The Federal Ten Commandments

  1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me save they be federally appointed gods examined and insulted at lenght in Senate hearings.
  2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain or even speak it out loud within 500 feet of a public building, lest thou offend some weenie group who shall cry unto thy Supreme Court that said utterance did cause them a bowel blockage
  3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. This also shalt thou do for federal holidays, many of which shall be appointed unto thee in days to come, yea, days that thou may lawfully stretch into three-day weekends, whereupon it shall be lawful for banks to deny thee access to thine own funds.
  4. Honor thy Father and thy Mother by paying a heavy inheritance tax upon funds they did leave thee in their hour of death, said funds having already been taxed by thy federal government, which knowest not a balance sheet from its hindmost parts.
  5. Thou shalt not kill, save it be enemies appointed unto thee by Congress, or in times of police actions, or in the executions of criminals, or for any reason that may remotely occure to thy government, which may then kill thee for attempting to flee the aforementioned killing.
  6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, but on the off chance that thou doest, thou shalt prevaricate mightily into a Senate subcommittee, a grand jury, and unto thine own wife, who shall then be appointed to rule over thee.
  7. Thou shalt not steel back money stolen from thee first by thy federal government
  8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, save thou be the president of thy federal government, which shall then deliberate thy lie unto the seventh generation of the seventh generation.
  9. Thou shalt no covet thy neighbor's significant same-sex other
  10. Thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbor's without first thou pay all taxes, licenses, user fees and tariffs.

By Robert Kirby - appeared in The Salt Lake Tribune February 10, 2001 as one of his regular aritcles.