there I am, I'm supposed to respond to, "I love you!" Instead, I'm standing like a deer in headlights, searching for the words to complete the moment. They were there, but they weren't cooperating. It hit me right in the god damn heart like an enraged bull.

I always wanted this moment to occur, but it was with someone who won't even talk to me anymore. We were so close, so incredibly close and inseparable, but because of a lost chance at love, we lost everything. She was supposed to be my co-decorator, and she was supposed to put the star on the tree. She was supposed to be there, not the woman in my arms. Alas, she's not. She's gone. She's so far gone that I won't even get a card, let alone give her a gift or see her face or share every single moment of this coming holiday season by her side.

I could go on for pages, but I'll spare the details. Marriage is the right thing for us, of that I have no doubt. But every special day like this, you will enter my mind, Kristin. You will be there.