I make my mother cry often. I was adopted and my adoptive mother (my real mom) and I have always been at odds. My beliefs, social life, sexuality, success were always issues of contention. Even now with my 29th birthday upon me she still critiques everything. When I go to see her I see the disappointment in her eyes. At this point strangers would ask the reason for her dismay. Granted I never finished college, married against their wishes, had a daughter too soon, divorced and now remarried with a newborn. But I have a good job and family (both of my daughters live with me and are happy) and still the dismay. I hide much about my life from her rarely talking to her because of the pain and hurt it causes. She would not understand my struggles with my sexuality or the lifestyle I have chosen.

I have been through several episodes of counseling attempting to solve the problems and the conclusion was that my mother was unable to accept certain things about her life and was trying to use me to fulfill her perceived shortcomings. The strain on me caused me to have several nervous breakdowns.

I make my mother cry often. I am a great disappointment to her. I almost never followed the path that she had laid out for me and to this day cannot see me for who I am but for who I never became. This was a great heartache for me and I still struggle with it. But do I sacrifice my sanity for hers? Do I even expend the energy fighting a battle that only ends in anger?

When I became a father I assumed that I would understand the disappointment and sadness my mother feels. But instead the issue has clouded even more. My children will never be as much as I want them to be but the will always be more than I will ever be. That is what I must accept and live with or be in turmoil forever like my mother.