I make my
mother cry often. I was
adopted and my
adoptive mother (my
real mom) and I have always been at odds. My
beliefs,
social life,
sexuality,
success were always issues of contention. Even now with my 29th
birthday upon me she still critiques everything. When I go to see her I see the
disappointment in her eyes. At this point strangers would ask the reason for her dismay. Granted I never finished college,
married against their wishes, had a
daughter too soon, divorced and now
remarried with a newborn. But I have a good job and
family (both of my daughters live with me and are happy) and still the dismay. I hide much about my life from her rarely talking to her because of the
pain and hurt it causes. She would not understand my struggles with my
sexuality or the
lifestyle I have chosen.
I have been through several episodes of
counseling attempting to solve the problems and the conclusion was that my mother was
unable to accept certain things about her life and was trying to use me to fulfill her perceived
shortcomings. The strain on me caused me to have several
nervous breakdowns.
I make my
mother cry often. I am a great
disappointment to her. I almost never followed the path that she had laid out for me and to this day cannot see me for who I am but for who I never became. This was a great
heartache for me and I still
struggle with it. But do I sacrifice my
sanity for hers? Do I even expend the energy
fighting a battle that only ends in
anger?
When I became a father I assumed that I would understand the
disappointment and
sadness my mother feels. But instead the issue has clouded even more. My children will never be as much as I want them to be but the will always be more than I will ever be. That is what I must accept and live with or be in turmoil forever like my mother.