Now that people generally accept the argument that all sex between consenting adults is proper (an argument I agree with), we can posit the fact that sex between a consenting adult and his or her property is OK, too. Besides, if you take a little time, fucking an animal is a lot more moral than killing and eating it. It’s probably even less evil than killing and eating plants. See how easy moral issues are nowadays?

Animal-fuckers have a long and glorious history

Zeus seduced many a female by appearing as different animals. The Minotaur (among others) was, supposedly, the offspring from humans and bulls mating.

On a more realistic level, if it weren’t for bestiality, we never would have discoverd syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, or AIDS.

Catherine The Great, gossip has it, was accidentally killed when her horse/lover fell on her, after the custom harness broke. Supposedly she needed several helpers to fuck a horse. That was probably a real interesting job to have, especially the cleaning crew. She was in charge of Russia then, so that just gives you an idea of how classy she was.

So what do you need to know

now that you've decided to give up masturbation, but still want to protect yourself completely from the dangers of Herpes and AIDS and therefore are seriously considering bestiality?

The most important single piece of advice I can give is to use your own animals. This kid in my high school got caught in some guy's barn fucking a goat, and pretty soon his whole family moved away to avoid all the crap they got because of it. You don’t want that to happen. And don't think the goat owners would disagree with me on this.

There have been actual reports of dolphins getting friendly, even raping humans, as they frolicked in the water with them, eco-pagan style. Apparently, it has only ever been male dolphins doing that, so there’s a good hint for beach babes that want an easy, no-strings lay.

Dogs can be a real problem. For guys, you will tend to get stuck. Not a situation you want to share with your friends and family, and getting to the hospital in an inconspicuous manner is pretty much impossible, once you need to go.

Women have no problem physically fucking a dog (though the most popular for pet owners is Cunnilingus), but the dog gets a severe attitude, as in “I must be the pack leader, since I get to fuck you whenever I want.” See, the thing is, women shun men to avoid that attitude, but your favorite collie-mix doesn’t know any better, even in front of company.

Dogs have no boner-shame!

This verbose craziness brought to you at the hands of the Freelance Nodeshell Rescue Team