Keeping your data from the FBI

After the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, the FBI been given more or less free access to spying around, if you are suspected of being a terrorist, or having any affiliate whatsoever with terrorism. (Aaah.. Haje uses the same computer network (the Internet) as terrorists. That means we can search his computer)

Because of this, here are some guidelines to keeping your data files safe from the FBI:

  1. Invent your own language, and write all your letters and data in this language. Make sure nobody else knows this language, and make sure you don't keep notes about it. Also make sure that, if it has to be based on another language, base it on a Uralic language (instead of a Germanic, Slavic, Baltic or Hellenic language)
  2. ROT-13 encode all your messages. Make sure you do this manually - you never know what kind of logging routine Microsoft has built into Windows
  3. sdrawkcaB etirW
  4. Write your text document in Notepad, (ROT-13 rotated, backwards and in your new language) which doesn't keep those pesky temporary files
  5. PGP encrypt all your file. Do it three times, with different keys, just to be sure.
  6. Compress your file, using WinZip, or whatever other program you fancy. Remember to add a nice password to the ZIP file.
  7. Split your files into several segments (say about 50)
  8. Duplicate the files (so you get double the number of files, 100 in our case) and rename all the file numbers, just to confuse them, you know! Remember which 50 are needed, and which 50 are useless duplicates. Also, remember the correct order of the files. Also: if you omit as much as a single character in the files, your PGP encryption won't decrypt.
  9. Compress your files. Again. (use a new password)
  10. PGP encrypt your file. Again.(use a new password)
  11. Write your file to a 5¼ inch floppy disk (or even a 8" one)
  12. Destruct the computer you used to make the files.
    1. Take it apart completely
    2. Cut all the electric wires you can find
    3. Break all circuit boards
    4. Bend all connectors.
    5. open the hard drive
    6. With a hard tool (preferrably a diamond) scratch the hard drive platters as much as you can. Even better: sandblast the platters. It should look like frosted glass by the time you are finished
    7. demagnitize the harddrives completely
    8. Set it all on fire
  13. Put the floppy in a waterproof safe, and drop it over the Aegean Sea (or some other ocean nobody has heard about) preferrably from an inconspicious-looking cessna

See how easy that was?

(you could of course just use PGP, but that would be rather boring, wouldn't it?)
(...and yes I made this WU up myself. It is not a cut'n'paste job)