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The words of Queen Latifah, an oracle that her father taught her:
No, my daughter, no daughter of my loins,
Do not give your body to loose men,
Your ways are the ways that leadeth
to the battered women’s shelter,
It is not for queens to drink wine,
Or for Ladies to desire strong drink:
Or else they will drink and forget to keep thine panties up.
And pass liquor to the children though thine breasts,
Give strong drink to rich single men in Las Vegas,
And wine to those who have turned a bitter forty,
Let them drink and forget their sagging breasts,
And remember their wrinkles no more
Speak out for those who cannot speak,
And for the rights of all the destitute.
Speak out, make fashion decisions righteously
And give your dated garments to the poor and needy.
A capable husband who can find?
He is far more precious than diamond earrings,
He’s a man you can actually put your trust in,
A man who pulls his weight in all that you do.
He seeketh out new cabinetry,
He waxeth the floor with willing hands,
He is like the cat upon the hunt,
And brings home the right items from the grocery.
He rises while it is still at night,
And prepareth his own lunch
On pay day he bringeth home the bacon.
He considers his budget before spending
With the fruit of his hands the ‘honey do” list gets done,
He works out hard at the gym,
To keepeth his manly nature firm,
He sees that his work is profitable,
He tarryeth not at the nudie bar
He placeth his hands upon the mop handles
He taketh out the garbage unasked
Your toilet seat is always down.
He is kind to the poor, and cryeth during sad movies
He is not aware of your spreading bottom,
Your clothes and haircut are always flattering in his eyes
He lets you buy all his clothing,
And never peeped when you got rid of his favorite t-shirt.
He picketh up his underwear
His wife is popular at the coffee shops and beauty parlors
She takes her seat among the elders of the land.
He makes wooden furniture and sells them,
The dishes always sparkle
Passion and fidelity are his clothing
And he laughs at the floozie next door.
He speaketh only wisdom
And teaches kindness with every word and deed.
He never lies around in his underwear
His children never have to compete with football
And he always reads them a bedtime story
Many men have done well, but He surpasses them all.
Bulging biceps grow flabby and money does not guarantee fidelity,
But a man who fears the Lord is to be praised
Give him a large screen TV, wear exciting underwear to bed,
And let his actions praiseth him in the eyes of your friends
Written for the Everything Quests: The PC Bible
I have not liked many of the entries in the Quest, simply because I think many showed no real respect for the original texts. However, Proverbs 31's description of the perfect wife offered real PC possibilities, given that only a men could have described the perfect woman in a way that only someone who lived on amphetamines could meet the bar.