Lately I've been somewhat isolated
from the rest of the world. I've been lost in my own thoughts
, and online
for about 7 hours straight. I sometimes even forget to eat. I can't sleep anymore. When I wake up I stare at the wall thinking, "What's the point
?" My mom sees me and she starts worrying
. One morning I woke up and stared at my wall for about 5 minutes. My mom walks by and sees me and keeps going. Five minutes later she walks by again and I'm still there looking at the wall. She walks into my room and tells me that I'm really starting to freak
her out. I didn't think what I was doing was "freaky," I just stare at the wall when I need to think about things.
Two nights ago I walk into the kitchen and see my mom making dinner. How I wish I could just help her, but she would just say some remark like, "Oh, after all these years now you help me." I've fucked up too much. and now can't think of a way to make things right.
I see her and I say, "Mom, I'm shaving my head, joining the nuclear program in the Navy, and quiting college. And it doesn't have to be in that order." She looks at me and begins to cry. I don't know why I even said it that way. She speaks up. "I don't care what you do anymore Xochitl. I lost all hope for you a long time ago."
I begin to cry and just walk away into my room. Instead of thinking things over I get online and start reading on ocelots. Ehh. I think I've chosen not to care over the years and it's finally come back to me. I do love my mom and wish she could just help me out with choices that I have to be making soon. What my mom said to me really hurt me, but I figure that things I've been saying to her over the years must have hurt her even more. I'm not a very nice person. I'm cold at heart, and I wish I wasn't. I try to be a happy person but I just can't. I just hate seeing her cry. I cause her so much pain. I'm just so confused.