This being the weekend that most Americans celebrate the birth of their nation I thought it might be interesting to take a look out what has become a new tradition here in the States. Something has caught on here and I’m not sure our Founding Fathers had this in mind then they signed the Declaration of Independence way back in 1776.

That something is called competitive eating and unlike other eating contests held at local county and state fairs all around the country the folks who engage in the act of gorging themselves on any number of delicacies take it very seriously. Much like athletes that compete in other sports they go through rigorous training exercises and must adhere to certain informal rules while gulping down massive amounts of food in a short period of time.

I don’t know what, if any prize money is involved in the competition or if the participants just do it for the attention. Either way, it’s a helluva way to make a living.

Here are some “rules” that are generally accepted across the competitive eating spectrum.

Each contest is normally determined over a fixed period of time. That time will vary based on what’s to be consumed during the contest.


At some time or another we’ve probably witnessed or heard about how a chipmunk stuffs as much food as possible into its mouth. As a contest winds down, the competetive eater will attempt to do the same thing and hope to get credit for his or her efforts. The caveat is that the eater must swallow whatever they crammed in their pie hole in a reasonable amount of time after the contest has been declared over. Should they fail to do so, the amount of food will be deducted from their total intake.


This involves dipping the food in water to soften it a bit and make it easier to chew and later swallow. This tactic is mostly used when bread products such as hot dog and hamburger buns are the focus of the competition.


Since food is flying around all over the place, most competitions request that the eater not spew his garbage all around. Judges will often deduct points from the eaters total for excess spewage.


The reverse intake of food whether during or immediately following the end of the competition calls for disqualification. There are no appeals.

Okay, now let’s take a look at some of the mind boggling records that have occurred over the past few years when it comes to competitive eating. Personally, I never knew people could eat this much shit in such a short period of time and when I think about it, some of the stuff and the quantity of it that has been consumed makes me want to gag.

7-Eleven Sports Slurpee - 22 ounces in 9 seconds

Armour Vienna Sausage - 8.31 pounds in 10 minutes

Asparagus – Deep Fried, Tempura Style – 8.8 pounds in 10 minutes

Baked Beans – 8.4 pounds in 2 minutes and 47 seconds

Beef Brisket Sandwiches - 34 ¾ sandwiches in 10 minutes

Beef Tongue – Pickled - 3.3 ounces in 12 minutes

Blueberry Pie- 9.17 pounds in 8 minutes

Boneless Buffalo Wings - 7.72 pounds in 12 minutes

Brats - 58 Johnsonville in 10 minutes

Butter - 7 quarter pound sticks, salted in 5 minutes.

Cabbage - 6.9 pounds in 9 minutes

Catfish - 6.75 pounds in 10 minutes

Cheesecake – 11 pounds in 9 minutes

Cherrystone Clam - 26 dozen in 6 minutes

Chicken Wings - 182 wings in 30 minutes

Skyline Chili Spaghetti – 13.9 pounds in 10 minutes

Corned Beef and Cabbage – 10.63 pounds in 10 minutes

Cow Brains – excuse me, but what the fuck? 17.7 pounds in 15 minutes

Crawfish - 6.5 pounds in 10 minutes

Hard Boiled Eggs - 65 in 6 minutes and 40 seconds

Fruitcake - 4 pounds 14 ¼ ounces in 10 minutes

Grapes - 8 pounds 15 ounces in 10 minutes

Grilled Cheese Sandwich 47 in 10 minutes

Haggis - 3 pounds in 8 minutes

Hot Dogs - 68 of Nathans Famous in 10 minutes

Jalapeno Poppers - 118 in 10 minutes

Jalapenos, Pickled - 247 in 8 minutes

Jambalaya - 9 pounds in 10 minutes

Key Lime Pie - 10.8 pounds in 8 minutes

Mayonnaise – plain, 4 32 ounce bowls in 8 minutes

Oysters - 46 dozen in 10 minutes

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich - 42 in 10 minutes

Peas - 9.5 pounds in 12 minutes

Pigs Feet - 2.89 pounds in10 minutes

Ramen Noodles - 10.5 pounds in 8 minutes

Reindeer Sausage - 28 in 10 minutes

SPAM - 6 pounds in 12 minutes

Sweet Corn - 46 ears in 12 minutes

Turducken 7 ¾ pounds in 12 minutes

Waffles - 29 Waffle House Waffles in 10 minutes

Watermelon - 13.22 pounds in 15 minutes

I don’t know about you but I could sure go for a Tums right about now.