f / f

  • Walking to the vicar's with my mouse in my pocket, a woman pulled over and asked if we wanted a ride. We looked at each other and laughed, but thanked her anyway. She shook her head and drove on.
  • Flowers from my mother. There was no card but she had attached a fortune cookie fortune that said Thank you, thank you, thank you.
  • I read the box of "smurf earwax eardrops" while on the phone with someone who was describing the world's most vicious vibrator. As she told me about it, a tv picture fomed in front of me. A woman's hand dropped a vibrator into a massively oversized false vagina. I wasn't sure which one they were selling, maybe both. Both, when switched on, shook and jiggled and tried to fell off the table - the model had to keep recentering it for the camera. It did not look pleasant for anyone.
  • A list of reasons: why sex with a man whose penis you aren't fond of cannot possibly lead to STDs or pregnancy.
  • In prison we only got one cookie. Alice Jean was in charge of the cookies and she was weary, I could see. I tried to hurry the other inmates along - they were all firstgraders. I grabbed a pumpkin cookie and ate it. Christina Rocca was repulsed - it had had a bite taken out of it by someone else. "Just a little one," I said. I went over to the bleachers where we had to listen to a motivational speech.

    My mouse got out of my pocket of course, and went running off. I dared not look for him; having him was against the rules. He was gone. I sat and tried to get motivated to something other and guilt and grief.

    A girl whispered to me. She'd found him, he was safe. I headed over to her seat and a tiny missile shot past me in an arc. I'd never seen him jump so far. The girl had discovered he could do tricks - the best one being to leap an incredible distance and replace some props with some other props, far across the room - I think he was trading a paper doll for miniature pillows. We knew he'd be a huge hit, maybe get me paroled.

  • She was horrible, I hated her. She danced around while I lay on the floor helpless. I could see up her skirt. I couldn't wait to beat the hell out of her.
  • I'd made something for the wedding but the bitchy mother-in-law ruined it. I tried to brush off the dirt and she looked at me pityingly. I wanted to pick purple flowers instead but the men were in the garden, and they were awful too. My kittens were under the table and I picked up the smallest, the size of a mouse. The others weren't letting him get enough food; I was worried he might die.

    Later, I saw one of the awful men holding a cat carrier. Explaining to his son that the kitty "needed to go to the hospital for a while." The kid didn't care much and the father was obviously lying, was going to kill the kitten first chance he got. He tossed the cat carrier across the room like a football.

    Like a football, I said. And a football was in my hand. I strode to the couch and slammed the football into his crotch, over and over. He could not move.