Last night some friends of mine were talking, and I had a lot of fun
with them. This morning another friend of mine tacked on a comment, so I
started talking to him. I found a YouTube video he had recommended, and
I'm not normally into watching lengthy documentaries so I was fidgety
in the beginning. Then the subject matter started intriguing me. Since
it's been nicer outside, I've gotten into the habit of taking a book
outside to read. This past winter a woman I no longer respect told me I
should listen to podcasts when I went on walks.
In the past I would listen to music when I walked. Then I stopped,
and I've come to cherish nature's music. Song birds, the rushing wind,
insects, the snap of a branch, these
help ground and connect me. My mother is a gardener, my mother-in-law
has beautiful gardens, recently I picked up several inexpensive house
plants. Indoor air quality is important to me so I've been opening
windows up, and it saddens me when others can't appreciate how this
refreshes our stale indoor air. My step-daughter uses shampoo and
conditioner that has such a strong scent I get a headache when I go into
the bathroom after she's done showering.
I want people to be free to make their own decisions, I know she
feels put out because she feels that this environment restricts her, but
I also feel that I have a right to breathe clean air. I have to talk to
her about it, and I'm thinking of offering to pay for her to buy
products that are less strongly scented which will be better for her,
better for my family, and better for our environment. Having control is
very important. I don't like taking control away from people, but I'm
not comfortable with the level of destruction she's brought into my
bathroom.
I shouldn't fear talking to her about this. I can explain that these
products aren't doing her any good. I can be calm, and I should be able
to deal with whatever reaction she has. I don't confront people or stand
up for myself because I have this incredible internal anxiety. I'm not
sure where it comes from, but I think part of it must stem from
childhood where we weren't allowed to make our own decisions, and there
were brutal consequences associated with fighting for the right to make
yur own choices about whatever.
To piggyback on the daylog from yesterday, I'm living with people who
are choosing conscious incorrectness. I don't know how to educate and
motivate these people. Living with them means compromising my quality of
life in some ways. I'm frustrated by their attitudes and behaviors. I'm
sure they're frustrated with me, and I want desperately to pack my
things, walk out, and leave the stench of poor decision making behind,
but then I have to ask myself, what if my presence is what these other
people need? My children see their father and half-sister as idols and
role models. I'm not perfect, and there are things I can be learing from
others.
Last night's Journal Talk call was..., I don't really have the right
words to explain how I felt. Learning how to journal has helped me
become a better writer because I'm getting at the deeper root of some of
these issues. Last time I got a lot of really positive feedback, it was
electric, inspirational, and more fun than I can remember having in a
long time. Last Sunday my daughter went to a birthday party. Apparently
she was pretty wild, my friend told me about it later, she said that my
husband said he wondered where my daughter gets that from, and my friend
said that she thinks it comes from me.
After her comment she said that my husband tried to discount her
idea, but then he told Jill some stories about things I used to do.
Having a friend stand up for me when I wasn't there, and hearing that
she was there to show my daughter that there are good qualities about
her mother, that was huge to me. My husband almost never compliments me.
Even when he does, it's usually accompanied by a slight or another
unkind remark. He's an emotional miser, hoarding kindness, and doling
out cutting remarks.
Sometimes I just want to rage at him and others like him. I want to
fly at them, claw my nails into their flesh and hurt them the way that
they've hurt me. I want to exract vengeance for the love they've
withheld from me, and worse, my children. I'd like to take a baseball
bat to stubborn heads and the people who are undermining the health of
my children. I want to call them every name I can think of, run from
them, and never have the putrid odor of their rotting decaying bodies
clog my nostrils again.
But that isn't going to help anything. They're bigger than I am.
They'd hurt me more than I could hurt them, and I really don't think
that violence is the answer. Yesterday I had some problems with the kids
in After School Care. Specifically they were talking when I was
talking, not listening when I called, and quite a few of them had
trouble keeping their hands to themselves. When we came in from outside I
had them sit down, and I didn't raise my voice, but I talked to them,
and I asked them questions like; 'Do you enjoy being frustrated?' and
'How do you feel when people don't listen to you?'
Instead of a craft I handed each of them a blank sheet of paper. I told them I expected
apologies, and I needed to see a plan for behavior changes. Kids who
can't write sentences were given the option to draw pictures. I asked
them if there was anyone who didn't want to be there. I had one student
raise his hand. After I offered to call his parents, he decided that he
wanted to remain in the room with everyone else. I hated doing it, but
it was good for me, and for them. I think they see me as kind of a
pushover. I can be, and it's funny to me that people also see me as
uncompromising and rigid which I also can be.
Taking the parenting class a second time has helped me. I have some
CD's that I need to keep listening to, and I've decided that I'm going
to expand my area of interests. Watching that clip on desertification
was powerful. I realized that in the past I have been selfish, unwise,
and narrow in my focus. I have a very nice yard that just sits there
because I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm slowly gathering
information, plants, and it will probably take a while, but my goal is
to start growing my own food, and becoming more self sufficient.
I have no desire to raise entitled brats, and I've seen positive
changes since I've committed to giving my children more power to make
decisions, and allowing natural consequences to be their teacher instead
of telling them what lessons they should be learning. There's a book I
want to buy at the garden store here in town. I have a problem where I
have difficulty determining the difference between purchases that enrich
me, and indulgences that I later regret. I'm going to revisit that
book, and talk to the people I know about resource materials they might
be able to share with me since I know many people with books on plants
and gardening.
I find being outside therapeutic. I like the idea of using the land I
have to create peaceful, restful, tranquil places where I can go, and
I'm excited to share this love with my children. I'm still mad that my
husband mowed my garden over, and destroyed the raspberries I had
planted years ago. Last year his aunt gave me a few plants, and as much
as I'd love to get divorced, tell him to fuck off, and not have to deal
with my toxic step-daughter, I'm also strong enough to rise to this
challenge as it's not going away even if I no longer live here.
Quick finance update: I made the final payment on a bill I've had
since 2011. I still owe my mother money. I have an outstanding bill from
the hospital, but my credit card balance is now below $10,000 which
made me eager to pay the rest down. Last summer I rode my bike quite a
bit. I'm going to do more of that this year, and that saves me money,
cuts emissions, and reduces how much I spend at the store because I
can't transport as much when I'm biking. I rarely carry money so that
also cuts my spending. It's pretty cold in my home today. I have some
plans, and I'm going to see what I can do to get the proverbial ball
rolling.
Take care,
jess