How has it come to this? My life, crumbling about me in such a painfully slow dance that it settles like silt in water about my feet. I can reach down and stir it up again, but if I do, will it remain swirling about me or will it simply settle again, requiring me to reach out again, in a neverending pattern of dance and decay?
She is all that I want, yet all that I want is more than I can do. My own image of myself has become warped, and each day it twists and mutates into something subtly different from the day before. When will it change back into a clear image, when will I once again live my life the way I want it to?
It has been so long.
The lines flow from my fingers, scratching the surface of how I feel, yet never actually saying what I pretend to say. A catharsis, a release without actually releasing. A play, a farce. And I know it, and yet knowing it changes nothing.
Self-image, self-confidence, self-perception, self-love, self-hate. I seek to right the wrongs, but I run myself into a brick wall, again and again. The wall must be broken down, but when my knuckles bloody themselves each time I try, and the wall simply seems to become stronger for it... I realize, I am not capable of breaking it down on my own.
I need help.
Others have broken down the same wall before I. I must overcome my shame, my withdrawal, my lethargy and loathing and introverted nature, in order to overcome this one thing. In order to live how I feel I should, how I need to in order for my dreams to come true. There is a path that I see, that I can take, and the other direction... It is unknown, dark. Frightening, because I do not see it. But the path I know is behind the wall. And my knuckles are already split and bleeding. Who will help me break it down?
Who will help me find myself?
Thank you for allowing me this time to vent. I needed it.