Once upon a time I saw a meme type image that said; "I see fake people." Possibly this has been true my entire life. People can be superficial authentic, this was an important distinction for me. One week into my new job I'm wondering if this may actually stick. Last night I ate everything in sight. This morning I woke up and started eating again. While I was on the phone with my friend she asked what I was eating. I didn't want to tell her for some reason. We've been friends for about a year now. I tell her things I would not want others to know about me. Today she did the same. I feel as if layers have been stripped away from both of us. When she started talking about her sugar binges I could relate. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a child. But nobody ever talked to me about my unhealthy relationship with food and I'm not sure why it wasn't discussed.
I turn to food in times of crisis to fill that emotional void. I put my fork down and suddenly I was beyond full. I kept talking to her, pulled a bunch of books off of my shelves and then started laying out my clothes in the living room. I wanted to write, I thought it might be therapeutic. Whenever I try to avoid my emotions I turn to the wrong things. I don't want to feel the way that I do so I rely on coping mechanisms that have seemed helpful in the past. Today I read some things from the past. I didn't even remember writing Man holding a beer. I don't recognize that person anymore. The images are seared onto my brain, I no longer own that purse. I gave it to a thrift store and now I miss it. I took a shower and went for a walk. I told myself that I have plenty of time to buy groceries, make food, and prepare for the upcoming week.
Now that I have a desk job I marvel that I wrote as much as I did when I had one previously. Sitting in front of a computer is unhealthy for that amount of time. I've been looking at places of my own and it's scary, but cool too. I read an article about women in abusive relationships and why they stay. It resonated. Today I am a completely different person than the woman I once was. I can't say that I'm better exactly, but I know myself better and there is comfort in that. My last chapter took an unexpected plot twist, I didn't see it coming and I love things like that, sitting down with one thought - to get my mind off of work, home, and other things that weigh heavily on my mind. The sky was powdery and blue today. The houses in the next subdivision are so cold, without personality, I don't know how people can see them and trade hard earned money for them. But once upon I time, I envied them. Exciting things are happening. I'm happy to be where I am right now.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I have a vision of the future, it may not match what actually happens, someone I used to think about is on my mind again, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's unsettling, but I'm trying to just let the feelings be as they will.
P.P.S I love it when people post daylogs. Other writing is neat and important as well, but these small pieces of life as it is viewed from the owner's perspective are precious to me.
j