Listless tonight. Mind racing, heart dull and I try to understand. But it's hard when you are ten thousand miles away from yourself, and you are looking through a distorted glass lens...
Clipping and cropping for artistic perfection, if there is such a thing.
Staring at miniature portraits of a girl called Me.
The things I've done, the things I've endured-- one large masochistic step of an inner sadistic self...Here I am. Here I am.
Once upon a time ago. A dark room, a tipped over lamp, a girl crying---
I thought it would be the last time, maybe it should have been, but i was wrong.
There i was, looking at your cinematic face with an out stretched hand wanting for you to take it, and lift me to a higher ground. You side stepped me, kicking over the bottle of liquid serenity, and with brittle fingers broke the syringe...you carved three symbols in your porcelain sleek chest that night. you hunkered down on the backs of you knee high combat boots and smoothed back my hair....you smelled of soap and leather.
Your hand cold as marble stone pressed into the small of my back, my head lolled to your hard shoulder, my body slowly going limp...I think I saw the shadow of death on the walls that night...torn between the living and the dead, i had to choose between oblivion and you.
You waited with an edge of silence so sharp it cut through the fog of suicidal tendency, and with a thick tongue I asked you what was wrong.
" You are a fallen angel, you are thought insane, the pretense of your thoughts are misinterpreted, and they will hang you on their cross, they will scapegoat you as they have others of your kind."
My head swam with visions of an apocalypse theater, walls swarmed with shadow flames...I felt the blood before the pain...slick and wet...the hot metallic smell pungent in the air....and I held the back of your head as you drank from my arm...in your hand was your lucky dagger...with the dragon curled around the hilt.
Even today, the scar seems fresh...even beyond death, nothing can stop you from telling me to "Hold on, everything will be okay."
and I imagine myself Marie Antoinette, and I brace myself for the final impact.