With an eye towards more factual writeups I have begun to explore the RICH heritage of our noble American planet. One of the things I like about our heritage is that it is RICH and NOBLE.

With an eye towards an Academy Award I fumbled with my keys in the lock of my seven bedroom home with the Abu Ghraib style basement. Then I fumbled with my keys getting into my Pontiac (American made automobile DREAM) and again with getting them in the ignition. This all happened months ago.

I went to the library and looked in the BACK STACKS for volumes of secret knowledge (like the Hardy Boys do) and found one on rare species and sat on the floor like a little kid and looked through it for SECRET INFORMATION. I know I am excited but I felt like I was going on an Indiana Jones style adventure and I had a hat to put on my bald head. It was from the souvenir shop at my failed effort to bring a hockey team to be the Baltimore Behrs which is a dream deferred. We cannot have dreams deferred ANY LONGER in this country. So I was going to have mine.

I found a listing for the Burmese Tree Pig, a creature so hideous that there were no pictures. They were described as appearing to be "very large piles of elephant dung" that were coming to life. As if that wasn't unsettling enough, I went on to read about their mating habits.

God is great!

What happens is the lady Burmese Tree Pig climbs into the mouth of the doofy dude Burmese tree pig and when she emerges through the anal release point she is pregnant with another one of these awful things. Like that alien movie with the chick that gets mad at them and comes back with space Marines a few years later or something. That might be two movies I am thinking of that are somehow connected but I don't remember. I'll have to leaf through some information somewhere to find out about that. Is that one movie or two? Does anyone know?

I have to say that I was completely disgusted by this but I had to find out more. There was very little information in this book that was mostly a spiral notebook with words in childlike handwriting so there is some question (not much because I am not stupid) about its authenticity.

Come back to Jesus.

I booked passage on a freighter and took three of my "hostages" to be my servants during the long voyage and subsequent journey into the BURMESE BUSH. We had some trouble finding Burma because there weren't any signs at the port and they all had some other name with a lot of non-vowel words on them. Some guy with brown teeth (not all there) pointed us in a non-specific direction so we went that way and soon were thick in the jungle bush. We were now bushmen and expect to be recognized as such eventually in a ceremony of some proportions. Guaranteed.

You don't want to bring your children or your broads into the jungle because they are afraid of bees. There are bees in the jungle that haven't been taught to respect man and the ways of men. I learned a lot about this as a child. You don't forget the lessons of your childhood especially when beatings with a very heated steel rod are involved. This is necessary to form the perfect human for our reproductive needs as a planet and we must turn the focus away from the environment and poor people and concentrate on reproducing in such a way as we will create a new breed of superhumans on our planet that can replace us eventually so as to be ready when The Borg arrive. This is necessary.

The Burmese Tree Pig is not easy to spot in the dense jungle. It is hard to find your hostages when they are six feet in front of your face. It is loud in the jungle and your manservants cannot hear when you say "Yo! Hostages!" There are hobgoblins and bog monsters in the dense jungle that will eat your face off as soon as they will take your Dairy Queen order. You must paint the world with your song. Remember that breeding with superior mates is very necessary for continued growth of the human race in a direction that will prepare us for the coming invazion and assimilation. We must assmiliate first.

Before long I was faced with what I believed to be a Burmese Tree Pig in a slumber cycle and I walked up to it and jumped on it. This was a mistake I later learned about (or in Burmese it is pronounced "lurned") in a Burmese bar. Before long I found myself in 1952 and I was on a boat with Humphrey Bogart and he said, "I can't wait to let you off my boat. You make me wanna gag on my hat." This was disturbing. Very unsettling in an French kind of way. That didn't last though and everything went black and then I woke up in a Burmese river raft watching some shriveled up lady eating rice from a bag rats were coming out of.

"Can you do that somewhere else?" I asked her politely because my body was so numb I couldn't move to punch her face in.

That was my only encounter with the rare but dangerous Burmese Tree Pig and I hope to go back for another expedition some day but the numbness from this lasted several months (this happened earlier in the year) and I have be cautious with trips to foreign countries and am adopting an "America First" policy about vacationing and Indiana Jones style adventuring. Maybe you will join me soon. I want to have a show like Rick Steves does.