Previously
Yesterday I had the day to myself which meant I was able to catch up
on my to do list. I've always been a morning person, listening to the
hum of the dryer and swish of the washer was comforting in a homey way.
After the laundry was started I went up and started cleaning the
kitchen. Friday night we went to see my new niece. It's hard to believe
my little sister had a nine pound baby, she was still incredibly small
but unlike my girls she had tons of thick dark hair.
I probably would have gotten more done around the house except I went
on Facebook to see if any pictures of my niece were up. This summer I
met a couple of new friends. I was just about to start the dishes when a
message popped up. Since my friend lives in a different state than I do
meeting up is easier said than done. The past few months have been
difficult for both of us physically. It's hard to remember that last
July we were sitting on the grass by the lakefront cooling down after a
run.
No one at my new job knows me from before. Sometimes this feels like a
mixed blessing. The other day a friend of mine that I used to sit by
told me I looked like the picture of health, that made me laugh because
every morning starts with a cocktail of drugs, vitamins and supplements.
Another friend of mine calls conventional doctors drug dealers. She
relies on God to guide her to wellness and at times like this I think
maybe I should too because at least then the side effects would be good
ones.
During the conversation with my Facebook friend we talked about
alternative medicine. After following the link on my screen I wondered
why I have such a hard time relaxing. I was not quite halfway through my
tea and the video when I started crying. My friend introduced me to a
woman who has already been a tremendous support. Reading online is not
the same as being able to talk to real live people. I hate being scared
even more than I hate feeling crappy all the time.
Naturally I want to focus on myself and the way that I feel however
the people in my family are affected by the events in my life. Today I
missed most of my children's Sunday School service because lying on my
bed was all I had energy for. My girls have been through just about
every version of egg, dairy, gluten free pancakes out there. Now we have
separate pots and pans, different utensils and no one can reach into a
bag of baby carrots or set a slice of bread down on the counter without
worrying about where the crumbs might go.
One website suggested I get rid of my hand mixer, I had to laugh at
that because I am way past the point where I can eat anything that
remotely resembles dessert. The other night we went out to eat after
visiting my sister in the hospital. I couldn't eat the chicken because
it was colored with caramel, the list of ingredients under hamburger
included dairy, wheat and soy, practically every item on the menu had
something I couldn't eat on it so I ate a plate of plain lettuce while
everyone else had chicken and ribs.
Because I have some autoimmune disorders my body starts
malfunctioning whenever I'm exposed to certain foods. Having a damaged
digestive system means that food particles can escape into the rest of
my body. Your body is designed to identify foreign materials and since
the food isn't where it is supposed to be your body recognizes that as
harmful. Each time your body is exposed to that food the reaction is
swifter and more intense. The good news is I may eventually go back to
some of the foods on my forbidden list however knowing when these foods
might be okay is something I'm reluctant to experiment with.
Through all of this I have to be grateful that I know how to cook,
I'm relatively good at research and I had a mother who let me experiment
in the kitchen with different foods. During the week I can't afford to
be sick at work but on the weekends I try to see if there are new foods I
can get into my diet. The funny thing is when I don't feel well I
adhere strictly to my diet. As soon as I start feeling better I'm
tempted to see if there's something I used to eat that I can go back to.
Going through all of this has identified food allergies I never knew I
had, now we laugh about the day I found out I was allergic to kale
however at the time it was anything but funny.
Yesterday a friend encouraged me to start writing about what I've
been through. Entire websites have been devoted to celiac disease
however maybe there is some value in getting this out. The sooner you go
through the denial, rage and bitterness
you can move on to acceptance and healing. It does suck to feel as if
I'm missing out on a lot of things however I'm hopeful that someday I
will feel better and it has been nice to get some new clothes. My job is
one of the high points in my life right now but it makes me sad when I
miss basketball and volleyball games because I work so far from home.
When we were talking about writing my friend told me to write about
the way I wanted things to be rather than the way that they are. It's
been so long since I wrote something light and romantic that I'm afraid I
rushed through it. The contrast between real life and rip tide amuses
me, right now my ankles have been scratched raw, I have bloody scabs on
my lower legs, patches of eczema that I can't see or reach and my
mouth is much better now but when the
skin on my lips started peeling off I was pretty sure I wasn't going to
want to see myself in the mirror.
A couple guys at work have either asked me out or expressed interest
in dating me. I've lost so much weight none of my rings fit me.
I've had them resized once and I'm not going to
have that done again until I know where my weight is going to stay. I'm
never sure what I should say to people, currently I am legally
separated, I want to move out and I want to move on but I have some
financial issues that make staying where I'm at prudent.
The other day my boss said I should go out and meet new people. She's
been a good friend, I really like the other guy in my department, the
girl who sits across from me is also gluten free, I've learned things
from her and she told me she went home and cried after I gave her a
package of gluten free rice pasta and a jar of what I think is pretty
good spaghetti sauce. My former supervisor has a big F. E. up on his dry
erase board. When someone asked if that meant Fuck Everyone he said he
got it from the Bible and it means Forgive Everyone.
While there are people I don't like or respect I've been making peace
with the fact that I'm not going to get along with everyone. This one
woman in particular is making it difficult for our department, I don't
know what her issue is but she has it in for my boss. My guess is she
feels threatened by a woman who is much younger, prettier and
insanely organized but that's just a guess
on my part. I'd like to say something to the people in charge but I
don't want it to seem like our department is whining and for the most
part we do our thing and avoid the troublemakers which is what I would
tell my children to do in similar circumstances.
Now that I've been an E2 user for a couple of years this place is
starting to feel more familiar to me. I've not been in a very social
mood lately so I apologize if I haven't been a very good
conversationalist. I used to come here to hang out and goof around. Now
it seems there is less of that than there used to be however that could
be me and my mood. I am going to try writing more daylogs but I have to
be realistic about my time and energy committments so I'm not promising
anything.
I have really appreciated all the people who reached out to me here
and on Facebook. Words of encouragement and knowing that other people are out there helps. I've made a
lot of good friends here, they are the reason I keep coming back
because I could start a blog and write elsewhere but this place is
already set up to take journal type entries and I already have a free
account that's here whenever I want to use it.
The other day I went to the mall to return something. A couple walked
past me, I turned around and said hello to a noder who normally dwells
on another continent. He introduced me to his new girlfriend, when I
left them they were on the way to the store I had just left. I had no
idea my friend was going to be in town, over the weekend someone broke
into my supervisor's car so I took back the gift I had gotten her
because I figured she could use some cash. The roads were bad, I didn't
want to go to the mall but now I'm really glad I did. Isn't life delicious?