About a week ago, I found out that someone I graduated high school with had died - overdose, the rumor goes. I hadn’t spoken to the kid for maybe three years; would barely consider him a friend. But still, we had grown up together, known each other for at least sixteen years. It’s incredible how close you can feel to someone you expected to never see again.

His family created a scholarship in his memory. What else can you do?

About a year ago, a guy I used to date killed himself. He had told me once, two years back, that he could never tell his family he was gay - most certainly not his parents. His dad would kill him.

I found out he was dead from a heart wrenching Facebook post his dad wrote on his page, about god reclaiming the biggest blessing He’d ever given. I’d guess he never found out. But hell if I know.

I’m 21 and my friends keep dying.

I was talking to a mutual friend about the suicide, four months back. He said the deader had called him once, that he got to talk him off the cliff. Said that he guessed he didn’t call the second time.

His dad posted a very sweet memorial post on the anniversary, four days after the OD. What else can you do?

I find myself questioning the relationships I had with these people - wondering how right my recollections might be, now that I’m the only one with all these memories. I wonder what they’d be feeling, if the situations were reversed. Me, I feel like shit.

My mother gets grumpy after Christmas every year. Her dad died when she was 17 - on New Year’s Eve, no less. Almost 40 years later and she still hates the holiday. I’m wondering if this is how it starts, if January is when my friends die.

These people aren’t my dad. They’re an old acquaintance and an ex. And somehow I still feel like shit, and I feel like shit for feeling like shit. It seems selfish. Some people have such greater claims to grief.

But what else can I do? My feelings are silly. I feel them anyways. Not like the deaders are gonna yell at me about it. Grief is for us, the living, and they’ve all lost their chance to have a say.

I donated to the scholarship, liked the post on Facebook, decided to wake up in the morning. I don’t know why - but it seemed like the thing to do.