I wake up happy from an indistinct but pleasant dream. Within seconds I am irrevocably awake as the fear sets in. I want this situation to change. I am holding on.
Next week, if nothing has changed, I will be forced to chose one of the unpalatable options to keep myself afloat. Baring a job coming up. I have taken to refering to these to myself as straws.
Freud said that for happiness we need love and work. I agree with that - it's not a lot to ask. But don't look for reasons, balance, fairlness, that's not how it works. This helpless waiting just corrodes my self-confidence.