It started about a year and a half ago. There was this boy who rode my bus to school. He was not a good boy, nor an awesome geek boy. He did every drug imaginable, partied all night, stole things, enjoyed vandalism, wore spikes, sold marijuana, didn't go to school. He was the boy your mother warned you about. And he liked me. I was a young and innocent (or not-so-innocent, I suppose) sophomore girl who liked to ride horses.
We played games. We went to parties. We stole things. We ran Mary Jane in my innocent little car. He finished his senior year with a certificate of attendence instead of a diploma. We stole some more things. We ran some coke.
I was drawing away from my life of dandelions and ponies. I was drawing away from my family. I was drowning in this cataclysm of myself. I began to hate everything that I was, everything that he was. I wanted to leave the dark world that I had created for myself. I could see only one way out.
I wanted to die.
There are so many beautiful things in this world.Dandelions
That's the choice you have. You do have it. Every day
you're able to choose whether you're going to have a good day, or a bad one.
Whether you're going to accept criticism, or let it destroy you.
Whether you're going to bake cookies, or stop eating.
Whether you're going to give someone a hug, or end all your hugs forever.
It's this choice that determines how you feel. If you've chosen to be mad or sad or depressed, nothing anyone says can change that. Only after you've made your choice can I help you. Can anyone help you. The things we say are meaningless until you choose to believe, choose to be helped.
A year ago I chose to be happy.
I chose to feel good instead of feeling hateful.
It's the best choice I've ever made. Every day different people let me know they're happy I chose this - whether they simply smile at me during math or come to me with their darkest problems, I know they want me here.
And you know what's really cool? They want you too.
I decided to write this now because last night something triggered my memories of those fitful days with that boy. Last night, I was out with the best boy in the world and a friend, and I wanted to steal. I got depressed. I got mad at myself. But not for long. I remembered why I had chosen to live, and I thought of all the beautiful things I would miss. The best boy in the world, a cocky little pony named Scout, zig-zag parts, liquid sunshine, dandelions in springtime.
It doesn't matter what you were in the past, or what you felt before. The only thing you have control of is what you are now. Make your choice about what you want to be, and we'll be here to help you with whatever you need.